I think I may be messing up the best relationship I've ever had.

[Aryaneedle]

I've been with my boyfriend since beginning of December and it has been brilliant. We communicate well, loads of common interests, we go out a lot, he gets on well with my dc, he is kind, calm, generous, attractive, intelligent and good in bed etc.

The problem really, genuinely is me. I've been in two abusive relationships. One was very violent (think lots of broken bones, awful control and marital rape) and the other was very emotionally and financially abusive. I was also abused from age of 5 then raped continuously by a family member as an 11-12 year old so my self esteem and general attitude to sex is complicated to say the least. I have a long term gynaecological condition and yesterday the dr found a lump on my cervix and has referred me to be tested for cervical cancer, as with my new bf I'm bleeding a lot after sex.

So, last night we attempted to have sex and it was clear bf wasn't in the mood. Most probably because he's worried I might have cancer. A normal, non fucked up person would have gone to sleep. Not me. I felt rejected. I feel defective & that I'm unattractive. I told him that maybe we aren't suited and that being in the relationship is upsetting me as my self esteem is making me doubt his feelings for me. He has left this morning looking very unhappy. Why did I do that? WTAF is wrong with me? I've done the feeedom project. I've had psychotherapy with rape crisis. But the trauma creeps up on me in the most ridiculous ways and I've probably ruined the best relationship I've ever been in! Has anyone had any similar experiences? Any advice? Or maybe I just need you all to tell me I'm clearly a twat and to get a grip.

What's happened to you sounds terrible and I'm sorry you've had to go through all those things.

Maybe you are not ready for a relationship, maybe you need to work on you first and have more therapy or at least have some therapy that can help you deal with these emotions that arise, so that you can control them and rationales them.

It's unfair to project all the bad feelings you have onto your bf. It's very early in the relationship too and is a lot for another person to deal with.

It sound like this sort of thing will be reoccurring. Have certain feelings arising in the last 3 months and have you said or done anything else like this?

Im not saying you shouldn't date but your issues could end up messing another person up because of how insecure and unsafe you might be feeling.

How much therapy have you had, because from what you've mentioned it sounds like you might need quite a lot or at least on going amounts. I feel for you because you have had a lot of trauma in your life.

I've had CBT, treatment for an eating disorder and clinical depression, psychotherapy with rape crisis and counselling from a domestic abuse service. And support from an ISVA through the police investigation and court case. I was single for a while before I met him. I thought I was ready. I thought I had sorted my head out re sex but obviously not.

You are right. I'm too fucked up to be in a relationship. It is a lot for someone to deal with and especially if I am ill he shouldn't have to deal with all this so early on. Both my ex's said that I fucked them up due to the trauma I've been through and it was too much to deal with and turned them into abusers. Another one bites the dust

Your story resonates with me OP. I have a similar attitude to relationships and am currently with my BF for just over a year, although we have known each other for a very long time and had failed attempts to be together in the past.

I have similar experiences but not much advice Im afraid.

I think the feelings of chronic and crippling low self esteem contribute to my not really being happy in a relationship. I always blame myself for difficulties between us and often find myself literally frozen and unable to express myself genuinely because I am fearful of doing or saying the wrong thing and being rejected, judged and deemed not good enough, or provoking an argument, even though my bf is very mild mannered and caring and tries to be understanding.

I had a lot of emotional neglect in my childhood from both parents and I find it very hard to make and sustain relationships. I was also in an abusive relationship with my sons father. I constantly judge myself and think I should end my relationship as I am not good enough to sustain it/cannot be myself through fear. I have had a lot of therapy over the years but still struggle.

I’m really sorry to hear what you have been through. But your exs blaming you for their behaviour? NO way so get that thought out of your mind at once!!!

Perhaps you are not ready for relationship, but new bf sounds lovely. Perhaps a fear of loosing him makes you push him away? He was being kind re sex and not wanting to make you feel discomfort. Perhaps a big cuddle would have been better instead. Dont sabotage it.

I would talk to him and try and explain why you behaved that way and take things slowly in future.

Wishing you all the best x

myidentity we sound very similar. I have done so much to try improve that 'chronic and crippling' low swell esteem. I've got a masters. I've brought up 3 amazing children pretty much single handed. I've tried losing weight. Dressing differently. Being sociable. But there's always that underlying fear that I'm a bad person who is faking it. I struggle so much to feel any joy or happiness and that compounds the feeling that I'm just broken. There's nothing and nobody who can fix that.

I'm sorry you've been through so much and you're struggling now

"Both my ex's said that I fucked them up due to the trauma I've been through and it was too much to deal with and turned them into abusers."
This is complete and utter bullshit. Right out of the abuser handbook. They are responsible for their own appalling actions and behaviour.

I advise you to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and contact NAPAC. IMO you need some kind of long-term therapy to address your childhood trauma.

I don't think you turned them into abusers. Don't blame yourself on that one.

I don't know what anxieties crop up in any relationships you have. Some times it is hard to separate what is your shit and what is theirs. You being in a relationship the way you feel will make you feel even more vulnerable.

If you’ve ruined it through one comment, it weren’t that great to start with.

@Aryaneedle sorry I had to go to work.
I totally get what you say about feeling like a fraud. A lot of my day to day anxiety (at work for example) lies around people finding out that I am not the capable calm person that they take me for. But for me this really takes hold/matters in my relationship: in that context I find that I revert to a basic ‘freeze’ reaction which is to hide myself and shut down in case my BF discovers that I am unlovable. This inevitably results in my exploding and asserting myself inappropriately because I have been suppressing my needs and wishes in order to preserve the status quo.
When put like that it sounds ridiculous and doomed to failure.

Perhaps you are struggling to believe a kind and decent man wants to be with you?

Also, you did not turn anyone into an abuser - they can get that straight from now

@Windmillwhirl yes I think that is it. Is for me anyway.

I suggest you go back to therapy and explore this more. You absolutely deserve kindness and love. Xx

You cannot hide the experiences you have had from him, it will still seep out and cause damage. Be honest and if he's scared off by your pain or by not knowing what to do etc. then it will end, but you will have been honest. Tell him you will seek help and really look into this, manage your own expectations as there is no easy and quick fix.
I hope it works out for you.