Need some perspective

[rainyday1234]

Hi all,

I need everyone to be honest with me and tell me if I’m being dramatic/silly but last night my boyfriend was working on his laptop doing some work for today and I got annoyed asking why is he doing it and that he shouldn’t be working so late. He told me he was behind and was just catching up.

He sometimes works in the evening and for some reason it really bothers me. He also occasionally takes work calls when on weekends and in evenings. I don’t ever have to work in the evening so maybe that is why I feel this way and see it as unhealthy. He says that he isn’t stressed at all but has ‘sh*t loads to do.’

He has a managerial job in construction and it’s quite demanding and no set hours as such. Should he be working in the evening?

I just need some perspective because my job is 40 hours a week but doesn’t eat into weekends/evenings and I realise that is very rare.

Also, we are going to a festival soon and said that he needs to do a couple of hours work one day while we are there but will do it in the caravan in the morning before going to the festival site. Am I being silly? I don’t know what’s normal and what’s not. I’ve never worked for or known a company that expects you to work on your annual leave? Would you ladies be concerned?

I’m stuck between whether I’m being dramatic or is he struggling with his workload?

You're being dramatic.
I've had times where I've had to work all over a bank holiday weekend to be able to have a couple of days annual leave where nobody bothers me.
Then I've also had times where I've left the office at 2pm because there's nothing to do.

If he's happy, I don't see an issue, however if he's not happy, or is withdrawn or stressed, then he needs to bring it up with his boss.

The problem is once you start working overtime if it's busy, it's always expected of you. However if he's in a senior position it's par for the course I'm afraid

You're not just being dramatic, you're being very controlling. Let him do is work without you moaning or making him justify it fgs.

I could have written this OP. My DP has a very demanding managerial job and seems to work all the hours god sends. He gets home at 7 and works until 11 sometimes, very rarely has a BH off, sometimes doesn't come home until 1am becuase of work 'things' usually has to do something at the weekend etc, etc.

I empathise with you because IMO I feel pushed out quiet a lot and then deal with the fallout that we're not spending any time together . What has worked for us personally is him being open about whether he needs to work late etc. Occasionally I'll ask him not to work and if he can then wont work, we have to schedule time in.

Not sure if any of that helps!

I have a job that requires me to permanently be aware of emails coming in and answer anything urgent- yes you need to get a grip!!!

If he appears to be handling it and juggling life then it seems you are the one with the problem. The higher up the chain you go, the more likely it is there is an expectation that you put extra in commensurate with the pay grade.
Hopefully if he can delegate, he will.

My DH works most evenings and weekends as he is 1 person short in his team at work and needs to achieve a deadline. From what I can see it is pretty normal these days so calm down, chill and use the time to watch all the TV progs he doesn't like or have a really nice pamper in the bathroom (I do!).

L

I work some evenings - I certainly answer emails in the eves/weekends if I think it's advantageous rather than wait til monday. My partner and most of my friends work sometimes in the eve and at times during the weekend, too. I would back off and do your own thing, if I was you. I think he will start to feel stressed by you calling him out on it and that will cause problems between you.

I sometimes work all through the weekend cos self employed. My partner supports me.

Thanks for your honest responses. You all say yes to evenings/weekends but do you have to work when you are on holiday abroad etc or on a booked day off? At our company it’s very frowned upon to work while off and work life balance is promoted. We’d be told off if working when booked annual leave but isn’t like this at my partners company. I will be more supportive in future.

Yes I work when the work needs me

I much prefer to answer an email or call on 'time off' and being able to fire fight, than ignore it till I'm back and it's all gone horribly wrong.

You're lucky you can clock off- not everyone can

It is unhealthy and he shouldn’t get into this habit as work just completely takes over life if you allow it to. I was like this but saw sense and now turn everything off when I get home and never work weekends. Life is too short and there are better things to do than work. I was in London recently and had to get a train to another City about an hour away. I couldn’t believe how many people were commuting home at that time. They couldn’t have been getting in until around 9pm and I guess were setting off at silly o’clock too. Virtually all on laptops on train working too. It’s not for me any longer and I’m not sure why so many people do it.

However it has to be him that realises this. A bit of cajoling never went a miss though!

My workplace pretends to support a good work-life balance but do not at all. They pile on the workload until you crack. Then, when you do crack, they assume you're incompetent rather than reviewing their issues.

It says a lot when 4 people in one team got signed off with stress in 1 month...

I understand where you're coming from, and I understand where he's coming from.

I am very supportive of DH's work, and understand that it is not a 9-5 job that he can just switch off from - however, on holiday I do expect that he will switch off.

And just this Sunday (Father's Day no less) I got very cross when he had to go into work from 2 until 7.30pm to rectify someone else's cock ups and do a job that isn't even his own. He did get told at that point that he was failing to prioritise his family accep point.tably, and that it was not okay to expect us to be okay with always being pushed down the totem pole.

And to be fair, he conceded the point. After a ding dong row.

I think there's a balance to be struck OP and I think it also depends on whether you have kids, and how much it impacts on you/them. My DH is the major earner, but we both work in professional roles. However, his work was taking over to the point where it was seriously impacting on us as a family and his actual health and well being. In the end I told him he needed to wind it down a bit, or I wasn't sure how much longer we could operate as a family unit. And he took it seriously and took a step back. He still work late some nights, but not every night. And if he can get away early he does. And do you know what, his business (he's a partner) hadn't suffered, in fact it's been more profitable, and he himself is in a much better place. I do get that work in most professional roles now is not 9-5, but there does need to be some non-work time!

And as for the holidays issue, if we are on a long weekend etc he will take calls, respond to emails, but if we are on an actual holiday (week or more) his emails get switched off and his staff told he is only contactable in a dire emergency. There is more to life than work.

Some employers are great about work life boundaries. Some are not.
Some employees manage them and some don’t. I have worked in environments like yours OP where it is frowned upon to work long hours at home but some nutty people still do it. Even when challenged and there is no need.

You need to work out if he is a workaholic and if you could bear it. I love my workaholic DP but he ruined his health doing it.

Thanks everyone.

I think weekends/evenings I kind of understand but when it’s on holiday it seems so wrong. He’s not paid but he is on call which is odd to me. He is a manager for about 60 staff but they all have supervisors but he’s always there to help them and give them advice etc. We do go away a few times a year and do lots of fun things but it feels like the work is always there...He’s very passionate and that’s great but it would be nice to see him switch off 100 percent from it. For example, the work he feels he must do over the festival is the wages for all his staff which is very important and the guy that normally does it keeps messing it up. If it’s wrong he gets a lot of hassle understandably so wants to do it himself. He is friends with the guy so doesn’t want to just get rid of him. He’s not that kind of guy anyway and really looks out for his staff.