Divorce worries - cannot settle the finances

[constantworry1]

Hi all

I've name changed for this just to be safe, but have been on MN for 15 years. Just want to hide from my STBXH.

Three years ago my marriage ended abruptly, and very very long story short, he was arrested for assaulting me in front of our children. It had not been a violent relationship until then, but he is (in my opinion) a full-blown narcissist and the emotional and financial abuse was prevelant throughout our marriage. I have had no direct contact with him since the arrest and all communications have gone through our lawyers.

He took me to court to try to gain more contact with the children than I was allowing (at this time I was still living in fear of him and frankly could not trust him around the kids - all contact was when his parents or other family were present). He ended up being awarded a few hours contact every other weekend, - much less than I was letting him have! which he doesn't even stick to. However, in the eyes of the court the childcare side of things is sorted out.

The issue I have is this; when we were purchasing the matrimonial home his dad gifted us a fairly large amount of money. This was understood to be part of my ex's inheritance and was put directly into the (joint) mortgage. I was very wary of accepting this money, felt it was far too much, and repeatedly stated that we should be buying within our means and not taking money from his parents in order to afford a dearer house. I was constantly told to stop being so stupid, the money was all one pot and it was to benefit the DC ultimately. As it turned out, ex viewed and put an offer in on the house without my knowledge. He informed me over the phone that the offer had been accepted - I had literally no say in the matter. I'm aware this makes me sound like a pathetic fool, but I was dealing with a bully. Nothing I ever said ever made any difference.

As soon as our relationship broke down, ex started SCREAMING at me that the money his dad gave us would need to be paid back, as it was a loan. He has lied about this over and over, he had his dad sign an affidavit stating it was a loan and there were plans in place for it to be paid back depending on ex's career promotions (ie once he was earning a certain salary he would start paying back). All absolute lies. My lawyer has asked him to produce the loan agreement which surely I would have signed - obviously it doesn't exist. I also went through all my emails from him and found two in which he states 'my parents GAVE us that money'.

I understand why he wants it back, I really do. If the money had been a loan, I would have agreed from the start to giving it back. If we didn't have DC I would be walking away and washing my hands of him completely. However, we do have three children and by him demanding this money is returned he will be severely limiting my options of where I can afford to live, and it's looking likely I'd have to make the DC change schools.

He came to me with a laughable settlement offer which involved him 'buying me out' to the tune of about £50k and 'allowing' me to remain in the house for and paying him rent. Nope. I need to be absolutely free of his control and under no circumstances would remain in this house.

Does anyone have any experience of how this is likely to be viewed by the court? Our divorce hearing is very soon and I'm worried sick. My lawyer is being very pessimistic.

When you bought the house your lender would have asked for confirmation of whether it was a gift or a loan. He and you would have to declare it was one or the other. That should be easy enough to prove.

As to your settlement it will be a % based on your circumstances. But you should have a clean break from him as your goal.

OP. Get yourself a shot hot lawyer asap. 🌺

Why is your lawyer pessimistic?
I have no experience in this but maybe you need to look into a different lawyer?

Yes, just how good is your lawyer. The loan issue is easily resolved if you took out a mortgage and I think it strange he didn’t just ask this.
Your ex cannot claim to have lied on a legal form, the mortgage application, as it is fraud. It would be compounding the issue to now create documents that said they did.

thanks for your replies.

My lawyer is actually excellent, but I have realised that she is aiming to settle out of court rather than rack up the costs of going to court - my legal fees are already through the roof. I explained to her today that he was highly unlikely to settle out of court (as this would be seen by him to have 'lost' if he agrees to my counter settlement offer).

She is emailing my counter settlement today which asks for 50% of marital assets. A clean break is all I want. Currently he pays child maintenance but has always withheld my share of the mortgage payment from this, which leaves me very short. This was his decision and at the time he made it I was in a vulnerable state and thought I had to agree. A clean break means I get to move house and he will have to pay the full amount. I was the SAHM while he lived and worked abroad for months at a time - this was our mutual agreement and allowed him to progress to a high position in his career. He barely came home.

I think I'll contact my mortgage provider to see if they have a definitive answer about the money being a gift. Would that be a good idea?

Lemon is incorrect about the mortgage lender asking for confirmation. As you have already confirmed, it was a gift and not a loan. Even if it had been a loan, it was not secured on the house and didn't have repayment terms so in reality they will not be interested.

I think ultimately the court would be very sceptical about a loan agreement suddenly being produced, especially if it was not drawn up and witnessed by a solicitor. However, as you are alluding to, very few divorce cases go to court due to cost. However, the issue with this is that you either accept a much reduced settlement or if you fight it you probably won't be much worse off, but that totally depends what the likely settlement is. Only your solicitor can give you an idea of that

Mortgage lenders do ask you to provide assurances about gifted deposits to ensure that they are not infact loans. Especially if the money has suddenly appeared.

I realise that this will be unpopular, and I've no idea about the legalities, but I think that the gift should be given back to his parents out of the sale proceeds before the equity is split.

This may mean you getting more than 50% of the equity in order to house yourself and the children adequately.

Morally, his parents gave that money to their son, as his inheritance, and should now get it back. They were stupid not to sort it out properly at the time and that may cost them dearly but I know that, in these circumstances, I'd give it back.

I know that, if I helped my dc to buy a house, it would be extremely vexing to see their partner walk away with half of it on divorce.

Although according to bbc the law is on your side here op.

The money is a matrimonial asset therefore should be shared. It's no different to me bringing £100k into our marriage, it's not taken into account

Stuck - the poster before you has already shown you that is not correct. There is no definitive on this and there is no automatic presumption inheritances are shared. However, in any event this was a gift...and the court can decide depending on the needs of all the parties, especially the children.

Why do you think so many men are now looking for 50/50 sharing. Some is genuine and some disingenuous about finances as it can affect the division of assets.

Any parents that gift money like this in my view are fools as there are ways to safeguard such a "gift". I know of one family that bought both their sons houses (extremely nice ones) and subsequently got divorced. Guess what, both the ex wives got the house and remain living there (complete with new art era) and sons now in rented. Lol.

Guess how much parents rue that decision when they could have made provisions to protect the money, although would have impacted on inheritance tax, but given they are still relatively young it isn't an issue

@hellodarkness Partner AND children! Their grandchildren! She's not walzing carefree into the sunshine with 'their' money. She has the children the vast majority of the time - court decided. He accepted the money and bought the bigger house AGAINST her wishes . He has withheld child maintenance to punish her, and will probably do so again in the future. She is turning to make sure the children's lives are disrupted as little as possible. Morally right to return it my arse.

OP fight this all the way. Inheritance, I believe, stops being considered personal inheritance when it is used for the family - such as helping to buy a family home. It becomes marital assets.

thank you all for your input.

hellodarkness - I appreciate your view and I do actually understand WHY he is so desperate to get the money back. However as Thingsdo says - I am not waltzing carefree into the sunshine! I have 100% custody of the DC. They barely see their dad. He actually told our eldest a few weeks ago that he doesn't intend to give me a penny and doesn't see why I'm not working to provide (I am working). When the money was given I was explicitly told it was to ensure that the DC grew up in a nice house in a nice area and the phrase ''all one pot'' was used over and over.

I gave up my career and followed him around the world to support him (military officer)I was left alone with the DC time and time again and even when he was home he did next to nothing to help with them. He was abusive, unkind and financially controlling. Leaving him is the best thing I have ever done and he is FURIOUS that I had the audacity.

I have to fight for this. He is lying through his teeth.