Ghosted by my therapist

[Butterdream]

I've seen a therapist on and off for around 4 years. She specialises in lots of areas such as coaching, CBT and counselling so she tends to offer different services for different needs which I've found hugely helpful over the years.

I've been a little too dependent on her at times and at others, struggled with some of the methods proposed when it comes to dealing with my relationship. She has offered considerable help and at other times, pulled away from helping me as much. I think I've been perhaps put her on a pedestal a little, looking to know her thoughts and ideas more than exploring what is right for me. I see her once every 2 months or so.

I recently contacted her again to arrange to see her and she has not responded at all. I have friends who see her after I recommended her to them and I know she has been in contact with them.

I think that, because I've valued her opinions and advice so much, I am struggling with her not responding to me. I do think she has received my email and I dont think it's a case of her not receiving it. I have suspected for the last year that perhaps she has not enjoyed working with me as much. Maybe because we have not had any success in terms of dealing with my marriage (although lots of successes in other areas of my life through her help).

I've felt sensed some irritability from her when the methods and ideas for improving my marriage haven't worked. I keep going back to her and complaining about the same things, which must be frustrating but also a part of the job I guess?

I know 2 friends are having great successes working with her and I'm a bit embarrassed and a bit sad that I've been ghosted by her it seems. Her work really built me up quite a lot, particularly in terms of confidence and self esteem but this ghosting has made me feel a little... rejected a guess.

I need to gain some positive perspective perhaps?

Tough one. I think the thing is counsellors are human too, although I am going to be honest she could have replied to you. Perhaps it is an oversight on her part, not so much a rejection. What works for one doesn't work for another. Her techniques havn't always beem helpful and you sense her irritability. Perhaps you could look into another counsellor ?

How did you contact her?

It's possible/more likely, surely, she missed the message. I'd try again - it would be unprofessional of her to ignore you. She can tell you she's got no availability if she wants to bin you off.

Um could be innocent - misplaced email.

Or given your description she may feel a bit burnt out with trying to help you.

Please don’t take this personally, it’s a very intense relationship. Perhaps she’s having her own issues that mean dealing with yours are too close to home?

However, I think she needs to handle it better by being honest with you. Also 4 years is a long time to be in counselling, perhaps the relationship got a bit dependent?

Again not a bad reflection on you.

Maybe take a break and then find someone else.

She has been taking an awfully long time to reply to my emails 1-2 weeks as opposed to 1-2 days originally. I know she replies within 1-2 days for the friends who currently see her. I think that maybe I have needed to take the hint.

She probably is burnt out with me going to her about the same issues with DH. I don't have a great mother around me and she is roughly the same age as my mum and I do wonder if I'd become overly reliant.

She shouldn't ghost, she should be handing any issues related to your therapy in her supervision. If she is doing these things it's incredibly unprofessional- perhaps look into the complaints procedure. You should have had information at the start of your therapy and set out boundaries etc.

How about emailing her and asking, if she doesn't have availability, to recommend someone else?

If your friends are current clients and you're not, different response times are to be expected.

It does sound like it would be best to try someone else if it's got to the stage you feel your therapist is avoiding you.

It does sound like she has turned into someone you go to to tell all your woes to rather than someone you go to to analyse your behaviours and develop strategies for change with. Perhaps she's wondering what her purpose is after all this time if you are going over old ground without making progress.

I think you need to contact her again and discuss your concerns to understand the situation rather than double-guessing.

They blame ex, say their "issues" are due to ex/, previous relationship .. gets them loads of leeway with new woman ('oh he's just got all these issues because of her") who tries to prove she's not like the ex ... Not realising it's mostly lies or twisting the truth, and he's the problem.

They get a lot of time and leeway out of that.

Wrong thread sorry .

I am a therapist. I don't do CBT or coaching. They tend to be short term solution focused ways of working and I prefer to work longer term with clients. Perhaps she feel a bit out of her depth working long term. Perhaps you could look at finding a new therapist who works relationally and who can handle long term work.

I am a bit concerned that she has taken on your friends as clients. Are they close friends and does she know? I wouldn't work with my clients friends. It crosses boundaries.

Is she suitably qualifies and accredited with relevant bodies op?

From
Your description it sounds like you’d benefit from a more interpersonal psychotherapy which looks at your attachment style

Just send her another message via a different platform, perhaps SMS, say you were thinking of booking another session and whether she felt that would be helpful/appropriate to do. She may have a certain time of the week or fortnight she replies to emails from infrequent or potential clients whereas the ones she sees regularly she has to reply to sooner due to the sessions being more closely spaced.

If she’s worth her salt you can have an open discussion about whether you both think therapy is working or helping, what you’ve got from it so far and what you’d like to work towards. She should be more than capable of having an honest discussion with you if she feels therapy isn’t benefitting you (it’d be somewhat unethical for her to keep seeing her knowing it’s not helping). Perhaps she’s also picked up on the over reliance and dependence and feels that she’s not the right therapist for you if you’re seeing her in that way and making very little progress over such a long period of time. But again, you can discuss this together.

It’s terrible if she has indeed ghosted you, but I think it’s too soon to say that’s the case, when did you last email her? If you see her infrequently it would make sense she doesn’t jump to immediately reply to you when she’s busy.

To be really honest I think that from what you’ve said you’re not getting any of your healthy needs met by this therapist, it sounds like going round in circles and as though you’ve developed an unhealthy attachment to her as a pseudo mother figure and that’s why this is hurting rather than seeing it at its core as a therapist/client business relationship. There comes a point where no matter how much support and guidance she gives you, only you can take steps to change the things that are making you unhappy, and it sounds like she’s done her best to help but you’re stuck in the same position as you were four years ago with your marriage. Which would indicate that therapy isn’t really giving you anything that blowing off steam with a friend couldn’t give you.

