Don't know what to do. No sex in marriage for six years.

[Paraballa]

I realised today that my marriage has been sexless for longer than not. My husband is not intimate or affectionate with me at all and hasn't been for years.

When we got together he was affectionate and loving but it tailed off after I had our eldest and then was mostly only about trying to have another (we had a lot of difficulties) and then since having our youngest it's just stopped.

I've talked to him countless times but there's always an excuse. I can't remember the last time we hugged or kissed.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I love him any more. I feel so unwanted and ugly. And trapped in a marriage that's only a marriage in name.

Has anyone experienced this and found a solution?

Yes. I had the same thing from my XW. We divorced, as I didn't want to "play away", but desperately needed sex / intimacy, and she wasn't in a position to give it...

You have to decide what there is left in your relationship. Is the lack of intimacy /sex worth whatever you do have together? If not, I'm afraid your only recourse may be to leave him...

You have just one life to live, and your marriage is dead. Is this how you want to spend the next 40-50 years of your life? I know I wouldn't. You are doomed to become a miserable shell of yourself if you stay with him.

I was in the same boat, I went 12yrs without! He just wasn't interested & all intimacy was lost. I found it soul destroying & had to leave.

I don't want to leave. I just want what we had before. But I can't live like this forever.
Has no one managed to change a sexless marriage?

What are his excuses?

It’s common to lose your sex drive when the DCs are very young. I know I did as I was always just too exhausted and probably channeled myself into the DCs. We went about 3 years without sex. But the sex and intimacy then crept back over time as the DCs got older. Yours sound a bit older than toddler age though, but you can still get it back - communication is the key. Try and get away just the two of you for a night - you can then have a frank discussion with no interruptions.

"Has no one managed to change a sexless marriage?"

Not one like yours. He doesn't even want to do anything about it. For whatever reason he's quite comfortable with the current situation.

His excuses have mainly been when we were Co sleeping and youngest was in our bed. But that hasn't been the case for a little while. I haven't dared ask since then to be honest. I'm scared of what the answer might be.

I am frightened that he is happy this way and doesn't want to change.

It's sounds like he is happy to be like this. I'm asexual and I'd love a sex less marriage but it isn't going to happen.
I think he owes you some honesty after children and all this time married.
You need to know why he doesn't want sex and if he is playing away.
You deserve an honest answer so you can decide what to do. You deserve this much.

We are on year 7 of no sex or cuddles or compliments. It's slowly killing me - and him too l think - but somehow we are stuck. We went away without the children and it was awful. The pressure was huge and we ended up arguing. Like you, l don't know what to do. I feel frozen and very very sad.

Porn, porn, porn. So tragically common now. And in no way your fault. Co-sleeping with your lo allowed him uninterrupted access while in another room.

In same situation no sex for about 4 yrs. discussed it last night actually. Dont know how to move forward or get intimacy back.

I echo pp who said he's maybe developed a severe porn habit. It's becoming all too prevalent. Once they become addicted to that, their wish for actual intimacy with their real life partner goes out the window.

Is sex therapy an option for you? Wish I'd done it years ago

I doubt if porn is "addictive" except in some rare cases. But I can see how as desire and libido drops in a LTR it might become easier than the real thing. But what can you do then? You can't shame and berate him into giving it up. He has to want to, voluntarily. But OPs case is an extreme on, regardless of the cause I'd say she should leave.

Porn is very addictive to long term users. Sex with a partner becomes very vanilla compared to the images you are seeing. If you have a fantasy or kink, porn meets that need and the relationship suffers.

Well you need to tell him what you have told us.
You are totally falling out of love with him.
The lack of affection is not something you are prepared to live with.
You either go to counselling together or you put in a plan to separate.
He needs to understand this spells the end of your relationship.
If he doesn't know then he can't help with trying to fix it.
You did not sign up to this life.
Don't go on living the half life.
You get one shot at this.
Don't waste it in the loveless marriage.
If he isn't prepared to work on it then you need to prepared to walk away.

I'm pretty certain it's not porn. He was cosleeping too and he's not really got opportunity for porn. He's always with me. I think he might be asexual.

Countrypie I'm sorry you're in the same situation. Maybe we can help each other? It's so difficult.

And kaeno too.

Hellsbells I have talked to him before but I know I need to again.

It's our anniversary soon and I don't want to buy a card because it feels so False writing I love you when I don't think I do any more 😪

You need to discuss this with him. He may be asexual. Mine is. I got sick of it after 6 years and I told him we either split or I need to find my needs satisfied elsewhere, which he's agreed to, so that is what I do.

We're flatmates because we're not able to afford to split and we have other issues regarding our children. I'm currently seeing someone regularly and another man from time to time. He said he doesn't care but doesn't want to know. Neither man is known to my h.

Very difficult to come back from. My ex refused to discuss it, blamed me for gaining weight (just after 2nd child was born) took zero responsibility for improving things.

I had no other option but to end it. In our case his attitude towards sex and sexual behaviour was symptomatic of greater personality issues on his part.

He didn't want me and did his best to ensure noone else would either. Even when we were splitting up he said if we wanted to make it work, we just had to put our minds to it.....🙄🙄🙄

I'm still not having sex because my self esteem was shot to pieces. I was borderline suicidal for quite some time. I'm learning to live again but it's so hard not to see myself as a gruesome freak. And I am not overstating things.

Be careful and think about what is right for you, deep down.

I had exactly the same situation and we split up last year. I've never looked back and met a man who is the complete opposite. Can't believe I missed out for so long

See, my h was never very affectionate and tbh, he was not good in bed at all. But we both had other reasons to marry and have a family and those still stand. He just doesn't care for sex, affection, cuddles, etc. So once we spoke about it, but honestly, you have to be willing to either put up with it or leave if you get the point where you're like, we're splitting or I'm going to need to see other people for my needs.

He just doesn't care for sex or affection. We haven't shared a bed for years, either.

Both my lovers are single and know my situation and none of us wants a committed relationship (both divorced) right now.

As long as everyone's being honest.