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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My child wants to go no contact with their dad.any advice from people who have been through similar?

21 replies

NeverTwerkNaked · 18/06/2019 08:53

My son (10) has had major issues with his dad (who was emotionally abusive towards me when we were together,) and currently doesn't want anything to do with his dad. Dad screamed and shouted and him and also put him in danger a few times.

How do I support him? Should I try and encourage some contact or just respect his wishes? How do I best support him?

NB. I have legal advice, this question is about the parenting /relationships angle.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 18/06/2019 08:56

I think you need to support him in what he wants.
He doesn't want to be screamed at.
He doesn't want to be in danger.
And you don't want that for him either.

I tried to maintain a relationship between my DD and her dad.
He's a friggin' loser though.
And once she turned 18 I just told her it's totally up to her now.
She's probably texts him once a year now.
But it's her decision.

Original poster

NeverTwerkNaked · 18/06/2019 09:16

It just frrlsntr

OP posts:

Original poster

NeverTwerkNaked · 18/06/2019 09:44

Sorry, phone went funny,! I just feel really out of my depth with this.

OP posts:

category12 · 18/06/2019 09:52

I'd be led by him. If he wants to change his mind at a later date, you need to support that too, but cutting contact seems like the best option all round. A relationship with an abusive father isn't one worth promoting.

RatherBeRiding · 18/06/2019 09:57

Absolutely agree with category - be led by the child. At 10 he is old enough to know he doesn't want to be screamed and shouted at, and why should he? Be supportive, allow him to exercise his own judgment, respect his wishes but try not to influence him. Suggest that this situation need not be forever - he can change his mind, and that's fine. He may feel differently in the future - and that's fine. He may not - and that's fine too.

His father has been abusive and put him in danger - why would you encourage contact?

LemonTT · 18/06/2019 09:59

It really depends on your legal advice and the backstory. What you want to do and what you can do may be very different things. Have you involved social services or other agencies ?

The problem is that if the father can and will enforce contact then your reactions could lead to more distress and anxiety for the child whatever you do.

For that reason I don’t see how I or anyone else can give you good advice.

Original poster

NeverTwerkNaked · 18/06/2019 09:59

Just to clarify, my instinct is to support his wishes of course. I just wanted to make sure that was the right thing.

OP posts:

pallasathena · 18/06/2019 10:03

I'd support my child's wishes OP. He's old enough to know what he wants. He has the right to decline participating in a relationship that does nothing for his happiness or wellbeing.
No child should have to put up with any form of abuse.
The law is on your son's side so don't listen to those idiots who tell you otherwise.

category12 · 18/06/2019 10:03

I think it's wrong to force a child to see a parent who treats him that way.

I don't know what your position is legally, but you said that's in hand, so if it's a question of what's morally right - your ds's father lost the right to see him when he put him in danger and screamed abuse. Just because he's a child doesn't mean he should be subjected to emotional abuse from a parent any more than a wife should be from a husband.

springydaff · 18/06/2019 10:14

Why would you want your child to spend one on one time with a known abuser?

fecketyfeck21 · 18/06/2019 10:40

if legal says there needs to be contact then it should be supervised but for the main part i'd put my dc wishes first. why does 'dad'want contact if he is so negative and aggressive, is this a control thing ?

Original poster

NeverTwerkNaked · 18/06/2019 10:45

@springydaff I don't want him to! But also I want to make sure I have fully understood his decision and how it must feel etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

NeverTwerkNaked · 18/06/2019 10:46

I'm not worried about what dad wants, just about doing what is right for my son.

OP posts:

stucknoue · 18/06/2019 10:53

Whilst at 10 they do have their own thoughts and feelings on contact, they probably don't understand the full impact of having no contact with a parent, that one day they may regret it. Every situation is different and only you and he can judge the situation. My h went nc with his day, cried every time because he didn't want to go, told his mum that dad was mean etc yet actually it was the transition he hated and he was horrible to his dad - he regrets not having a relationship (he was 9 when contact stopped). Take good legal advice and an independent person talking to your son away from you and ex about the pros and cons maybe. As I say every situation is unique but low contact may be a good option at first

MothralovesGojira · 18/06/2019 11:12

I had this when DS was about 9. He witnessed ExH punching and kicking his wife on Boxing Day because he couldn't find a screwdriver. When DS came home and told me what had happened we sat down and discussed how he felt, what he wanted to happen and all the options open to us. My DS decided that he couldn't see his dad under those circumstances as even at 9, DS knew that his dad's behaviour was abusive. There was already a long history of dealing with his dad's emotional/mental abuse of his wife where he would try to encourage DS to agree with his 'complaints' and even join in (DS resisted this much to Dad's annoyance).
Because ExH's access was court ordered I had to go back through the courts but I knew that it was pointless talking to him first as he had a history of gaslighting and minimising his behaviour. I filed to have his access suspended on New Years Eve and we were in court a week later. Court order was immediately suspended pending CAFCASS enquiries and ExH was given 1 hour a week supervised contact only with no phone calls or letters. After investigations my DS was believed 100% and ExH had supervised contact for about 6 months and then we gradually reintroduced unsupervised contact and after 18 months overnights resumed.

