So...I've posted a few times on other people's threads, but I think I need to start my own. I'm fully expecting to be completely flamed, so don't hold back if you want to tell me I'm a horrible person.
I've been with my partner for 12 years. For various reasons related to jobs, after the first few years of living together in the same place, we've since lived apart, in increasingly distance towns. We're now a 4 hour drive from each other. He's freelance, so we do see each other more than just at weekends, but not always, and we can go a while without seeing each other.
This distance is starting to wear on me, has been for about 2 years really, and I feel like there is a wedge between us. i realised it recently when he was away for work, called me, and I didn't want to answer the phone. I just couldn't be bothered...isn't that awful?! And I realised after that, that i've been making excuses not to go down to see him at various weekends. I've been saying it's because I had work to do, but actually, i've quite enjoyed the weekend on my own.
We've also been TTC for the last 18 months, without much joy - partly to do with the distance and missing the right moment, as it were, but also because I have some pre-existing diagnoses which meant it was always going to be hard. I had after about a year of trying, and then nothing since. at the time of the positive test, I was so happy - and I was devastated when I lost it. But since then, I've been having real doubts about whether I actually want children. If i'm honest, I've always been less sure than him, but I was sort of...if it happens it happens kind of mindset. Now we look like we're going for fertility treatment, and I'm not sure I want to put myself through that, and I'm actually really not sure anymore if i want children at all. I haven't told him any of this yet.
Now, before you feel too sorry for me, here's where it gets morally dubious. I have also recently cheated on him. typical, cliched story of growing too close to a colleague. this, combined with everything else going on, has made me doubt the security of my relationship entirely. I said somewhere else that i feel a little bit like we are just really good friends, that have quite efficient sex sometimes. I feel like our relationship lacks intimacy in other ways - but then he's aways been like that, never one for kisses or cuddles really unless it's leading somewhere. It's always been a sticking point for me.
My colleague is in an open relationship, so morally on his side of things, he's not really doing anything wrong. I can't get him out of my head. and this is my problem. I can't work out if it really is 'over' with my OH, or if it's just that my brain is so occupied by this other guy, that I can't separate out my feelings, which are all so confused by how I feel about TTC. I haven't felt real 'desire' for my OH for a while...but then, that happens, right? It just does, in a long term relationship, and it's not fair to compare that to how I feel about some stupid dalliance, which has the illicitness of an affair. Of course that feels more urgent. I feel an affection and I think what is love for my OH. He makes me laugh, he's generally there for me, I think he's awesome in so many ways. But I feel like we've become distant, emotionally, over the last year especially. I did try to talk to him about this recently, and it's obvious to me that he's trying - but he's trying with regards to our sex life, which isn't really where the problem was, for me.
I know there are some people who will tell me that just cheating means I don't love my OH, and I should leave him. But I feel more confused by that...how do you know when it's over in a LTR? That passion can't last forever, I know that it gets replaced by something gentler and more secure. I've made this argument to 100s of people over the years when talking about my own relationship. I thought, originally, that this was just a mad moment...but my brain is so occupied, and one mad moment became two, and then the verge of an actual affair (which it hasn't...i've stopped things). Which I also know is stupid - he has a primary partner, that he loves. this isn't going anywhere (and anyway, i don't think i'd actually WANT to be in a relationship with him)...and i'm not 'in love' with him, i'm just intoxicated by it. it's stupid, and ridiculous, and I'm being stupid and ridiculous and pathetic. I said on someone else's thread that I've been tempted before - but I've never acted on it. But now i'm wondering if that's just because the other guys didn't make a move. maybe i would have done. anyway...that's hard to know.
So...I know that to work this out, I need to cut the other guy out and go NC - which i've done. but i'm still so confused...how do you know when it's over, when nothing really seems that bad?