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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A Salutory Lesson for anyone whos asked "Why does he..."

7 replies

BlackberryBeret · 17/06/2019 23:15

This is a conversation from Made in Chelsea but says so much:

[Context is girl thought she was dating a man exclusively but turned out he was seeing another girl]

Girl: I like you so why do you keep stringing me along.
Man: Because it's easy.

To put it another way - because he can.
To put it a further way - because you let him.

Totally been there myself but brutal to hear a man say it directly to a woman whose asking.

OP posts:
Piggle23 · 17/06/2019 23:21

Oh nice, thanks, my fault that someone else is a shit.

hellodarkness · 18/06/2019 05:51

Well it's your fault if you allow him to be a shit to you.

toomuchtooold · 18/06/2019 06:04

He might as well have said "because I'm a dick". Lots of people have opportunities to chest and don't; lots of people never check up on their partners and yet they still don't cheat.

Shoxfordian · 18/06/2019 07:49

Its true
Some people will treat you badly because they can.

Fromablokespoint · 18/06/2019 10:26

To put it another way - because he can.
To put it a further way - because you let him.

Or maybe because he is a complete twat. You do not "allow" someone to treat you badly, they will anyway if they are that way inclined.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/06/2019 10:31

You do not "allow" someone to treat you badly, they will anyway if they are that way inclined
Of course you do.
You can walk away.
If you allow it to continue and you allow yourself to be treated like shit, then surely that is on you!?
We've all been there.
Hopefully we have all learnt something.
If he is a complete twat then you shouldn't be with him.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/06/2019 10:42

Oh nice, thanks, my fault that someone else is a shit.

No. Not at all.

It's a really good point to make.

How many threads on here are basically pages and pages and pages of some poor woman disappearing up her own backside trying to find out WHY HE DID THIS TO ME and WHAT IS HIS DEEP MOTIVATION - is he depressed/scared of commitment/it must be the other woman? - the poor woman recounting the long tearful conversations where CheatyBoy weeps out his excuses and she's there going oh yes it must be x,y,z because the thing is HE LOVES ME and so there must be this amazing reason, it was all a terrible mistake/somehow he didn't realise what he was getting into when his penis slipped into Brenda from the sandwich shop you see...

And nine times out of ten the actual answer to it all is that he cheated because he could, it was fun and easy and he simply didn't/doesn't care about you or respect you enough not to. The end.

And that's what that comment sums up so well. That the trap people on here so often fall into is assuming that the cheater roughly has the same depth of feeling they do. They'd never cheat, or if they did, it'd be a huge thing. So cheater must be on the same wavelength - I mean, he's my loving partner blah blah.

No.

Nine times out of ten, if someone cheats on you, it's because they don't care about you or respect you enough not to. Nothing to do with you - all them. And thus the sensible thing is to dump them, because they will, of course, probably do it again, and even if they don't, you now know the core of it - they don't really give a shit about you. Well, not enough to come above a quick fuck.

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