Lack of sex/intamacy

[Namechange468]

Iv been with my partner for 5 years, engaged and have 3 kids, 1 each from previous relationships and a 10 month old baby together.

After the baby was born we started having sex again after only 2 weeks and it was amazing, I felt so close to him and we were having sex every other day which is pretty good considering we had a newborn and 2 older kids. It felt just like the start of the relationship again and I knew it obviously would ease of a bit as life got in the way but since December we have only had sex 14 times (still track as got into the habit when ttc). I did put on a bit of weight during pregnancy and was already overweight before it but I'm working hard to lose this and think I look better now than before the baby so not sure why sex has suddenly dropped off so much.

He makes comments through the day or sends texts if he's working that suggests he will be wanting sex that night but then it gets closer to getting kids to bed and he will start saying how exhausted he is, can't wait to get to sleep or will get into bed and go straight on his phone. He is definitely not cheating, the way we lie in bed I can see what he's doing on his phone, he doesn't hide it from me, leaves his phone on charge downstairs if he's putting the kids to bed, his job doesn't allow him to leave for lunch so no chance of lunchtime meetings.

He bought me some sexy underwear at Xmas and I also told him I had bought some, showed him where I put them and told him he could pick out a set and leave it on the bed whenever he wanted me to wear it and he hasn't even so much as looked at it since.

I honestly dont know what to the issue is, iv tried initiating a couple of times recently and he just hasn't seemed all that interested, especially the last time a few weeks ago, he had been making comments all day so we got to bed, he picked up his phone as usual but I decided to initiate anyway, he made lots of comments about a sore leg so I moved away a bit and put the TV on and now I don't really want to I initiate again for fear of rejection as clearly even when he says he's in the mood he isn't.

He has made comments that I don't kiss him as much anymore and I know that's true but I'm pulling away from him cause I feel we are falling apart in a way so it's kind of a defence mechanism if that makes sense, but I feel this is trapping us in a cycle of him feeling I'm not kissing/cuddling him enough so doesn't want sex and I feel he doesn't want sex so I'm not wanting to get close to him so where will it end, how do we get out of this cycle?
I still fancy him and love him, yeah I feel he could help out more with kids, housework but there are no major problems that I can see other than lack of sex, I'm only late 20's and he's early 30's and if this is what sex is like just now what will it be like in 5 years never mind more than that.

we had a date night a couple of months ago and he just seemed totally uninterested, I got all dressed up, put on some of my new underwear and told him I was wearing it but when we got home he said he had a sore head and went to bed so again I don't really want to just surprise him by wearing something incase he rejects me again. It's worse that he makes comments to suggest he's in the mood but then when it comes down to it he makes excuses not to.

How do I bring this up? Iv never been very good at using "I feel" rather than "you do" and really don't want to turn this into a big thing where he feels I'm attacking him.

Birth can affect Men too. It’s a big upheaval. 14 times isn’t nothing either just after having a baby. For a lot of people that is normal or more in the first 6 months.

I’d just give him time and focus on the non sexual touching and hugging.

Does he use porn?

@Littlehouse156, thank you for your reply. I suppose your right it is basically twice a month which is perhaps normal for some people.
I suppose I should have mentioned it always follows the same pattern in that the week I have my period he will try it on at night, I'll say no as I don't like sex during my period he will spend the next few days asking is it finished then when I say yeah we will have sex that night and then again a night or 2 later then that's it for the rest of the month so the issue for me I suppose is that we are going 3 weeks at a time with nothing.
But I agree I should try to focus more on the non sexual side of things and see if that helps me feel more connected to him.

@offjoseph thank you, I did consider he may be watching porn and initially discounted this as I'm still on mat leave so he is rarely in the house alone but thinking about it again we did have an issue with porn about a year into the relationship and things are similar now except last time he wasn't interested in sex with me at all, there were no comments or anything he just totally withdrew from me. I told him then that I don't really have any issue with porn as long as it doesn't mean he isn't showing me any interest so i suppose he could be watching porn and making all the comments so he can say he is still showing an interest in me. Although other than the lack of sex iv seen no signs he is watching porn but definitely something to think about/discuss with him, though again I don't really want to go into the conversation and "accuse" him of watching porn as last time even though he was he got definsive about it so need to think how I can bring it up without making it a big issue.

I think it’s clear from that that he is scared of you getting pregnant again.

He’s terrified of any more kids. Tell him to get a vasectomy and/or you could get tubes tied

Sorry op, if porn previously affected his attraction towards you and his libido, it's a very good indication he's got an addiction. I'd be very surprised he gave it up, just read all the other threads here and the men that come on saying that they never give it up because they see it as your problem, not theirs, and just hide it better.

