Advice on going NC

[Sleepthief]

For myriad reasons I am about to cut the last slivers of contact with my extended family (maternal aunts and cousins). I will still be very much in contact with my mum, who unfortunately is caught in the crossfire. I feel sad for her, but will no longer subjugate my own peace of mind to try and keep some kind of peace. I'm planning to ask her not to mention them to me anymore and I will refrain from asking about them - I do find it very hard not to poke at that particular bruise, but instinct tells me it's the only way to move on. I will also block and delete them and return any correspondence to sender. Is there any other advice those of you who have been there/done that can give? And have you got any brilliant phrases to repeat to convince myself I don't give a fuck? Thank you x

Do not return any correspondence from them to sender; a response is what such people want because they know they have you then. Shred and otherwise destroy it instead without any acknowledgement from you.

Does your mother wish to continue to have a relationship with these people?.

Do read and/or post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

I agree with Attila. Do not return anything. Just bin it without opening. Block numbers on your phone and any social media links.

It feels really horrible and is always upsetting when you have to go NC, but you are doing this for a reason and I take my hat off to you. I am NC with my siblings and LC with my mother. I got sick of being the family scapegoat.

The main thing I kept in mind was - I don't owe any of them anything, and were it not for the fact we are related, I wouldn't ever choose to be in the same room as them.

Thanks for your replies and for the support. My mum will continue to have a relationship with her sisters. She finds it very difficult being caught in the middle and I feel for her (although sometimes I would just like her to have my back unconditionally, but hey ho! I'm working on the principle you can only control your own actions and responses, not other peoples'). Regarding not sending things back - one aunt persists in sending my children frankly awful Christmas presents. I would like her to stop. Can I send those back?

God, it's depressing that we have to go to these lengths, isn't it?

"Regarding not sending things back - one aunt persists in sending my children frankly awful Christmas presents. I would like her to stop. Can I send those back?"

No. Do not send them back. Again a response from you is the reward to such people and they will keep on doing it even more. Just dispose of the unwanted tat by other means and do not at all acknowledge these items. No contact after all is just that; there is no communication of any kind.

Agree with Atilla here. It's important that you get rid of any presents quietly because as said, even returning is an emotional response. However, it's also important because of 'The Mix'. H G Tudor describes this as the creation of emotional attachment and therfore emotional thinking and reaction to that person.

BTW...word of caution about your DM. She may well be as you say, a good person but she isn't to be trusted. Not because she wants to consciously betray you, it's highly likely she is easily manipulated.