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Relationships

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Original poster

Self sabotage - FWB situation

15 replies

Shelly1211 · 18/06/2019 20:44

Hi,

I have a FWB who I've been seeing for a couple a months, friends for about 5 months before. We started having sex about a month ago, my first time in 2 years after an abusive relationship plus I never really had any decent sexual experiences prior to this. He is the first truly satisfying partner ive ever had and that scares me.

TBH I'm really happy with him, it's a massive escape from my reality where I'm very organised and sensible but I find myself hiding from him, trying to put distance between us or think of reasons why we shouldn't be doing what we are doing, simply because I'm scared to enjoy myself. He has a history of depression and also lost a prior GF/great love to illness so he thinks I'm the source of happiness in his life. I know there is no future but the thought of meeting someone regularly for dates and sex without the formalities of where is this going, is so new to me.

OP posts:

daisyboocantoo · 18/06/2019 20:55

If you dared to allow yourself to dream that nothing is impossible and were incredibly honest with yourself, what are you trying to achieve with this situation?

Original poster

Shelly1211 · 18/06/2019 21:09

@daisyboocantoo when we are together, he gives me the intimacy I've never experienced before. It's intoxicating and I'm addicted to feeling close to someone for once. I think it's similar for him, he hasn't had that intimacy in a long time.

OP posts:

daisyboocantoo · 18/06/2019 22:13

Do you like him as a person?

daisyboocantoo · 18/06/2019 22:16

I don't really understand why you think there is no future?

velocitygirl7 · 18/06/2019 22:21

Wouldn't you both like more? Is that what you want? You sound cautious but smitten!

DoYouThinkHeLikesMe · 18/06/2019 22:42

Fwb arrangements only really working it's true fwb.

I had a couple if fwb things after my abusive relationship ended a few years ago and found them to be great for practising intimacy, sex and being with a man without all the distress of romantic feelings.

Original poster

Shelly1211 · 19/06/2019 00:15

@daisyboocantoo yes, fun person but his mental issues plus lifestyle make it impossible long term. I have a very stable, solvent life, with small children. We agreed both of us are an escape from each other's lives. The sex has been eye opening, and we get on really well. I guess I'm scared I'm opening up to someone and letting myself become vulnerable when it isn't even a 'real' relationship

OP posts:

LittleDoll · 19/06/2019 02:06

My partner used to say these things about me but it turns out that we actually really balance each other. Different from you doesnt always mean negative.

What do you mean about his lifestyle and mental health?

NoNonsense234 · 19/06/2019 11:01

Is it clear between the two of you that it will only ever be a friends with benefits type 'relationship'?
I've had a few friends with benefits and have definately found the sexual connection to them much more intense than I have ever had in a normal relationship, I think mostly its because the sex is the main focus, you don't have to worry about the relationship part of things and that makes it so much more amazing.
I won't lie, it has hurt when these come to an end because I have developed feelings despite trying to distance myself in that way. Friends with benefits can be amazing if you are both on the same page with the same expectations of where it is going. I think the main thing you can do is establish if there is the possibility of it going any further, because you don't want to find yourself falling for somebody if those feelings will never be reciprocated.

Original poster

Shelly1211 · 19/06/2019 11:31

@NoNonsense234 we kind of fell into the FWB situation. I said early on we didn't have any future but we were having such a nice time that I continued seeing him regularly. He is also saying he doesn't know what might happen but just enjoying our time together. I think he is used to unsatisfying relationships that just happy to take whatever I offer him for now. I guess what I find confusing is it's not a traditional type of thing, like I always thought I'd be in

OP posts:

pudding21 · 19/06/2019 13:17

OP: I had a FWB benefit arrangement for about 6 months. Was just physical, we didnt really talk about my or his life, we just hung out, had a lot of amazing sex and that was about it. After the 6 months, we both started to get feelings, pulled away and decided to end it amicibly (I had just come out of a 21 year EA relationship and knew I wasn't in a good place to have a relationship, he is a bit of a committment phobe and freaked out when he thought I wanted more, I didnt at the time, he just thougth I did).

I had 6 months of tinder, had a great time with firends, built relationships with family and friends and we started to see each other again, for about 4 or 5 months just casually. Then something changed, he became more interested in my life, I was more open to things, and since September aside from when I have not been home , I have seen him every day and he stays at mine every time the kids aren't here but comes to see me every day.

He has met my kids now and they get on with him and we are now in a committed relationship (been seing each other since April last year again, so well over a year) . The first time we were seeing each other, I didn't want it and therefore didnt allow myself to get to know him. I am so happy we decided to give it a go, it was a little bt tricky from my point of view at first as I didnt really understand his intentions.I have now met his family and friends, and he truely is one of the nicest kindest people I have ever met. The physical connection and intamcy remains the same, we are just properly in a space to be able to learn to love each other. He has hs life, I am very busy, we never argue and he has helped me heal so much (by being so patient with me). Sometimmes it can work out.

Original poster

Shelly1211 · 19/06/2019 14:50

@pudding21 what a lovely story, thank you so much for sharing. I did it the flip side, I dated online but nothing was going anywhere because I don't think I was emotionally ready whereas here I seem to have let myself go. Definitely we aren't in a place to call it more than that, it's sex but also a great friendship but can't see it as more than that for now just because he is in a very different place to me, little money, most likely trying to recover from depression and the loss of a loved one. I just think we might have come into each other's lives at the right time.

OP posts:

NoNonsense234 · 19/06/2019 15:52

Like the previous post has said sometimes it does work out despite the initial intention. One of my long term relationships started from a one night stand (that turned into sleeping with each other a few times over a couple of weeks) I wouldn't have classed it as fwb as it was assumed by both of us it would just be a few times as we both had no desire for anything more, I was just out of a relationship and he was a few years younger and wanted to be free and single to play the field. That ended up being a 5 year relationship 🙂

DoYouThinkHeLikesMe · 19/06/2019 21:44

I'd have been horrified if any of my fwbs had caught feelings!

DoYouThinkHeLikesMe · 19/06/2019 21:47

I've had a few friends with benefits and have definately found the sexual connection to them much more intense than I have ever had in a normal relationship

Completely agree with this.

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