How did you heal yourself?

[Misty9]

Separated from H 3 months ago but marriage was dead for a long time before that. Since then I've had two occasions of meeting someone and then them changing their mind about meeting up again. And it has highlighted my anxieties about being wanted and lovable. I was rejected and emotionally neglected for a long time in my marriage and know I need to work on loving myself for a while - but how? How did you heal yourself after a separation? How did you learn to love - or at least like - yourself?

Part one was recognising and allowing my needs by ending the marriage. Part two I'm a bit more stuck on...

Good question. I found not making compromises to keep people or how I wanted to be treated helped a lot. When you only surround yourself with people who give you respect you respect yourself more in turn

Creating things has helped me too - art, crafts, baking, that sort of thing

A makeover? For yourself - not for men! a few wardrobe tweaks, new lippy/nail colour/ hairstyle?

Far too early for you to be seeing anyone . You need to get settled in your new life - create a new routine . I don't know if you have work or children. You could start at home by making a few simple changes to your house ( yeah it sounds corny but it works) . Perhaps volunteer at something . That's what I did and it opened up a whole new world to me . Time is the ultimate healer x

I think Clementine makes a good point; surround yourself with people who think you're great.

I'm currently going through a marriage break up and am feeling rather rejected and rubbish about myself. But one good thing is realising I have good friends who, for some reason, actually WANT to spend time with me.

So I'm actively seeking out their company (I'm normally a bit of an introvert).

Misty, I've read some of one of your other threads. Things will get better, hang on in there. You've been incredibly brave taking the first step to a happier life.

Thank you all. Yes it is far too early to be seeing anyone but I appear to have fallen back into my old pattern of seeking validation through male interest. Hence trying to figure out how to do this myself.

I have children and work but I moved out of the family home and am not very happy with my new place (dark, small) so that doesn't help.

I think hiding my phone might help! @spacewoman99 thank you- god i do go on don't I...

Misty no you don't go on. You're a bit of a role model to me actually . You've been so brave, and dignified.

I'm not as far on in the process as you; DH isnt moving out for another 10 days. But I will be sharing the parenting with my exDH, including my DS who has SEN so rather challenging too...

I can't imagine opening myself up to further rejection through dating though, it's like you're ripping the plaster off again and again.

You've got this.

I split from my ex last October and all I can say is be a friend to yourself as well as surrounding yourself with people who are friends to you. How would you help a friend through this?

I had to leave my ex with minimal support from my immediate family (NC with parents) except from my brother and aunt. But I have a great circle of friends who rallied around me. I've slowly started to enjoy life again, crafting and taking up new exercise classes etc. I consider my circle of friends to be my family and it has helped enormously.

I made the conscious decision to NOT look for another relationship as I don't think I'd be in this position now if I hadn't rushed into another relationship (with the recent ex) after my marriage breakup 11 years ago. When I look back I wish I had did what I am doing now and focused on myself rather than looking for a man to validate who I was. I feel I wasted a whole proportion of my life on him. Also I have my teenage DD to think about as I wanted to concentrate on getting her through exams.

I also attended counselling last year which helped me feel a lot stronger when the relationship ended. I feel much more my own person now, more than I ever have in my life. My confidence is a lot higher and I'm afraid any man coming into my life will have to be exceptional to deserve my attention.

You will get there in time, but please don't make the same mistake as I did in the past and look for another man at such an early stage. I truly regret it and would say to anyone fresh out of a relationship to take a year or two out and look after yourself.

Left my marriage 5 years ago at 35, 3 children who were 5, 6 and 7 at the time. Life revolved around them but I was unhappy. Wondered where my life had gone, what about my hopes and dreams before I became a mum. I had wanted to be a singer so I went back to singing and it felt great, still does.

Try and find the things that make YOU happy.

@spacewoman99 thank you again - reading that made me cry (in a good way) so I had to go and hide in the work toilet for a bit... good luck and I'm here if you want to chat I think I'd be finding this whole process a lot easier if ds didn't have extra needs.

@Myheartbelongsto - and how are the dc now? Did they adjust and cope? One of mine isn't coping and I need to focus on supporting him really. Glad to hear you're happier.

Hobbies.
Friends.
Family.

If your marriage has been long then 3 months is no time at all.
I didn't start to feel like myself for a year!
Give yourself time.
Re-discover yourself.
What you like.
What you want.
Enjoy being single and man free.
New look.
New clothes.
Every little helps!

@Pinkmonkeybird thank you for sharing your story and I agree about not looking for anything too soon. I feel I did that with my marriage - he didn't run away so I took that as enough and it was enough validation...for a while.

It's the loneliness which is hard. It's crippling sometimes...

