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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I hold off on texting him?

28 replies

Flairhead · 18/06/2019 17:00

Met a guy a couple of months ago, friend of a friend. We saw each other a couple of times as part of a group, and I added him on Facebook. Didn't really think too much of it, I just thought be was cool.

He started messaging me a few weeks ago, just friendly stuff, talked about work and food (we talk about food a lot!).

Anyway at the weekend we were both off work, I was going to see a play my friend was in and I'd messaged this guy during the day asking what his plans were, he didn't really have any but said he'd be going to the pub where he worked to get out of the house. I said cool, might join you later. Which I did.

We spent a few hours together, then met up with a mutual friend and we all went back to mine for a few more drinks. It gets to the end of the night, mutual friend is on the phone to another friend in the other room and me and this guy have a bit of a kiss and cuddle. We briefly discuss him staying over but decide it's too soon.

I texted him on Sunday and again last night, but should I be sticking to the whole three day rule thing? I'm really not very well practiced at dating, I don't want to come across as way too keen but I would like to see him again! I've told him this, so should I leave it to him to text me now?

OP posts:
msmith501 · 18/06/2019 17:04

Ignore any "rules"... go with your heart and let your brain have the occasional look in. Rules are for work Smile

FuriousVexation · 18/06/2019 17:07

wha.. Did you want to fuck him? Why didn't you fuck him?

Sagradafamiliar · 18/06/2019 17:15

Never heard of such a rule. I assume he's replying? Just speak as you have been and see what happens

Flairhead · 18/06/2019 17:58

I wanted him to stay, but I was enjoying his company! I had my period anyway, but seems too soon for sex since I hardly know him really!

He is replying, which I guess is good. Maybe I should wait, give him the chance to miss me? He knows I'm working tonight, he's off until tomorrow. I like him and do want to see him again, but should I let him do the chasing? I've heard guys like that...

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 18/06/2019 18:02

I don't know about guys liking to chase, but they probably don't like being chased.
Give him a chance to take some initiative.

Bluerussian · 18/06/2019 18:05

I agree with Mxyzptlk.

Flairhead · 18/06/2019 18:49

So maybe not text him tonight? See if he gets in touch first?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/06/2019 18:53

No, wait to see what happens. And don't sleep with him too soon, either! There've been thousands of threads on here when a woman's slept with a man immediately and then ended up crying because he's not been in touch again. I would just wait and see - let him reveal what he thinks about you, first.

Flairhead · 18/06/2019 19:03

Okay, good advice! If I don't hear from him by Thursday night I can text him then maybe? Hope I don't crack before then though!

I haven't done the whole dating thing for years. I recently got divorced and besides a couple of unsuccessful POF dates there hasn't really been anyone on the horizon so I'm a bit in the dark here!

OP posts:
happybunny007 · 18/06/2019 19:26

And don't sleep with him too soon, either! There've been thousands of threads on here when a woman's slept with a man immediately and then ended up crying because he's not been in touch again

This is a load of rubbish. Whether or not a relationship develops has nothing to do with how quick you do or do not sleep with someone.

Sleep with him when you want to.

Equalityumber · 18/06/2019 19:38

I would definitely wait to hear from him now. If he does get in touch then you can casually ask about his weekend plans and see what he says. If you don’t hear anything then I would assume he’s not interested and move on.

Flairhead · 18/06/2019 23:30

If I don't hear from him by Thursday night I'll message him then. Reason being I finish up at work for ten days then (he knows this) so I can pass it off as being glad that I'm off, looking forward to some free time etc. Good idea or bad idea?

OP posts:
happybunny007 · 19/06/2019 00:08

Mmmm, you see if it was me I would text him. However as a third party looking in it is patently obvious that he knows your number, and if he wanted to contact you he knows where you are. If you have been doing all the instigating then let him take the lead instead. If he is the right guy for you then he will be keen enough to pick up the phone. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re chasing after someone. You shouldn’t have to remind him that you’re alive.

Chocmallows · 19/06/2019 00:11

Text tomorrow evening if no reply by then.

msmith501 · 19/06/2019 06:43

I think it must be my age but what's wrong in letting someone know how you feel rather than over-thinking about rules that don't appear to be working. Both this thread which focuses on not contacting someone you're keen on and the thread below which focuses on "why haven't I been contacted sooner...isn't he keen on me?" highlight how ridiculous some of the dating regulations have become. What did we do before social media came along and made it all so difficult? We made plans, looked forward to them, got on with our lives in between (maintained perspective) and then for the most part had a bloody good time.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3614990-Overthinking-No-response-from-date

ShatnersWig · 19/06/2019 08:20

How old are you OP?

Flairhead · 19/06/2019 09:02

I'm 32, he's 29

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 19/06/2019 09:08

I'm quite surprised. I thought you'd be much younger.

but should I let him do the chasing? I've heard guys like that...

No, because not all men are the same. I'm a guy, and chasing is for dogs when they get off leads. The whole "rules" and "games" are for teenagers at school. not grown adults.

If YOU want to text someone, do it. If YOU want to sleep with someone, do it. Rules, games, traditions mean fuck all. Do what YOU feel right about. And see how the die falls.

Windmillwhirl · 19/06/2019 09:10

I don't entirely agree games dont matter. Some people do like the thrill of the chase. Some people see eagerness as desperation, others as assertive.

It comes down to the person.

Op, just be yourself. If he likes that, great, if not, he's not for you.

Flairhead · 19/06/2019 09:24

I've only ever had one proper relationship and that was my ex DH, so I've not got much experience at dating, probably why I'm coming across a bit younger.

I'm just wary of looking too keen and scaring him off.

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 19/06/2019 10:18

Christ, I couldn't be doing with all this will I, won't I text him nonsense.

When my boyfriend and I first met we texted constantly, he would miles out of his way to pick me up from work and then we would be together when my kids went to bed.

Don't worry about rules op, just go with it.

Mxyzptlk · 19/06/2019 15:19

Whether or not a relationship develops has nothing to do with how quick you do or do not sleep with someone.

Of course it does if you think having sex is an important thing between the two of you and you don't just want to find out it was a one-off banging session.

Flairhead · 19/06/2019 16:54

That's exactly it Mxyzptlk. I don't want things to get that far if that's all he wants. But then again if it was, wouldn't he have been keener to stay the other night?

OP posts:
Happinessbegins · 19/06/2019 17:01

Why has he not texted you?

Mxyzptlk · 19/06/2019 17:56

I was just commenting about that previous post, Flairhead, not about this guy. I don't know what he wants and, at this stage, neither do you.

Imo, tho, if someone doesn't want casual sex it makes sense not to jump into bed with someone they hardly know in hopes that it will turn out to be a relationship.
Get to know the person first.

Old-fashioned advice, certainly, but worth bearing in mind.

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