Unhappy in marriage, I don't think OH even realises, how to approach

[River1978]

I've been in a relationship with OH for around 19 years, married for 11.

Our situation is 2 twins 9 years old and living in a mortgaged property. For a long time I have felt unhappy in the relationship. I just feel like a slave in the house as OH and 2DC just demand all the time with never any appreciation. My recent birthday was rubbish even though OH is 10 days before (so hardly a surprise mine is coming up) I made a real effort ensuring cards and pressies from me and DC were sorted well in advance, a meal at their favourite place booked, birthday cake etc. I got nothing til 11:30am and that's because OH after ythe finally got up had to go to the shop to buy cards, and because DC were at grandparents for the weekend my OH wrote the cards from the DC themself. (I don't blame the children for this, but the lack of preplanning was heart breaking), I was them told my present had been ordered a week ago but hadn't turned up yet, but when it did turn up, I was just handed the parcel when I got home from work and then I found an email that showed it had been ordered the day after my birthday...

I attempt to act like the relationship is normal (I do care for OH, but not as a spouse anymore). Thier cobversations to me range from silent treatment to sarcastic to just pure ratty, which then upsets me and I stop talking, while trying to figure out what I have done, and to be hinest I feel worthless and a failure.

if I ask OH to help with anything round the house while they are watching TV I get the reply "I want to chill after work" I work full time too or "fine but can you do xyz then" which clearly they had no intention of doing and the only reason I'm asking in the first place is because I'm attempting to juggle multiple things at once.

Sex is done because OH sulks if I decline and I get the silent treatment for days, they once even moved bed for the week because OH said I'm so good at sex so its a tease to sleep next to me, in reality I haven't climaxed in years sad.
Its come to the point now where I will regulary avoid going to bed at the same time, giving the excuse I need to do a few chores first and then "accidently" nod off on the sofa before coming to bed well past midnight.

Any attempts to address the issues in the marriage have been met with either
denial,
refusal to do anything to help resolve (we had counselling several years ago but OH got naffed off because apparently the counsellor apparently "blamed" them.)
or it gets a small improvement but then slides after a few weeks.

I'm totally fed up and can't live like this much longer but I feel trapped because I have nowhere to go as no family live nearby and I don't have many friends because everything is so family orientated. Also me and OH have financial commitments for the next 4 years or so that we'd be unable to afford if we were in separate households.

I fear if I approach OH saying I intend to end the marriage I have no idea how they will react, OH constantly says they "fancy me" which makes me feel uncomfortable, because I don't feel the same, and any hug or kiss escalates into a request for sex which 7/10 times I go along with. The reaction could range from shouting, crying, immediately being kicked out.
I've no idea what to do

I think he sounds awful OP. You deserve more.

Could you get a job? It would be the first move towards more money? Apologies if you already work...but if you don't, the financial independence would help you to begin to make a move away from him.

When you say you have financial commitments for the next 4 years, do you mean your mortgage? You could separate and sell even if the mortgage isn't paid off yet.

What do you mean when you say about The reaction could range from shouting, crying, immediately being kicked out

Who kicked out of where?

I already work full time too in a fairly good job,. We have laons and car finance to pay off although the mortgage is due for renwal in 4 years too.

I really don't know how OH will react in between devastation, agreemnt, anger or things so bad I am asked to leave our house or deterioating so quickly i simply have to leave

I kept telling myself I will definitley leave when our finances are sorted (paid off), but as time goes on it affects my wellbeing more and more

I think you sound so unhappy and your husband sounds very immature and selfish.

Just re read your op. I actually think your husband is controlling and abusive. Keep posting. You will get support.

I agree with Geppili and the best thing is to get things moving now.

Speak to a solicitor asap....they will at least be able to go through your financial situation and advise on how best to proceed with that....you CAN leave. He sounds horrible and your life will be better even if you have less money or a smaller place to live.

Thanks for you're replies, I do not feel he's abusive, and absolutely not in the physical sense, just totally clueless on how his actions affect me.

From the outside it probably looks like we have a wonderful marriage, family days out and social events which I do enjoy, I'm just no longer into him. I don't know if it's my feeling for him that have changed and this would have happened regardless or whether it's my response to his behaviour

River,

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He is not just merely clueless about you, he does not give a fig about you and your kids. All he cares about is his own self and getting his needs met. You are not an equal here, never have been and never will be.

I am looking at this from an outside perspective and what you describe sounds absolutely abusive and not wonderful at all, not just for you but for your children as well who are witness to all this. Your marriage is over really because of the abuse he metes out towards you all. No wonder therefore you've gone off him; anyone would act the same here. Do not stay for the sake of the children; they need to learn far better lessons on relationships than the lot they are currently learning from you people.

What is your definition of abuse?. Abuse is not only physical in nature; it can be verbal and emotional to name but two others and there are clear examples of both from him in your initial post. His sulking for instance is an example of emotional abuse. I am not surprised at all that previous counselling failed and that is because your H refused and still refuses to take any responsibility for his actions (like practically all abusive men).

His actions towards you are about power and control; those lie at the heart of abuse. Fear of their abuser (this is also apparent here) and fear of the unknown to name but two reasons keeps people within such dead relationships but you can and should break free of your abuser here. No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable.

Please seek legal advice asap and consider also contacting Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations. Both can and will help you here. Do not stay either till the finances are sorted out. Your H is not going to change, this is who he is and he will continue to be as unreasonable post separation as well.

I think he does sound a little emotionally abusive and emotionally neglective until he wants sex.

You seem very unhappy and like you said something has to change. He's not going to change, you already know that.

You either have to leave or you suck it up for the next four years or you try counselling again. If he's not willing to try counselling then refuse him sex. I know that sounds terrible but how can you have sex with a person that doesn't seem to care about how you're feeling / try to want to fix it. Refuse doing all over kinds of shit for him too, if he's not willing to try to save the relationship then why should you bother too.

