Am I horrible and needy?

[Justathinslice]

I'm starting to doubt myself...
I finished a relationship a few months ago. It was on/off. He lied quite a few times about time spent with other women.

For example he would go and do something with a female friend, but would lie, or be secretive about who he was going with. He loves attention from women, and would very often keep me very seperate. He admitted that he loves attention from women. He would befriend his ex students ( who were adults when he taught them)- but they were always female, always younger, always attractive.

If I got upset or angry, he would often push me away and withhold affection- sometimes for months at a time.

It made me a mess. I was suspicious all the time. I DO have trust issues, I'm sure not perfect. I do sometimes over react, but I have always been self reflective. I don't want anyone else to suffer because of my crap. I think I gave him much more leeway because I doubted myself.

I kept pushing for more time spent together.
I asked if he would remove from his phone the contact details for the woman he had lied to me about ( for a long time!!)

He liked to play the White Knight, and bought loads of craft items from an ex student ( young, pretty. He met her partner, but didn't ever want me to meet her. He came back from seeing her once, and was visibly sad when telling me that she was planning a future with her partner - and more). He doesn't like those sorts of things, and doesn't like spending money.
I asked if he could clear it away as it was bugging me.

He had lied relationships he had while we were apart. I really really understand that he was free to do so, but by lying to me, I felt manipulated ( ie- he said he didn't have any significant relationship, was only thinking of me. I wouldn't have gotten together with him again if I knew he had been in a love relationship).
Whenever we had problems, I would stress that I was having trouble trusting him, but I would have better luck moving past it if he just told the truth.

Was I wrong to push for these things?

I should have finished it as soon as he lied the first time. Or even the second or third.

This has come up because I met a friend yesterday. He was saying that another friend of his, who is a friend of my ex was saying that I'm evil.

Was I?

No. You're not. You made the best decision and you're well out of it.

He demonstrated to you that he has no intention of staying faithful. no intention of being honest and isn't interested in your happiness or wellbeing.

Don't let his spiteful comments to someone else make you second guess this. Instead, pity the poor woman he gaslights into a long-term relationship.

I should have finished it as soon as he lied the first time. Or even the second or third
So for the love of god, please finish it now!!!
Please raise your bar and expect more for yourself.

Its definitely finished!

I'm just having a weak moment!

People with narcissistic traits (and he sounds that way from what you've said) often verbally attack their exes after the relationship has ended.

How did he talk about his exes to you? If he was reasonable about them and could see how he'd contributed to the break up of the relationship then perhaps I'd think about it. But if he criticised his exes too, then this says nothing about you and much more about him.

I'm going to say yes, you became nerdy but his behaviour probably fuelled that.

You should have realised he wasn't treating you right / trusted your instincts sooner. Even if there was technically nothing wrong with his behaviour you didn't like it, so it wasn't working for you. When something isn't working for you, it's just not working for you. Find somebody that does.

Sometimes it's always hard to see the wood from the trees or whatever the saying is.

How he talked about exes....
It would be a crap sandwich really....
" so and so couldn't have conversations the way we do- she wasn't very bright, but I genuinely wish her all the best and hope she's deliriously happy"

hmmmm not much bread there. Basically saying how great you are (lovebombing type stuff), massive insult ("she wasn't very bright") and then a clever, I wish her well. But nothing about what he did so that the relationship ending even though it's clear that his behaviour is not great.

I may be finding what I'm looking for but it sounds as though he wasn't very nice, withdrew and became unavailable, drawing someone else in (triangulating) and you became anxious. You might have become a bit too anxious (I hear ya!) but it was a dynamic and he I suspect knew exactly what he was doing.

If you can stay strong not to go back, that will be brilliant. Someone on here once wrote that a relationship with a person with narcissistic traits ends when you want it to, I think that's spot on. If you can see the (very familiar) moves and see the (very familiar) dynamic play out you may be able strong enough to resist in future if he did ever come back. Because if he did come back, it will end exactly the same way.

Sorry. It really sucks. We all make mistakes in relationships, and it's a sign of strength to think what you did that might have impacted poorly on the dynamic.

The best thing to do is to try really hard to go no contact and build up a fantastic single life before you start dating again. When you're life is so busy you can't see how you'd fit someone in, then you're likely to meet someone secure (have you read Attached by Amir Levine, it's the usual go-to on this).

Good luck OP, well done for thinking about your part of dynamic. We can all learn to be better but to be frank, he sounds awful!

On the subject of NC, what did your friend hope to achieve by telling you that?! You would be better off not hearing anything about him now - certainly not what he wants to say about you! (Notice I didn't say what he thinks of you, which may well not be the same in any case.)

Thanks all
I think my friend was genuinely just making conversation, and thought I would laugh it off. Which I did, but then it stuck.

It was a mess. He treated me badly, but was so logical and charming that I was always confused, and felt it was my fault.
But.... my gut always, always knew. I doubted myself, and ignored it.

Is he an intelligent, charismatic lecturer who uses female students/ ex students to bolster his ego, while having you at home to do the same?
Complete arse. You're well rid.

Is he an intelligent, charismatic lecturer who uses female students/ ex students to bolster his ego, while having you at home to do the same?
Yes, all of those things