Anyone else had a baby with zero support from family and the father of the baby?

[Emmiess]

Anyone else done this alone? I am 40 years and this is my first child. I was in a short term relationship with a man who split up with me three times over a short period (Valentine’s Day and on my 40th Birthday to name two of the dates!). At some stage I fell pregnant by him and I am currently 12 weeks in. He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. Fine. I was expecting it.
But another blow came today when parents told me to abort the baby and that I’m never allowed to go home again, not even for a visit if I have this child. I live about an 8 hour drive away from them and it’s always me that goes to see them. But yet another rejection from them still really hurts.
I will be doing this on my own with no support network and next to no money. I’m scared, but I want this baby. I’m trying not to get too upset because I don’t want to harm the baby, but I’m so hurt. Any advice?

That sounds really hard. I have no advice but didn't want to leave unanswered. Moving to relationships may help, you can report your OP and ask mumsnet to move

I'm so sorry, op. Hopefully your parents will come around to the idea, especially when the baby is here. Whether you can forgive them is up to you. Do you have any siblings or close friends that can offer moral support, if nothing else?

I was sixteen when I had my eldest. My family completely disowned me and the man was not there at all. I got a full time job, put baby in nursery, commuted with baby for two hours each day on public transport. It sounds flippant to say you do what you have to do, but it’s not - it’s just a simple truth. My eldest is now an adult, a highly qualified professional and an amazing person - I am so, so, so full of love for them and admiration for myself and other women who just get on and do the best we can. You can be an amazing Mum, you’ve been given such a blessing...if others don’t view your child as such they don’t deserve you.

I am alone with 4 as my ex is absent. So yes it can be done. My advice is don’t expect him to come around as mine hasn’t. Just know you will probably be doing it alone.

That's a harsh reaction given you are adult living away from home. Are they not happy as feel you can't provide financially for a child or religious so not being married is an issue for them? Is there a chance they could come round?

Congratulation op! I sense from your post deep down you do want this baby....forget the hurt caused by your parents they are being utterly ridiculous. He/she will be their grandchild!

Do you work? have a secure home? focus on these things first then, friends who can you draw on for support?

I have at times, albeit a bit different as my family are great but live in a different country. It'll be very hard but also very rewarding. I've never regretted it though there have been times where I've been hanging on to my sanity by my fingertips! Have you got a local network of friends? Can you afford childcare while you work?

What an odd reaction from them given you're mature and independent! Are they always so odd?

Yes you can do it on your own.

If your parents live 8 hours away they would be able to offer little to no practical support and emotional support from a distance even if they'd gushed over your news. The reaction of your parents seems strange in this day and age but nevertheless that is how they've chosen to react and they'll have to live with the consequences of their choice.
You've said you want this baby and as with a pp where there's will there's a way and you'll find yours. As I type this post my 13 week old DD is snoozing beside me and whilst my situation is different to yours I can't think of any circumstances were I'd regret her existence.

Why are your parents being so weird about it considering you are 40? If you were a teenager I could perhaps understand this knee jerk reaction but that’s really bizarre. Are they normally so strange about things? You can definitely do this alone. I suggest you sign up for groups like NCT and start building a support network. Check out the app called Meetup and search single parent groups in your area. Depending on finances, you could book yourself help (doula, weekly cleaner, weekly babysitter, au pair, night nanny) loads of things you can do

No help (including financial) until very recently when my baby’s father decided to contact me (she is now 4 and a half). He is now offering financial support (at the basic rate) at least. It was emotionally and physically draining for me raising her alone but I am incredibly proud of her and she’s doing just fine. Having pushed through the graft of proving myself at work when she was tiny, it’s all worth it, she and I have a good life and I could happily continue to do it alone even if her dad hadn’t reappeared.

Thank you for all your kind words. Yes, my parents are always quite nasty and weird about things. Oh well... I am definitely financially insecure, to put it mildly, which is perhaps why they feel I will ruin the baby’s life. I am a nursery assistant on £13,000 a year, so maternity will be about £500 a month. I have a 2 bed flat with a small mortgage and no savings. I won’t have the luxury of cleaners, nannies or babysitters. And I can’t afford childcare to go back to work. Goodness knows what I’ll do. But I will hopefully figure it out. Again, thank you all for responding to my comment. It has meant a lot to me during this rough time.

I’ve done it 3 times. Yes it is very hard but you can do it.

Congratulations x

Yes! DS is now 7 ... his dad has never so much as acknowledged his birth.. in fact our very last conversation was me begging him to accept the pregnancy after 12 week scan.. true to his words he would pass us in the street & not even glance our way.. (I moved counties when DS was 17 months).. he pays CMS through a deduction of earnings court order as he refused to have any dealings with CMS. To my knowledge none of his family nor 3 other children know about my DS. Until I moved away emotionally it was bloody tough, I could take the rejection of me but to reject my beautiful innocent baby ate away at me. The actual practical care of DS alone was the easy part he was a laid back baby, fed & slept well.

I was 38 when DS was born & had 1 DD who was 9... she was a great little helper ( they fight like cat & dog now!!)