All DS wanted was for his dad to listen to him and to get help. The judge made it very, very plain to ExH that next time he would lose all contact and this shocked him that a) no one had believed his version of events (ie nothing happened/mad ExW made it up) & b) that I'd stood up to him publicly and made it very plain that his behaviour was wrong - luckily I kept a detailed diary which I could refer to in evidence. Things did improve and it did save my DS's relationship with his dad but it could have gone the other way.

At 10 your DS should be able to articulate his wishes if it goes to court. Keep a diary of everything and write down a timeline of what you can remember of past issues to get it clear in your head. If you have no court order in place then I think that you can just stop contact and wait for Ex to decide what to do. It's also worth discussing with his teacher to advise them of what's going on. Get some legal advice. I hated having to go to court and I hated having to put myself in the position of looking bad to outsiders because I'd stopped ExH having a relationship with his own child (according to ExH I was a bad, mad bitch who was obsessed with destroying his marriage and jealous of his happiness) but it was worth it. Despite my feelings of dread, I had to put my DS's needs first and it was hard.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 18/06/2019 11:18

At 12 my ds went nc with his df. Df didn't even fight it. Been 3 years and ds is very happy and doing well. We had a court order but neither of us saw a solicitor about ds's decision.
Df was neglecting him and very verbally abusive ds told me.
6 months previously ds 14 left exh first. Same reasons.
Your ds must be very certain to make his feelings known at 10. My ds was too scared to confront his df before 12....

NoNonsense234 · 18/06/2019 11:44

My 11 year old DS has a very strained relationship with his dad since we split up when he was 2.
His dad has never had a set schedule for seeing him, despite me trying to implement one so sees him now and then when he feels like it. Over the years he's done things that cause my DS to not want to see him (nothing majorly serious, but don't want to go into details) and as a result he's gone through periods when he refused to go see him and got upset at the thought of it so I have never forced him to go at these times.
He would be more than happy to have NC with his dad if given the option but I gently encourage him to see him every now and then, which he does without fuss. If he refused I wouldn't push him.
If your son doesn't want to see/speak to his dad and you think he could ever be in any possible danger while he's with him then I would fully support his decision to not want anything to do with him. I would do the same for my son if that's what he wanted.

Original poster

NeverTwerkNaked · 18/06/2019 12:53

Thank you. This is all really helpful for framing my thoughts and how I approach it.

DS has been seeing a therapist which I think is why he is becoming more confident in his feelings about it and better able to articulate them.

OP posts:

Pinkmouse6 · 18/06/2019 13:16

My children are 7, 8 and 9. I stopped them staying over night at their Dad’s earlier in the year because they hated doing it so much. He lives in a cramped two bedroom home with his Gf and her two children so they had five children crammed in one bedroom. My DC really hated it, we have a nice spacious home so they felt like they were being sent to some sort of prison camp every time they went . They also didn’t have beds, just blow up mattresses on the floor. Plus exH’s GF always shouts and swears, they just didn’t want to go anymore so I told exH and he didn’t bother putting up a fight.

They’re much happier now as a result. We used to experience lots of stress in the build up to them going because they were so anxious about it.

I’d listen to your son personally. If ex wants to fight you in court then let him. The court will listen to your son’s wishes at that age.

nickymanchester · 18/06/2019 15:18

It's good that you're already getting legal advice.

Rather than going totally NC how about suggesting meeting at a Child Contact Centre where any contact will be supervised?

There's a cost for doing that but perhaps suggest to your ex that it's a choice of NC or a contact centre and that he can pay for it?

eve34 · 18/06/2019 19:13

My ds went no contact last year. He was 12. He had a very difficult relationship with his dad and some very poor parenting from him. He was also getting counselling support which helped him feel more confident with his situation.

I had nursed the contact along until he was 12. Then sought some legal advice.

I have tried very hard to encourage him to see his dad again. But he doesn't wish too. I offer every two weeks as dd still goes. But ds stays in his room.

I am fully supportive of his decision. And tell him he can change his mind anytime. But I would hate for him to regret it and feel I have been instrumental in him not seeing his dad.

If your ex took it to court they will seek your ds opinion and take this into account. Although my ex hasn't made much effort just a few texts.

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