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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abuse survivors

12 replies

Fucksandflowers · 19/06/2019 00:45

Is there anything some one could have said or done to get you out?
Or is it something you have to decide for yourself?

My friend is in such a relationship.
I don’t know what to do.
She won’t leave.

Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
namechange991 · 19/06/2019 00:49

I'm 20 and I'll tell u Doesn't get better. I'm ready to leave as I'm not doing it anymore. They say sorry like it's nothing. It has no meaning and it'll always happen again wether it's a week a day a month or a year down the line. You are not worth what your going through and you don't deserve it. But your not the only one and your certainly not the last, and you won't be. I saw a poem on my Facebook -

Abuse survivors
namechange991 · 19/06/2019 00:52

Someone showed me that and I read and realised I let myself get to 612 and 729 within three years, if she's in real danger. Try talk and persuade her. Sometime people need that push to do something and realise it is wrong and they deserve better

IWantMyHatBack · 19/06/2019 00:54

That out of every single one of the women that I know that have got out of abusive relationships (and I know far too many...) not one of them regrets their decision to leave. The only thing that they all regret is not doing it sooner.

cheeseislife8 · 19/06/2019 01:02

While some of us have the lightbulb moment, it takes others to realise someone else has noticed to do something. That person needs a lot of support and needs to know that it's not their fault

Fucksandflowers · 19/06/2019 08:06

Horrible, miserable update.

So I spoke to my friend last night.
It all seemed to be going well.
She said she would call the council in the morning to try and arrange housing and women’s aid once baby was asleep.

The police held him for just a few hours.
He was released and returned home in the early hours before she could call.

I feel quite sick.

What on Earth were they thinking releasing him after just a few hours?!
No mention of TRO or pressing charges or anything to her as far as I know.

OP posts:
opinionminion · 19/06/2019 08:26

I left my abuser twice - once for four days then for two weeks. Each time I was devastated and each time I was reassured things would change.

I left for good yesterday. I just cannot do it anymore.

Five years of mental torture - gas lighting, questioning, hiding my personal possessions, wild accusations. Unable to see friends and family.

  • Five years of financial abuse. My wages taken from me every month. My nest egg used to get him out of debt. Given pocket money like a child. Bills unpaid. Opening up a bank account in my name forging my signature.
  • Physical abuse. Throwing things at me at first.
Then picking me up and throwing ME outside. I suffered a frozen shoulder and ended up on tramadol and radiology needle guided steroid injections. Twice. Pulling me out of bed by my hair - being dragged through our bedroom and down the stairs like this. Being stamped on. Kicked in the face then dragged again by my hair onto the drive and left out in the snow like a heap of rubbish.

The list could go on.
Unfortunately although the good times were amazing the bad times were absolutely terrifying.
No one ever knew.

I am a shadow of my former self. I have become a yes person. I am in constant flight/fright mode. I'm constantly ill. I can't relax to sleep.

No. No more. I hit a mental brick wall and thought NO I cannot endure this ANYMORE.

I packed my car on Monday evening whilst he was at work. I went to work yesterday and went straight to dear friends after. Friends he doesn't know because he decided he didn't like any of my personal friends even though he never met them. I will stay with them until I can rent a room of my own.
I am not even strong enough to think of renting a house and setting up a home.

The trigger for this ? A horrible accusing message he sent to a wonderful loved friend of ours. And I thought ENOUGH. I have lost enough.

Then I will heal and decide my future.

opinionminion · 19/06/2019 08:46

I apologise for my rambling post above. Your friend needs to go that is quite clear.

But mentally she has to be ready herself. I found it easier yesterday - I absolutely knew I couldn't go on any longer without having a breakdown.

Keep talking to her and encouraging her to leave. I spoke to Women's Aid and they gave me support. Listened. Understood. I've been offered face to face counselling through them too.

Perhaps that could be a way forward for now until she is strong enough to leave. You are doing an amazing job supporting her.

I'm so sorry she is going through this.

WhatWouldLIfeBe · 19/06/2019 09:39

Your friend is doing all the right things. She has been to the police, the police are helping her with Women's Aid. The wheels are on for change. It is a really frightening time for her and a particularly dangerous one. WA and the police know that and will be doing everything they can to secure her safety.

What you can do is listen. You can ask your friend if she would like you to accompany her to appointments. You can ask her what support you can give. If she would like you to go with her you can ask the professionals what you can do to help as well. Basically you can be there for her. You can't do it for her. You can begin to learn for yourself the dynamics of domestic abuse. You won't find solutions for her. That's for her to do. Lots and lots of listening goes a long way.

Everyone's situation is different. Look after yourself and keep your pecker up!

Abusers operate like heat-seeking missiles. Your friend will start to learn the red flags and hopefully you will too. It is absolutely not her fault. There are sadly a lot of predators out there.

Fucksandflowers · 19/06/2019 09:49

She has been to the police, the police are helping her with Women's Aid

No no no.

I’m afraid I haven’t made the situation clear enough in my post.

She didn’t call the police, a neighbour did.

I persuaded her to call women’s aid.

The police have been a disgrace.
They arrested him then released him after just a few hours and didn’t ask her about restraining orders or pressing charges or anything.

She thought he would be held for 24 hours giving her time to call women’s aid and the council.

But she couldn’t call either because he arrived back home before she had a chance.

OP posts:
My3boys9910 · 19/06/2019 18:34

My kids were my reason to leave...I didnt feel important or worth anything...but my kids were worth everything.

cheeseislife8 · 19/06/2019 21:27

That's insane, they could at least have advised her he was released iscthat she could get away.

@opinionminion I'm so sorry you went through that, and so glad you've finally got out. Your new life starts here!

opinionminion · 19/06/2019 22:29

cheeseislife8
Thankyou for your kind words. I've now got a massive mountain to climb. But it really is other people - friends family and work colleagues who will be pushing me up.

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