If he's going to shout and kick you out then so be it , he doesn't seem to be worrying about your financial commitments or doesn't think about them and is using kicking you out as a weapon.

Exactly what Atila said .
Plan to get out ASAP .. it won’t get better .. don’t waste any more of your life ...
Take care and good luck

Just sat reading your replies on the train.

Looking at my original post I feel I probably represented in a very negative light, due to feeling low about the situation.
He's fantastic with the children and adores them

Just to clarify he's never threatened to kick me out, it's just me fearing the worst. I just think once I announce the intention to separate it will become very awkward living under the same roof while things are worked out.

What am I getting out of this relationship?
A companion who I share similar interests with, the routine also helps.
I do have mental wellbeing issues which I take medication for, and last time I lived alone it was a matter of weeks before my sleeping was all over the place, I didn't really eat healthy. He makes sure I eat a proper dinner by doing the cooking.

I just don't know if there's a way of working out how he would take this or when best to approach it?

Is he really fantastic with the children?. No that is you putting a gloss on things. He may well "adore" the children River but he is not a good father towards them primarily because of the ways in which you as their mother are treated i.e. abusively. They see and will pick up on all this.

A dog would be a better companion to you frankly than your husband. I would also think he is not helping your MH issues at all and has over time actually been the root cause. So he does the cooking; that also shows me just how low your relationship bar is and has become. This is the barest of bare minimums here.

Please contact Womens Aid and seek legal advice; after all knowledge is power!.

The man's previously entered counselling and felt "blamed" by the counsellor. In your words, "Any attempts to address the issues in the marriage have been met with either denial, refusal to do anything to help resolve (we had counselling several years ago but OH got naffed off because apparently the counsellor apparently "blamed" them) or it gets a small improvement but then slides after a few weeks"

The above is precisely how abusers operate. Your H continues to refuse to take any responsibility here for his actions and is adept at blaming you his wife for his inherent failings. It is not your fault he is like this nor it is your fault that he has decided to conduct his own private based war against you.

What you are getting out of this is nothing to do with he being a supposed companion or a routine. Citing either also shows me just how low your relationship bar is; there was nothing there about feeling loved, safe, being happy and or respected.

If you were to tell your DH that you were unhappy, would he genuinely try to do things differently to meet your needs? If not, (and i suspect that would be your answer), then you know the score. Why would you stay with someone who doesn't care enough about you to try?

How long ago did you live alone? If it was before you met your dh, then it was more than 19 years. You will have changed in that time and now you recognise that routine helps you with your self care. So make sure you have some strategies in place to look after yourself. I suspect, you will find it easier to care for yourself once you no longer have him in your life putting you down and treating you shabbily.

Agree with others - you are making excuses for him and trying to be nice, saying that he "doesn't know there's a problem". He holds down a job - he can't be that stupid that you have told him multiple times what the problem is, and a counsellor has told him what the problem is, but he still doesn't know there's a problem.

He doesn't want to admit there's a problem. That is not the same thing as him being innocently unaware.

Are you making excuses because you don't want to break up with him, or because you are trying your very, very hardest to be a nice, understanding person? If it's the latter, who is it making you feel like you should be more understanding?

I would start to make plans, but also suggest counselling at some point, perhaps changes will make things better. Do you have a spare room? Even if you separate you can stay living in the same house, we are because two households doubles the costs!

River, I just reread your Op again! Even if you don't accept that he is abusive/manipulative, I think the way he treated you on your birthday is, at best, pathetic and at worst, cruel. Your lovely children are learning how to treat a woman by observing their father mistreat/neglect their mother! You put lots of effort and thought into HIS birthday. He pretty much did nothing for you. In fact, he lied to you about the present. I love preparing for my OH's birthday with my kids, making cards, wrapping, making him feel cherished. He does the same for me, because we care deeply about one another. You need and deserve to feel cherished! Did he ever do this for you?

I bet your MH will improve immensely without him draining you. I've been in a similar situation, without the abuse and it continually sucks the life out of you. We split 6 months ago and I haven't regretted it for a second.

Unfortunately no spare room.
I'm wondering whether to give it a shot tonight?

I bit the bullet tonight, kind of. After he complained at me for not making a brew (I did offer!!) I asked him if anything else was wrong (because its not a reaction any normal person would have, though pretty routine for him) he said "stuff" was wrong
He went on to say he's sad he doesn't get enough sex and he understands I don't have the same sex drive and he needs to learn to accept that and he scared of losing me.
In for a penny in for a pound... I told him I didn't have the same feelings for him anymore. I didn't elaborate why. He burst into tears and said he feared the day would come because I'm too good for him and even at the beginning he was worried it would end at anytime.
He'd thought about bringing it up himself the last few months asking if the relationship was working out for me, because he was snappy and I was sad, but he was scared of the answer, and also he didn't want to upset the apple cart in regards to my MH bringing it up, as he felt it was never the right time eg. Changing jobs, poorly family members, I'm busy undertaking lots of work training to secure a promotion, kids due to do assessments at school etc.

I've given him a massive hug and told him I still care for him. We've decided to share the same bed still (our spare room is an office now as I sometimes work from home), but we can look at sofa beds over the weekend for the lounge.
We've decided to leave the rest of the discussion until tomorrow evening

To say I'm stunned (in a good way) is an understatement.

Well that sounds like a good first step. At least you're talking. Fingers crossed that you work through things and find a way to make things work.

That sounds amazing - proper communication :)
So he's been arsey out of fear? Well, that does make some sense. Hope you can both keep on being kind to one another, whatever the outcome - and keep on being honest, it seems to have encouraged him to do the same.