This man has made me believe he’s not controlling when he is, is he right??

[monica19]

I am in a relationship with my 3 year old child’s father and not necessarily a happy relationship due to his very ignorant views about life and his need to exert control over most things. I have recently started to vocalise when I don’t agree with him or stand up for myself as I’ve had enough of being a formal shell of myself and just being agreeable to not cause conflict or get him angry but I know in my heart that I’m just teaching our child that it’s okay to be controlled and some of the things he believes are so dangerous to our wellbeing and identity. Last night we had a big argument as he brought up a discussion about women being in relationships and having male friends which he said was wrong and the man has every right to request to not allow her to see that friend. I told him that I thought that was quite controlling and that there is a U.K. law on coercive control in which you can’t control or stop a person from having friends and having a life outside of the relationship and spending time with who they choose to spend time with as it’s controlling. He literally thought I was insane for saying that and said he doesn’t believe in laws made by the government and that the government have no say on what goes on in relationships. I told him that the law was created to stop and help people in controlling or abusive relationships. He said that doesn’t flow with him and dismissed what I had to say and said that what I’m saying is extreme and that all relationships have an element on control and should be controlled in some way. I said I didn’t agree and he said I lack understanding about life. He then proceeded to compare the need DJ control in a relationship to disciplining a child saying we control our child when we tell them what to do. To compare nurturing and teaching a child right from wrong to controlling your partner that you supposedly love I told him control is not love and he just smirked and disregarded me as if I was crazy. I called him delusional and now he’s so angry at me saying I always start arguments and we can’t even have a discussion or debate but this is more than a debate. This is my life everyday with him where my views, opinions are not acknowledged and now I’m starting to question is he right? I feel so lost now at my perceptions or is he just gaslighting me? Please can someone shed some light or clarify if I’m losing my mind?

Look at your thread title again! Your opinion of whether or not he is controlling is the one you should listen to, not his. He is placing himself at the centre of your field of vision so you can't see anything else.
Shove him off to one side and look at a photo of you and your child.

He told you the law is irrelevant, he should control who you are friends with. He only saw that going one way, didn't he. You weren't talking about a mutual arrangement where you ban him from having female friends. He's not even pretending to be nice.

Contact Womens Aid for support, and take the Freedom Programme, you can do it online. Find out what your options are.

You can download these or read them online;

Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
tinyurl.com/GiftoFear

This conversation sounds deliberately goady and provocative on his part. I think I would disengage from any similar discussions, get up and leave the room, have a bath or something. I'm familiar with the smirking, not nice at all.

He's a nasty piece of shit. And as good as it is that you are standing up to him...it isn't good enough. You know about gaslighting and coercive control, you even saw him 'smirk' at you (I wonder have you read up on narcissistic personality disorder?) and you know this isn't the right environment for a child - so it's time to go. He is a bully and bullies cant be talked out of being bullies. He is what he is and he will never change. You developing a mind of your own will only make him more determined to squash your spirit. Get yourself out of there.

give him the "hmmm. yes. whatever you say" don't bother arguing with him.

Not a happy situation at all,and now that you have become stronger,and more open with your views,the situation will most probably anger him more.

Your partner does sound controlling from what you have written on here.

So why are you still with this twat?

' I’ve had enough of being a formal shell of myself and just being agreeable to not cause conflict or get him angry but I know in my heart that I’m just teaching our child that it’s okay to be controlled and some of the things he believes are so dangerous to our wellbeing and identity.'

You've said it right there!

You shouldn't ever be scared to speak up or get your opinion across. This isn't necessarily starting an argument - it's just an adult conversation!

So it’s very clearly time you were gone OP. Don’t waste anymore time trying to explain this man’s behaviour to him. He won’t be convinced, he hasn’t no interest in having his behaviour labelled, he just wants you to do as your told and be a good girl.

Leave. Soon.

OK. Obviously you know you need to leave.

Does this man have dual nationality extending to your child?
Are you married?
Is the "father" on the birth certificate?
Do you live together?
If so, are you joint tenants, or did he move in with you or vice versa? Or do you own? If so, again is it yours or his name on the deeds?
Do you have friends and family who can help you get away?

He's a bully.

Who cares what he thinks?

The answer to this is to not give his pompous bleatings the time of day. What he thinks is irrelevant to how you should run YOUR life - for that, what YOU think is the relevant thing.

Are you happy?
Do you love and respect him?
Do you feel supported, empowered, with someone you feel in tune with?
Do you think he is controlling and treats you inappropriately?

Personally I would drop him like a hot brick, and it sounds as if you think that too.

Bye bye Felipe time!

I think you already know that he's a chauvinist, controlling dickhead.

You won't change him on these things, it's embedded.

His reference to discipling a child gives you an idea of how he thinks - he seems to think in that pre '60s way that a wife is another sort of child/subordinate whom the man decided what's best for, "guides" and controls.

*decides

OP, you are in an abusive relationship and because of his emotional abuse, you are now doubting your own reality. He is gaslighting you by turning your very reasonable request (asking him to stop being controlling) and he turns it back on you to make you feel like you are being unreasonable for even suggesting you are entitled to live without fear or control. I fear because of this you have lost your ability to trust yourself which is why you are asking strangers on the internet for validation. I can tell you 100% he is controlling and abusive and 100% that men like this cannot and will not change.

The problem is you are trying to have a normal conversation (you have every right to not live under anyone's control) with someone who doesnt care about how their actions affect you and your child (they have no empathy). This is enough to drive anyone insane and if you are not in a position to leave right now, you could try the 'grey rock' method to limit these cyclical arguments where he will never let you be in the right.

Unfortunately, these relationships have a devastating impact on a child's development (trust me, I have first hand experience) and he could very easily become physically or sexually abusive to you and your child (if he hasnt already). The only way to get this to stop is to leave the relationship. I know this is often difficult but there really is no other option, even if they agree to counselling it is often just to keep you from leaving.

Have you contacted your local womens centre or the national domestic violence helpline (it's open 24/7). You may want to start gathering evidence of his coercive control so that you can go to the police (save texts, emails, recordings, evidence of financial control etc.) which could help you get a restraining order and may help later when finding accommodation (although you could move into a refuge now if you feel in immediate danger) away from him and court cases over contact with your child.

Leaving an abusive man is often the most dangerous time in any abusive relationship so please do not tell him what your plans are or that you are planning to leave him (if this is what you decide to do).

I have walked down this road (left my abusive exH when I had 3 small children) and I know how scary it is but I can honestly say I dont think I would be alive right now if I didn't. Please take care OP, you are stronger than you think