Dp doesn't understand me & gives mixed messages

[MoominMantra]

This is all complicated by the fact I'm currently pregnant. He is (now) seemingly happy about the baby. As am I. But he is all over the place with me generally.

For example, he says he doesn't think we are compatible even though he loves me. I am quite calm and placid, and he's overly emotional. I'm autistic and he struggles to accept im different. He thinks it's a problem that we have different tastes in things like films and books. The other day he was driving somewhere & I was following him in my car and he kept waving at me from the car & he was upset that I wasn't waving back. He said normal couples do this. I just didn't see the point. If we go out together or spend the weekend together we seem to really enjoy each other's company though.

The thing is that he's always the one who is contacting me, asking to see me, trying to stop me from going home. I had my scan last week & he wanted to come (fair enough) but afterwards I wanted to go home and he pressed me to come to his house & said I need to take opportunities to spend time with him.

I've been thinking that if he's unsure about our compatibility we should only meet for practical reasons for now.

I can't really make sense of his behaviour.

I'm also Autistic (very high functioning) and have similar issues. My DH wants closeness all the time and to tell me in-depth about his feelings and I just don't see the point. They're his feelings.

After many years together we've managed to come to an understanding where when he tells me about his feelings etc, I have learned to make the right noises....I respond now in an appropriate way...but I'm aware that I'm doing it only to placate him and keep him happy.

I do it because it costs me nothing really but I have a limit and will tell him "I've had enough talking now" and he accepts this and doesn't take it personally.

Like you, we have fun together and a good sex life so we're happy in the main.

I think that regarding your partner wanting to spend more time with you, it's about balance. You have to give a little bit and he has to accept that you're not always willing to.

Are you planning to move in together?

Thanks for your response @HennyPennyHorror

I think the main problem I have is that he will say to me he can't see us having a long term future but if that's the case, why is he continually pressing for us to spend time together?

We are not planning on moving in together because I don't think I could live with him, never mind him with me.

I do identify with you about the feelings thing as well.

@MoominMantra, it sounds like your DP wants to be with you and would like to have a long term relationship but he is struggling with how things are at the moment.
In a relationship it's ok to be different from your partner as long as both partners are willing to meet each other half way, and both understand and respect the differences.
Does your DP feel like you care and want to be with him? Does he understand your needs and your boundaries?
The ultimate goal is to make each other happy, so you do need to listen and understand his feelings, he needs to understand that there is no "normal", and you need to find your own balance as a couple.
I have no experience with autism, hopefully better advice will come along. I hope the pregnancy goes well and you and your DP can have sort things out.

I think he's saying he can't envision a future together because he'd prefer to live a more "normal" life with you. Most people....people who aren't on the spectrum are fine with living together and sharing everything....feelings, time and all that.

But he has doubts due to the effects of your Autism.

He does want to be with you but it sounds like he's feeling unfulfilled due to the arrangements and your free spirit.

We have had discussions around my autism. The thing is that he was married to someone for 18 years before he met me who wasn't autistic and he said they literally did everything together. So I guess adapting to how different I am is a challenge for him.

I told him that he needs to be direct with me about what he wants / needs me to do for him because I won't just automatically know. That's one of the big things about being on the spectrum.

For me, he seems to get so worked up about little things. Which obviously to him aren't little. But equally, he can be very kind and supportive of me.

I do think he needs to decide whether he wants us to be together or not though instead of telling me he thinks we can't work but then being all over me when we meet. I've told him that whatever happens between us, I'll always make sure he can have the relationship he wants with our child.

May I ask what happened to his former wife? Did they split or is he a widower?

They split up.

The whole waving thing would annoy me and sounds like something a 5
year old would do.

He's coming across as spoilt and Immature to me. You might need to give more details about all the stuff that goes on.

I would be confused by his behaviour too. Even the fact that you say he is happy about the baby now, makes me feel in a few weeks he could change his mind.

If he keeps messing with your head like this then you take charge and say it's not working and have what you said - a practical relationship.

His behaviour seems odd in all this not yours.

I've just said to him that we shouldn't be sleeping together until he knows how he feels and apparently that's wrong

Ask him why he thinks it's wrong. You are under no obligation to sleep with him, it's your choice and he has choices too.

Don't let this man coherce you into thinking your behaviour is wrong/strange.

He is the strange one here. A creepy kind of strange, that's not right and that you know is not right.

He said 'it sounds like you're breaking up with me' as though I'm the one who is unhappy with the relationship.