What do you do when one partner wants to take things slower than the other?

[VillanellePlaysuit]

I have a history of fast paced relationships. I was married and pregnant within a year of meeting exh. The marriage lasted a long time but eventually fell apart. My two subsequent relationships burned brightly very quickly but then also dropped dead very quickly.

I went to see a counsellor who highlighted the mistakes i was making - being drawn into all the very positive things too quickly. He likened it to running to the top of a very high slide, then the inevitable slide on the way down as it all falls apart!

I stayed single for a number of years (6 years) and then decided to dip my toe into dating last year. I met someone and took the counsellor's advice and forced myself to slow it down but it was bloody hard.

I'm now around 11 months into knowing dp - of that 11 months, we've been exclusive for the last 8, so that's probably what you would call our 'relationship'. It's going well - we've been away together, he's just met my dcs (adults), we have future plans but dp likes to take things even slower than I'm forcing myself to do. When we spend a few days together, it's often then 2 weeks till I get to see him again. He has told me he loves me and said he wants to plan a future together. I mentioned how much I was missing him in these longer periods apart and he said 'I really need to take this at my pace'. We talk every few days (not for long) and he messages me every morning and we keep in touch by text/messaging so I can't fault him on that.

because I'm very alert to me rushing things, I'm now not sure if I'm trying to do that here or whether he's really taking the piss with the pace of it. It's all new to me this non high paced relationship!!

You do seem somewhat over-keen. As you're both adults with grown children, I assume you're sorted in most aspects of your life...friends/work etc. And 8 months is not long at all you know.

You need to give it chance to grow.

During the relationship, I learnt that an ex boyfriend of mine met his ex wife, got married, had a child and was divorced within two years.

He ended the relationship with me after 9 months citing his reason as "I thought by now we'd be living together or at least talking about it" and he felt that I wasn't taking him or the relationship seriously and was just 'using' him. I wasn't. I actually loved him very much.

I generally have to be seeing someone for 7 or 8 months before I'll even refer to them as my boyfriend. Ideally, I'd see someone once a week, maybe twice for something special or an extra breakfast/lunch date. Occasionally. If you're seeing each other for a few days and then leaving it for a fortnight, that sounds fine to me. And you do keep in touch otherwise.

I was astonished that this ex boyfriend was thinking in such fast terms!

He's not taking the piss with the pace of it and he's right, he does need to take it as his own pace. But equally, you need a relationship that runs at yours. It might be worth having a serious chat with him to see if a compromise can be reached - such as definitely seeing each other once a week. But your desired pace would be a huge red flag to me.

thanks for your honesty. It's good to know and I understand I have to take it on board. This is the first one where I've made a conscious effort to slow it down and it's going well so far. I just don't want to sabotage it! But because it isn't coming naturally to me, I have to constantly check in with myself if that makes sense.

It makes perfect sense!

I think what you have to keep telling yourself is that your previous fast paced relationships have crashed and burned, whereas you say this time you're making a conscious effort to slow it down and it's going well. Keep reminding yourself of this.

Talk to him about it though. It wouldn't be fair to demand more of his time than he's willing able to give and (having been on the receiving end of that) it's very counter productive. At the same time, you can't be suppressing your own needs in favour of his.

Good luck!

When we spend a few days together, it's often then 2 weeks till I get to see him again.

This does t sound very keen, does it? It’s like he had enough of your company and needs time to start missing you/appreciating you before he’ll ea t to see you again.

You might have been very quick before, but this relationship sounds glacial. And a few texts every day isn’t anything to grow old with, so don’t go thinking that you’re being unreasonable by wanting/expecting more
by this point.

I’d back off. Stop texting every day. Text every other day. Don’t let messaging become a substitute for a real, loving partnership.

well that's my concern - the situation I'm really wary of is falling for his words not his actions and that by me doing this slow down thing, I'm actually missing a trick and he's not that keen on me.

I think that's a good idea re the texting.

Also agree with backing way way off.

Do his actions and words match up?
Are your 2 days together mostly sex and then he toddles off for a couple of weeks?

If you feel you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, you are free to stop being exclusive and date others.

his actions do match his words mostly. The few days are a bit of everything but if there's been a long gap, then sex is normally fairly high up the order but not if we've seen each other more recently.

both of us have genuine reasons why the gap in seeing each other is so long - but I do sometimes get the feeling he needs the space to want to see me again as sodding pointed out. He has already pointed out to me quite pointedly that the one night he could have done, I can't do (it's a work thing) but I could have done any other night and he can't.

I don't want to muck this up as we are very good together. He recently met my friends and they were utterly gobsmacked at how well suited they think we are. And when we were away, people kept addressing us as husband and wife and looking really surprised it was fairly early on in the relationship.

I'm just wary that this is making me behave in a manner where i'm seeming over keen (I'm not strangely, just that these gaps make me feel that way). It's so unlike me to feel insecure, because usually I'm dictating the pace of a relationship and for the first time I'm not!

but you're right re the backing off, I'll do that

The awful thing is that people like this do make us feel insecure and unsettled. And then it’s easy to mistake that nervous uncertainty for love, excitement, etc.

My first DH was always holding me at arm’s length. He’d have needed space if we’d spent the whole weekend together, for example. It always made me feel insecure and needy.

My lovely new DH is the opposite. The more time he spent with me, the more he’d miss me when we were apart.

I’d cut back on the messages, and let him miss you. Don’t feel bad if you’re busy - I think he was a bit snippy for “pointedly” mentioning your ONE busy evening when he had an entire busy week!

So cut back. Be busy, elusive, unpredictable. And keep a diary of every date and all contact so you can see in black and white everything you’re getting from the relationship.

I agree that you need to let him miss you.

If I spend a weekend or a few days with someone, I need space and time to myself afterwards because I have things in my own life that I need to do as well as spend time with another person.

I need to have time to miss someone too. I don't miss them just because I'm not with them. I look forward to seeing them again, but that's not the same. I don't feel any sense of 'loss' that they are not there and I don't feel a 'need' to see them again.

I have to have time to 'feel' that they aren't there.

Also agree with keeping a diary of contact etc. And who initiated it too.

thanks all, that's really useful. I'm busy this week so I'm going to back off.

I think he is just like that secret. He has quite a lot going on in his life and tends to be quite socially busy (he organises a lot of social events plus he plays a very active role in the lives of his (younger than mine) dcs). We are at different life stages but it works as if I had any more demands on my time, we'd have even less time to see each other. At the moment, he organises almost 90% of the times we see each other, mainly because he is the one who is busier - I have a far far busier work life, he has a far busier social life. This is probably why he pointed out that I couldn't make this week as he's not used to it.

I think I've made the mistake of being too available. I will back off and see how it goes and start keeping a diary of dates etc.