Fast forward & things are great now.. I love being a lone parent, DS has not yet asked about his 'dad' too much he seems so far to just accept he doesn't have one.. I realise he will ask one day which I'm dreading as the truth will be hurtful for him. But I'll cross that bridge when we come to it!

The pregnancy came just 4 years after the death of DD's sister who was just short of her 2nd birthday so there was no way my mental health could have survived me terminating DS. I did wonder if it would confuse him with DD still seeing her dad (my ex husband) but he has always referred to him as ####'s dad or by his Christian name.

I won't tell you it will be easy but if you don't want a termination then it will be a lot easier than living with that regret for the rest of your life!

Good luck

Make sure you claim CMS from the baby's Dad. Him wanting nothing to do with the baby does not equal him not paying for the baby.

Talk to your work, can you get a massive staff discount if you go back to work but enroll the baby there??

Claim CMS
claim all benefits you can, which will be ok.
Think about what the government actually offers you in terms of support. You don’t immediately have to go back to work, and actually you might be better off not doing so, as much as much as people might think that’s wrong. If it’s best for you do it.

Fuck what anyone else thinks, you’re 40. Enjoy as much as you can.
40 is still young in this day and age.

Forget about your cunty ex. Build your own support network! And congrats!

OP, firstly congratulations on your baby enjoy every minute of your pregnancy!

Let me tell you, you absolutely CAN do it with no support and a lot of people do.

I did it/am doing it with mine. The father did absolutely nothing and we have no family around for hundreds of miles. We have split now so I’m still doing it alone.

I would recommend making a good network of friends and where I have needed help I did have friends there. But I’m only talking the one or two times here and there. I’ve done everything, every night night feed, every nappy, every tantrum, weaning, food refusal, all the sickness and illness with next to zero help. And I’m still alive now so yes you can!

It’s hard, and it’s tiring but not as awful as it’s made out or as scary as it sounds, it’s actually quite liberating if I’m honest. I didn’t realise how strong I was until I became a mother. And it’s very rewarding as well.

If you live alone you can claim up to 85% of your childcare fees so you should enquire about that, which would enable you to carry in working and you wouldn’t have to pay that much out for childcare.

You’ve got a mortgage so you’re on the property ladder which is amazing. You mentioned you are a nursery nurse, could you ask for a discounted place there for your child when you return to work?

I honestly think you’ve got this OP. Try not to worry too much.

Forget your parents, they sound horrible and your ex does too. You don’t need them. Well done you for standing by your decision to keep your baby

And I second what everyone else has said. I don’t know what are you are in, but in my area it’s universal credit (which is things like tax credits etc) you may be entitled to housing costs help, even with a mortgage, and working tax credits and help with childcare fees on top of this. So please enquire about this, make an appointment at the job centre plus (it’s the job centre which deal with benefits, not the council) but speaking of the council if you live alone you qualify for single persons discount, if you haven’t already done this do it now. I think they reduce your council tax I’ll by 25%

Claim claim claim because that’s what the benefits system is for, people like you who actually need help to stay IN work.

My friend is and was in this position, she did manage to get financial support from the Father but it took years. She was in a better financial position than you but certainly not well off. I didn’t meet her till her DS was about 9. I helped out in a couple of emergencies and have done some other things for her but I worked full time when our dc were little. Her life is incredibly hard but she is still a positive person

Thank you, Thank you, thank you for all your support. You've made me cry, but also feel deeply empowered but some of your stories. The problem I face is (one of many!) is that the father already has children and struggles to pay for them, or so he says. But it looks like I may have to go after him for C.S. Although I really don't want to be the person that takes from his kids.

OP if you can do without his CM I would for now. Like I said, you will have a lot of rights to benefits by being a single parent on a low income anyway. You really can do this. So proud of you

Dear Emmiess, such an attempt at blackmail from your family is disgusting. I am very sorry this is happening to you. I had mine at 44 and the best thing I have ever done. Don't regret one minute. Don't let them spoil this for you. It will be a very special time for you and when you finally see your babe it is all consuming. Tough but sooooo worth it.
I wish you both the best.

I'm doing it on my own. DS's dad lives in another country. No family support due to elderly parents/illness. I don't go out unless to child-friendly events/places and don't have any help but my son is the best thing that ever happened to me. It's so hard but so rewarding.

Parents are starting to come round a little, but it's snail pace. They said their reaction was born out of worry. Hmmm. The father is in yet another relationship. I figured out he has a pattern. He dates girls for about 3 months, makes them believe they are in this modern day love story then when they demonstrate serious affection for him he's on to the next. He lines them up. I've been observing his behaviour since we spilt. Sometimes not even a whole week passes before he moves onto the next. My poor baby. That's its dad. What a loser.

@Emmiess, I would totally ignore the father of the baby now. You’ve made your mind up to keep the baby so don’t welcome any undue pressure from him regarding abortion. I think your parents will come around. I take it this is your first baby? If so then at 40 this may be your only chance to have a baby regardless of circumstances you came to be pregnant. You would get enough in benefits to cover your mortgage and outgoings I would think. Also your employers will hopefully offer you a discounted rate if you were to go back to work and send your child to nursery at your place of work. You could also take up childminding if you wanted to or a live out nanny with the deal that you bring your own child in order to care for theirs. I am sure it will all work out!