How to think with your head and not your heart

[unknownn]

After months of backing down and fearing away from it, i have finally left my emotionally abusive cheating partner!! He is a pro at manipulation, and hurt me in ways no other human ever has. I have blocked him on every form of social media because i know he will try to contact me to come into my life and control me again. Does anybody have any advice on how to stop thinking about him, to stop thinking about how much i (unfortunately) love him, to make sure i never let my weak heart take over and foolishly take him back??
Thank you :)

Keeping busy with friends, work, hobbies, projects like diy etc was the answer for me. I've never had a cleaner house than then 😂Being busy meant that my mind didn't wander to him, what he was doing etc which was a negative spiral of misery for me.

You just remember the "pro at manipulation" stuff and ignore all the plaintive cries of "but I love him!" In your head.

It's about listening to what you know it is and not what you want it to be.

Love your own self for a change.

I would enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid; this is for people who have been in abusive relationships.

Look at counselling for your own self to determine exactly why you hooked up with such a person in the first place. Boundaries in relationships can and do get further eroded by such people and you need time and space to heal.

I’m going through this at the moment. I miss him so much and I don’t think I’ll find anyone I love the way I love him but I respect myself too much to ever go back. He doesn’t deserve me at all, so I’ve been working and playing hard, I’ve upped my exercise, booked a holiday (and I sometimes let myself wallow and cry, but never ever contact him).

What helped me is learning as much as I could about narcissism and emotional abuse. Once you learn what motivates their behaviour, you see them in a different light and can see how creepy and calculated they are. I'm disgusted by all of my exes and the most recent one I only broke up with I March so it is possible.

Also, I second Atilla. It's such a cliche to say learn to love yourself but it really is true. Find out why you are attracted to abusive men (it probably has alot to do with the original narcissist in your life-for me it was my father). Once you understand why you feel and behave the way you do, it can help you realise how unhealthy your past behaviours are e.g. lack of boundaries/self esteem etc.

I found YouTube videos on the topic the most help. Lisa Romanio is good and so is Queenbeeing.

When I broke up with ex I sat down and emailed myself exactly why we broke up. J wrote about his negative bits so when I get nostalgic I would have a list of reality checks. I wrote honestly about the worst times and I wrote some short sentences that I could tell myself in moments of weakness. "I miss him" would be countered with "I don't miss walking on eggshells" , "I wonder who he's with" would be countered with "Not my business - can't wait to see Katie on Friday" etc
A couple of years later I was organising my emails and came across those emails to myself and realised that I hadn't needed them in a very long time. I have kids with him so I care what he does when he's with them but other than that I can honestly say that I don't give a fuck. It's totally in my past and I'm a totally different version of myself now.

Love your own self for a change. Enjoy focusing on you and just you. It will make you stronger, more confident and more ready for the rest of your life.

Read about trauma bonds, and then keep on reminding yourself that this is addiction and not love. Of course you keep thinking about him - you are addicted. Of course you crave him - you are addicted.

Every time you think 'love', replace the word with 'addicted to'.

It's what I did, and it really kept me strong.

I also did meditation, and that showed me how just because I might think of something, it doesn't mean it's important. He has trained you into thinking about him (the trauma bond/addiction). You can get comfortable with thinking aout him and recognising that thunking about him means no more than thinking about what you want for lunch, or thinking about how a cow digests with 2 stomachs or whatever.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php

Go along to a group. Don't just read about it.

It helped me to go to CoDA.

Read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That. Order it tonight.

You've been brainwashed by an abuser, you need to retrain your mind by filling it with information about the truth. Xx