Stonewalling

[ClementineSalad]

Why do people do this? It’s so horrible to be at the end of. How do you deal with the lack of closure and all the other emotions you feel when this happens? It’s like torture.

I had an argument with my closest friend two weeks ago which I think was his fault as much as mine. It’s been horrible because we work in the same organisation so I’ll see him around and I really want to get things at least to a place where seeing him in the lifts isn’t awkward.

I have reached out twice since and got no reply whatsoever. They were nice messages. The one yesterday said that I was sorry and sent a calendar lunch invite. He declined it.
I then followed up with another that said ‘does your silence mean we’re not friends anymore’ and still nothing.

I’m devastated. Of course I won’t contact him again but I just feel horrible about it and don’t understand how someone can do this to another person?

This sounds to me as though it's something you should have tried to address face to face. If you think it was his fault, why have you apologised?

The fact you think he was in the wrong and his behaviour towards you now make me think you are better off without him in your life. He doesn't sound like a pleasant or reasonable person. Obviously I've no idea what the argument was about, but even so.

Some people do it to play games, expecting you to grovel.
Sometimes people are genuinely hurt and are just not ready to talk things through.

I did want to talk face to face which is why I invited him to lunch. The argument was online too and I tried to defuse it right away by suggesting a catch up but he said no then too

He's being childish. Let him have his strop and he'll either get over it or he won't. You've tried 🤷‍♀️

People are different. Some people like to let dust settle a bit before discussing something to ensure it doesn't all kick off again.

If I feel really hurt by a good friend I will tend to distance myself for a few days just to get my thoughts together and work out how best to discuss it. Review my part in whatever may have happened. There is a danger in going over something too swiftly that it all kicks off again and then it can be much harder to sort out.

That’s wise shatner. I guess it had been two weeks though? If he’d said he needed more time that would have been ok. It was the silence that makes me feel crazy like I can’t get closure

This kinda reminds me of how things ended with my ex... 7/8 months down the line and he still doesn't want to talk about it. Worried about opening up the 'can of worms' apparently... he said this to a friend, not me by the way!
Which is what I find most frustrating! Why they can't actually say this to our faces/over a message, I don't know.
I do understand how hurtful it is.
I've unfortunately had to compartmentalise it all now, and put it to the back of my mind. I will never know what he was thinking/feeling, or why he did what he did.
Unfortunately some people seem to find saying nothing is the easier option.
You've tried now, all I can is try and distance yourself.
Maybe when he's ready he will come to you, but don't hold onto too much hope (I say this from experience sadly!)

People who need time for things to settle and to think things over are perfectly capable of expressing that in an email, text or face to face.

People who stonewall are emotional manipulators who use silence to get people to chase them so they can feel good about themselves and come out as being 'in the right', when their behaviour has usually been unacceptable.

Bin that twat and find some nice friends who would never do that to a person. Understand that he is not a nice person, despite what you may have previously thought. A truly nice person treats even those they argue with decently. That is closure.

It’s very frustrating. Maybe he needs more time but it wouldhave been courteous to articulate that.

Thanks.

I guess the hard part is not knowing whether they want to be chased more or if I am dead to them.

It’s hard.

If they’d just failed to respond, you could ask outright why they’re blanking you. But when they are vaguely responsive rather than completely ignoring (ie declining an invitation) it is more difficult to address the issue of what’s up without sounding whiny.

In my case, I received polite one-sentence replies to my messages, with none of his customary chattiness, flirtiness or counter-questions. All messages initiated by me, whereas before it was 50:50 or thereabouts. Head, meet brick wall! When I stopped messaging to see whether he’d bother contacting me, that was the last I ever heard, and it hurt because there was no closure.

I’m not got any responses whatsoever to the two olive-branch messages I’ve sent

That’s hard conf

I think t depends on what the argument was about. Eg is he offended or embarrassed by what happened or is he being childish?

It was just one of those weird conversations that just escalated from nowhere although I did catch him in a lie and called him out on it

If the friend had posted on MN to say a friend had reeeeeeeally upset them blah blah they may have been advised to "go NC"from their "toxic friend" which means blocking, ghosting you. Sorry OP that's just the other side.

I guess you’re right chiara.

Well unless you posted a photo of your friend in her newly-bought wedding dress on Facebook, and tagged in her husband-to-be, then far from being advised to ghost you, your friend would be advised to discuss the situation, I'm sure.

and why wonder if this person wants you to 'chase them' or 'leave them be'? Why aren't they wondering what you want?

Honestly, this stonewalling is a huge red flag any way you look at it. Bin, bin, and bin some more x

Oh, and they are a liar on top?! Wow, the trash has taken itself out!!