@Pinkmonkeybird thank you for sharing your story and I agree about not looking for anything too soon. I feel I did that with my marriage - he didn't run away so I took that as enough and it was enough validation...for a while.

It's the loneliness which is hard. It's crippling sometimes...

Argh stupid website!

Therapy and lots of it. But also giving myself time to focus on myself and trying to love myself first as clichéd as that sounds.

You need to learn to love and value yourself. Stop looking for a man to validate you. You really need to stay single, seriously.

I'd suggest counselling as well to work on self esteem.

OP I'm sorry you're finding this so hard.

When you dip into that loneliness, what does it feel like? What emotions are brought up? I;'m sure you can fix these without having to take a chance on another tosser.

Two years on here and it does get better (but I am having to live it to believe that).

Counselling
Going very easy on yourself. Forgive yourself.
Be around people who make you feel good
Working out what makes you happy. Sometime it’s a new look, sometimes it’s wearing joggers for days in a row.
For me, making the house mine by (very slowly) redecorating is helping hugely but that could be an effect of time passed and the fact that the house really needed work.

@misty9 my children are now 11 and two are 12, and my two girls cope great, but my eldest, a boy is not coping at all.

Was actually crying his eyes out about his father just last night and asking why doesn't he want him. I hate that cunt with a passion. He hasn't seen his kids since 2014.

I found the usual ‘getting over one by getting under another’ thing did work and the new man and I were together 18 months. THSTBREAK UP was hard though because (I think) I hadn’t dealt with the previous one properly. It was very good for my ego though and he was a lot of fun - in bed and out. However the ONS’s I had after we split up really were fun at the time, but not good for me emotionally (one of them , when pushed, actually said he preferred his sexual partners lighter as he liked to lift them more). I was slreadybsdlf conscious about my weight ALL 8 stone of it 🙄 (it’s a weight I’d die for now). Funnily enough it hadn’t seemed to bother him for hours the night before or again the next morning.... puddle tosser. But I don’t regret them either. I enjoyed being single after being in a long term relationship then being with P for 18 months.

Obviously the sensible advice is to be single and do things that make YOU happy. Make your new house YOURS - if you’re renting just ask the landlord about changes you want to make - they might even help or buy the paintb etc. Make it somewhere you enjoy being and having friends over.

Other than that it’s time

You’ll get there 🌷

I agree with others 3 months is too early op. Just focus on you, your interests, friends family etc. It's taken me a year after a terrible break up to start to feel okay. It takes time.

I totally agree that 3 months is too early - I just want some reassurance I think and if i meet someone I like then I wear my heart on my sleeve and get over invested... sad i know.

What do I get if I dip into the loneliness? The fear of being unlovable...

How did people feel when they weren't ok? I've been silently crying on and off at work today and just feel this heavy weight. And I keep neglecting myself...

Lots of counselling and doing things I had wanted to for years. Surrounding myself with people who made me happy and loved me but at the same time didn't let me wallow. Journalling, spending time by myself and with my kids. Being nice to myself. Recognising my part int he breakdown of the marriage and letting it go

How did people feel when they weren't ok

A mixture of things.

Mostly sad, disappointed he didn’t value our relationship and all we had been through more. Confused as he kept telling me how sad HE was and crying, but still thought we were doing the right thing

Occasionally angry - but at the situation, nitbhim. I found it impossible to be angry with him.

Exhausted. Totally & utterly exhausted

A tiny little bit excited and my new user name (on another forum) reflected that ‘free ToBeMeNow’

It’s shit but you will get through it

How did people feel when they weren't ok

Pissed off. In fact, consumed with rage. That he had wasted 4 years of my life and energy. That I had made so many fucking compromises for him and he had made so few for me. That I had poured so much effort into getting to know his family and friends (something I find very difficult as I have social anxiety.) That I had "loaned" him several thousand pounds which I was never going to see again.

The first few weeks I woke up in the night grinding my teeth, with the anger raving in my bones. I would lie there clenching my fists, imagining ever more obscure revenge scenarios.

After 2 months I emailed him implying that if he didn't make arrangements to start paying me back, I would have a curse put on him. Of course I had no intention of doing so (it's bad juju) but he was very superstitious and I loved the idea of him being his usual stupid self having bad luck and going "Oh noooo, it's Furiosa's curse! I never should have crossed her!"

Anyway he replied a couple of days later to say he was in hospital following a (non life-threatening, non-life changing) accident. An accident which, BTW, even after we split I had tried to prevent happening (don't want to out myself but basically he wasn't using medically prescribed equipment as he didn't want to look like "a cripple" (his words) to his new woman.)

My anger just melted away as I wallowed in the satisfaction of karma delivered right here, right now.