Sounds like he's hiding it better and has learned to pretend he's interested to not spike your suspicions.

@Littlehouse156, @Ihatehashtags that is actually quite a good point, I hadn't actually connected that, we are using condoms at the minute as I have been on the pill basically my whole adult life so he suggested I took a break for a while but he did mention me going back on it recently, though he knows I fell pregnant on the pill with my first so not sure why he thinks that's necessarily going to help (although in all honestly I have admitted I was young and stupid and probably didn't always take it on time).

@offjoseph I agree that could be an issue too and he has got better at hiding it though he knows I dont mind it too much unless it's affecting our relationship, I don't expect sex all the time, I'm exhausted too but I do need sex more than twice a month to feel close to him.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can bring up these suggestions without him feeling I'm accusing him of anything?

It's a really difficult one. If it is an addiction he won't want you to find out about it, he'll be protecting it at all costs, until he faces it's causing problems within your relationship, which it is, otherwise you wouldn't be here. He's unlikely to readily admit its a problem and will play it down, so unfortunately you'll have to find out for yourself if it's serious usage or not.

Personally if he's managing to wank to porn in favour of sex with you, then it's a real problem.

And surely if he was terrified of more children he'd just say we need to up protection instead of blaming his lack of interest on a sore leg?

@offjoseph thank you, not sure how I could find out but will try to keep an eye on things and see if I can figure anything out then I suppose I will have to sit down and have a conversation with him at the weekend once the kids are settled.

I agree if it is about not wanting more kids then there are obviously ways we can deal with that and he's going about it in a strange way but it does perhaps make a bit of sense since he only wants sex during or directly after my period.

The more i think about it the more I think porn could be the issue again though as I say I don't actually have a problem with him watching it but I do have a problem with him choosing that over me.

FFS, not every man with a low libido has an addiction to porn...

OP, talk to your DP, it could be that he's exhausted, it could be that he's scared of having more children, but until you ask, you won't know. Sit down and talk it out 😊

I'd be more inclined to suspect he's a chubby chaser. (HIGH FIVE!)

You're now at a lower weight than any time since you met him, if I'm reading your OP correctly?

@FuriousVexation haha, I know he does prefer slightly bigger girls but I was smaller at the start of our relationship than I am now though still nearer the top end of my bmi, also the problems started before I started losing weight, the lack of sex was kind of the push I needed to actually make some changes as I thought maybe if I felt more confident about myself it would help but so far isn't making any difference, though I do feel better about myself.
@SomewhereInbetween1 thanks, I'm definitely going to make time to speak to him this weekend, might not specifically mention porn though depending on what he says though it has been an issue in the past.

There are a trillion men in this position and I think the general advice is “ suck it up” - you’ve got a new baby he’s allowed to be tired. All these attempts are pressuring... back off. Etc etc.

@Divebar all which attempts are pressuring him? I have tried initiating it twice in the last 3 months, on the back of his comments throughout the day and as for wearing the underwear on our date night, that had been suggested by him when he bought the underwear, I really don't see how that's pressuring him?

I didnt say he's not allowed to be tired, I actually said we both are but my issue is why make comments all day most days and then not act on them at the end of the day, I don't know where I stand, if there is an issue or not.
None of this is about pressuring him, I asked for advice on how to discuss it without it coming across as attacking or pressuring him.

@Namechange468. I can’t tell if you’re pressuring or not OP - it’s hard to tell. My point was actually if this had been posted by a man he would have had a different response and I doubt it would have been universally supportive. For what it’s worth people are allowed to want sex and people are allowed to not want it ,and it’s a shame when there’s a mismatch. Once a fortnight does not seem bad to me on the whole - considering I am in a long standing sexless marriage.

@Divebar sorry just read your message again and can see you didn't mean it the way iv took it. Yeah your right I suppose that would be the replies if I were a man.
I suppose that's what worries me, we aren't married yet, no reals plans but hopefully in the next year or 2, and I love him and I want to marry him and have everything we've talked about but would I still want that if I'm signing up to a life of never or rarely having sex again, probably not.
That's why iv asked for advice on how to broach the subject gently without it coming across as him feeling pressured, if it's just a blip because he's tired, stressed or whatever fine we can take a break from that side of things but if this is the way it's going to be forever then I'm not sure I can live with that, as you say the advice to men is generally put up with it or leave. I suppose I won't know until I speak to him, thank you for your reply.