Explaining how Cheaters think

[ScreamingLadySutch]

The Plan B Offer
June 18, 2019 by Chump Lady

notplanB
If things don’t work out with her, perhaps you and I could work things out.

This was submitted to my “Universal Bullshit Translator” inbox. It’s so cake-y and so common. Yeah, right, I want to be Plan B! Thanks for being so bold and out there with it, Cheaterpants.

How many in CN have gotten this “offer”? Or its twin: “I have to keep an OW/OM because, hey, it might not work out with us!” Followed by the inevitable blameshifting: “Because I don’t know if you can forgive me.”

It’s a keen look into the rancid oatmeal that is Cheater Brain.

People are commodities. You hold on to them, trade, or sell them off like stock. Hmmm, this one is performing well today, but according to my kibble index, the stock may drop, so let’s pick up a couple shares of Stacey.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/new-conversation-talk/op/edit-message?message_id=87937062

[Edited by MNHQ to remove wall of text and replace with article link]

Have you been drinking OP?

I love how angry you are :-)

And basically, yes. Someone recently wrote on here that so many people/therapists don't understand enough about narcissistc traits. Once you've been through it (often as a child and then later as a lover) it's so transparent. And then when the anger subsides I have found that pity does find its way in. They really are very sad people because it must be exhausting maintaining a consistently high level of fuel (even when mobile phones are fantastic fuel/kibble providers).

I think the term narcissistic is over-used.

They're just selfish people. There's nothing in the above that requires narcissism - just selfishness.

I say that as a selfish person

Love ChumpLady 😃

I agree, we can all have narcissistic traits at times, but being a narcissist is something very different. The word is overused.

I know of one narcissist. It goes well beyond being a selfish, lying, entitled ahole , those are sadly quite common

It’s a keen look into the rancid oatmeal that is Cheater Brain.

Oh lord...

I don't think this level of emotional investment is healthy for you.

Is this a c&p of some magazine shite? Found it unreadable.

Is this a c&p of some magazine - sorry, thought that was obvious. There is the date, there is the title and there is the moniker.

I posted it because of her take on people being seen as objects. And objects are replaceable.

So a person who cheats, can quite easily replace a person with another person. Often that is the hardest thing to accept, which is why I posted the article.

Are you on the sniff?

is it me or is the op incomprehensible?

Whilst I get that it's useful for the person who has been cheated on to boil it down low like this. I think it's a bit reductive. People are a mess. Sometimes it's like this. People cheat because they are just serving themselves.

Whilst others cheat because their relationship is so fucked up they justify it that cheating is point scoring against an arsehole (my SIL who is an adorable person did this because my BIL was and is a twat).

Sometimes someone is so caught up in trauma and the alcohol and drug abuse to numb it, they wake up in a bed in Leeds with someone who wasn't their boyfriend and still don't know 20 years down the line if anything happened. I truly hope it didn't but suspect it did. I'm not with him anymore but it still haunts me. It's not all good versus evil. It would be easier if it was.

You'd need to have read so e chump lady, with her "kibble" analogy for narcissistic supply to know the background here.

Kibble is pet treats I think, it refers to the narcissist going after a treat, attention and tummy scratch - whatever is gratifying to them.

Sorry, looked it up and it's not really treats, just pet food.

But it refers to someone 'feeding', looking after etc. the narcissist.

Her blog is great.

Hi OP

We didn't think it fair to copy the entire article without linking - we've replaced some of the text with the link now, so that people can read the post.

Thank you @LilyMumsnet, I will be more careful in future.

Kibble is pet food, which Chump Lady uses to describe narcissistic supply. I am personally grateful because even though my therapist told my distraught self I was married to a narcissist, I just did not get it. How COULD someone blow up a marriage and a family? But Chump Lady nailed it:

"I prefer to think in terms of Narcissist Ego Chow. Cheaters need to feed. They need lots and lots of validation that they’re special, sexy, and understood by only a special chosen few. Problem is, ego kibbles are not very sating, and so they always need more. Part of that problem is the cheater – they’ve got a hole in their soul where empathy and connection should be. So, a person can shovel ego kibbles at the cheater, but they don’t fill up.

The other part is the unfulfilling quality of ego kibbles themselves. Narcissistic supply is like bad chicken feed. It’s full of arsenic, dead chicken bits, and barnyard poop. It’s cheap, commercial grade filler. It’s crap.

What’s in a bag of Narcissist Ego Chow? Flattery. Attention. Easy sex. Admiration without accomplishment. Shallow attachment. Infatuation. Fantasy. Centrality.

Cheaters prefer kibbles to love. Love requires reciprocity and connection. Love is messy and demanding. Kibbles are easier."

Nothing explained it to me (and broke my heart) better than that explanation. Because it is so true.