Btw, that seems very odd that she’s also seeing your friends. A therapist would generally try to avoid seeing clients who are closely connected to or related to one another as their confidential knowledge of each individual might inevitably seep into the way they perceive and respond to you. I’m assuming she never breathes a word to any of you about the others, and you only know this due to a coincidence discussing therapy with your friends and realising you go to the same person?

I keep going back to her and complaining about the same things, which must be frustrating but also a part of the job I guess?

Kinda. But at the same time she has an ethical responsibility to provide care that is giving some benefit to her client, it’d be wrong for example for her to see you for ten years on the trot knowing full well you’re no better off now than you were at the beginning. Just as you can terminate the therapy relationship whenever you wish, so can she, it’s entered into willingly from both sides. So if she feels she’s taking your money to just listen to you saying the same things every month without seeing progress I’d argue it’s actually right for her to bring it to a close and give you the opportunity to work with someone fresh, or whatever else you choose to do. But she should be more than able to have this blunt discussion so you’re not left guessing.

Ultimately it sounds like she means a lot to you, almost a pseudo friend or mother figure you enjoy going to every couple of months just to blow off steam without really progressing or putting into practice the techniques and strategies she’s offering (which is of course your right). But you would do well to remember for her this is her job and a business relationship, she no doubt cares about you as a client but when she’s seeing multiple people weekly with their own issues and also as a human being has her own life to lead. You’re one of many and hopefully that helps you to take this less personally.

I am a bit concerned that she has taken on your friends as clients. Are they close friends and does she know? I wouldn't work with my clients friends. It crosses boundaries so you can't recommend your therapist to someone you know?

OP I think she sounds very unprofessional,she should reply as soon as she is able and IF she thinks she can't help you anymore she should tell you in session not leave you hanging.

She specialises in lots of areas such as coaching, CBT and counselling

This intrigued me. It’s a pretty intense, long route to become a counsellor, an entirely different route to become a CBT therapist, and as for coaching I believe anyone can call themselves that. Is she a qualified registered counsellor AND a qualified registered CBT therapist? A lot of therapists are one or the other but have some basic knowledge of the other modality and therefore claim to be able to do either/both (‘integrative’ is often a buzzword), leaving the client to believe they’re receiving actual professional quality CBT or counselling when in reality their therapist is trained in one modality and has done a weekend workshop in the other or read a few books.

I’ve had experience of this myself: an accredited counsellor claiming to ‘also be able to do CBT’, stating when asked that yes they’re a qualified CBT therapist, and then finally admitting they did a one week course in the basics of CBT (and they weren’t registered with the BABCP so they lied initially). To train as a CBT therapist in the U.K. you need either a core professor in social work or MH nursing or a psychology degree plus relevant experience and then a year long postgraduate diploma at an accredited institution such as a university.

Sorry if that’s not helpful but it rang warning bells. Perhaps she genuinely has done three years + training in counselling (it’s longer than CBT as it doesn’t require a pre existing relevant social work, nursing or psych degree so you are starting from scratch) and then another year’s postgrad in CBT, I know a couple of people who’ve done that but I know many more charlatans claiming to be able to do all sorts when they’re simply unqualified.

so you can't recommend your therapist to someone you know?

It’s a bit of a grey area as ‘someone you know’ is very vague. Also bear in mind anyone in the UK can call themselves a therapist and start seeing clients, it’s not a regulated title.

However when it comes to close relationships, most qualified therapists wouldn’t see both the husband and the wife unless it’s also in conjunction with and supplemental relationship therapy, nor would they take on a client who has a close relationship with someone they’re already seeing for reasons I mentioned above. There’s no hard and fast rule but many therapists will implement this boundary. In the NHS for example if someone is referred into a team who is the partner or child or close friend of someone already in therapy they’d always be allocated to a different therapist.

You can of course recommend a therapist to someone you know as it’ll be down to the therapist to assess the situation and implement those boundaries, not you.

I have to say alarm bells started ringing almost immediately, like @EmeraldRubyShark says your therapist would be unusual to offer so many different therapies. Unfortunately the popularity of CBT has meant a flood of people making money doing weekend courses on CBT, which do not in any way qualify a therapist to advertise it as one of their services, but they do. The fact that your therapist has also been wholly unprofessional in ghosting you and then also taking on friends as clients would to me indicate she is a charlatan. It is certainly not ethical to simply ignore a client you don't wish to see anymore. Is she registered with the relevant governing bodies or not? Regardless of whether you report her if you find evidence of lying, you should start looking for a different therapist, and perhaps a new method of therapy as you admit you haven't seen much progress in 4 years.

My thoughts are that it is unethical for this therapist to be working with your friends. I would question her qualifications and training.

Unfortunately the popularity of CBT has meant a flood of people making money doing weekend courses on CBT, which do not in any way qualify a therapist to advertise it as one of their services, but they do.

And then clients who could have genuinely benefited from CBT write it off in the future as useless because they were given a few self help worksheets to write down their thoughts on and told to just think positively... and believe that’s CBT. No longitudinal assessment, work on core beliefs, evidence based protocols, thorough relapse prevention work... it does a real disservice to an extremely effective therapy.

She should reply to you as a professional. If she's having issues treating you, that's on her not you. As said above, she should have supervision sessions as part of her practice, where she can discuss her issues. However you might want to think about a change of therapist - perhaps a fresh start with someone else might be a good thing?