When do you decide that a friendship is over?

[CruCru]

I have / had a friend from university who I was very close to. I’ve lived with her (at university and in a houseshare while we were in our early twenties) and she joined a big friendship group with me and my then boyfriend - now husband. We all went on holiday together / had nights out.

She’s moved to another country but we still used to see each other whenever she was back (and I have visited her there). We both travelled to each other’s weddings etc.

She’s always been a bit “flaky” but is / was a lot of fun. And warm and kind when I did see her.

I found out that she had a baby and a family bereavement a couple of years ago (I saw something on FB so messaged another friend of hers to find out what it meant). She then got in touch and suggested that we message each other on WhatsApp from then on because she doesn’t always check the other social media / communication sites.

However, since then I’ve been writing her messages which seem to just go unread. I can see that she’s been on WhatsApp (it tells you when you check on the thread when the person was last on).

I do know that she’s had some life changes and that she’s unlikely to be able to respond right away. However my messages are sitting there unread for months - and when she does respond, she doesn’t refer to them so I don’t think she ever reads them (I’d mentioned that I was having a party for a big birthday and that I knew she and her husband probably wouldn’t be able to make it but I’d like to invite her all the same).

She messaged me in January to say that she would be back in May and would we like to meet up (and we had an exchange of messages). However I’ve sent her a couple of messages since - one to say when I’d be around and that I was looking forward to seeing her and haven’t heard any more (and my messages have gone unread). She has been back (because FB) and has gone back to the country she lives in (FB again).

I do want to be a good friend (particularly if she is having a hard time) but it’s hard work writing messages into a vacuum. I also don’t much want to involve her other friends (they live in / near her hometown so do see her when she comes back) - I had considered asking her friend if she was okay because I hadn’t heard from her but it isn’t really this friend’s problem if my friend isn’t interested any more.

If she’d always been super responsive, I’d be a bit concerned. But this is a really amplified version of how she’s been in the past. Should I decide that she’s dropped me?

Sorry for the mad, long essay.

I'd keep in touch in a bright and breezy sort of way. You don't know what's really going on so...benefit of the doubt would be my way of dealing with it.

Personally I’d just leave it. When relationships are causing you to second guess people and feel a bit neglected they’re prob not worth your time. If she gets in touch it’s a bonus, but don’t let it get you down if not.
You sound like a nice friend.

If she didn’t bother to get in touch when she came over then it’s dead in the water isn’t it? Especially if you’d discussed getting together and then nothing. If I was you, I wouldn’t block but just drop. Just hide her Facebook and stop bothering. It sounds like she’s got numerous friends and you are way down on her list. I dropped a friend in similar circumstances. She lived 4/5 hours away after Uni and she rarely visited (I’d been to visit her). She then came to my hometown for a hen party that I helped her with info/tips on where to go! I’d said let’s grab a quick drink while you’re here please. She came, visited, didn’t bother getting in touch. At one point she would have been in a pub 10 mins walk from my house. If people can’t be bothered to get in touch when they are right on your doorstep then they really aren’t mates.

Well, she’s making no effort at all is she and a text takes ten seconds. I’d move on and consign her to history.

I have a friend just like this. Same circumstances - if it wasn't for the baby, I'd say it was the same friend ! She's really full on with the whatsapp messages - having full on conversations, then I ask her a question (how are you/hows DC/hows work) ....and nothing. No reply. Nothing. Then I send another message, which she reads....and nothing. Months go by and she gets in touch again...rinse and repeat. I'm drained by it. I don't start anymore conversations anymore, and tend to wait a couple of days before I respond to anything shes written. I don't understand it

It does sound like she likes you but is just far too busy.

I wouldn't bother any more.
See if she comes to you.
If not then you know she's not interested.
It's a shame but it's all one way at the moment and that is not a friendship.

If the baby is still quite new, she could have been overwhelmed trying to fit all the relatives in. I'm abroad, and coming back never feels like a holiday, more one long rush of unfullfill-able social obligations and endless car journeys, so maybe she didn't know how to say that she just didn't have time and energy for one more.

I live overseas and my closest friends are spread across the world.
It may just be us, but we find that it's really difficult to have a continuous intense remote friendship. The friendships are no less strong because we don't message everyday or even every month. Messages need something definite to talk about, which is much easier when you see each other regularly and have mutual friends and activities to talk about. Otherwise, the conversations rapidly get stale and stilted. But when we see each other, we still see all the qualities that made us such close friends and the distance doesn't matter. Those are the people who feel like true friends, rather than the ones you go for coffee with weekly to bitch about the weather because they happen to be in the same city, but you wouldn't keep in touch with if they left.

So after rambling, what I'm trying to say is, if it's good when you see her and if you can cope with a hands-off friendship, don't dump her! She may still consider you one of her best friends.

I would just leave it up to her to get in touch/arrange anything rather than make the effort myself in this case. If she suggests meeting, respond with something like 'that would be great, suggest a date and I'll see if I can make it' and leave it at that.

Thanks all. It’s actually really helpful to hear from people who don’t know either of us.

I do realise that she won’t have a huge amount of time and don’t expect (or want) an intense friendship. If my friend had got in touch and said Gosh, I’m sorry but I’m doing CYZ and ABC so probably won’t have time to meet up, I would have been cool with that.

I’ve realised that I haven’t met up with her for three years and I feel a pillock sending a load of messages which go unread (I only send a message once every few months).

You don’t sound like a pillock, just a decent person!

Thank you! It’s a bit weird because her mum sent me a happy birthday message on FB at the weekend - so her mum still thinks we are friends. Perhaps she does this for all her FB contacts.

I have a friend like this - so painful!

But when I had cancer she was absolutely brilliant, went above and beyond.

So you never know eh. She clearly cares for me...