Husband is over reactive

[anotherbean]

I am getting really fed up with my husband overreacting to situations, and then blaming me for the whole thing even though his reaction is the problem. I’d like some advice on how to deal with this or if someone has gone through similar? It’s always over something so trivial and stupid, he kicks off, I sit and take it (because I don’t want to escalate things further) he will then storm off, and I’ll recieve a barrage of texts telling me what I’ve done wrong, name calling and how I better stop the “behaviour” that caused his reaction. I feel like I can’t speak to him about it because he is so reactive, and anything I say to him - I’m being a nag, but he will literally nag me and create a drama over nothing, constantly and he doesn’t seem to see it. I’m so sick of it, and honestly it’s got me thinking of how to leave. I’m not entirely happy but I also can’t even imagine how to begin to leave a marriage. I’m all over the place to be honest and not really sure where to go from here, or what I really want. Even though my husband has never been violent towards me, I am scared of people when they lose their temper (childhood trauma) and he has thrown objects in the past when I argue back (not at me, but it’s still intimidating). I really just do anything to avoid escalating the situation and therefore I feel stifled. Im just sick of always being blamed, being under the microscope and having to walk on egg shells. It’s not healthy.

Could you leave the room when he starts? Obviously he needs to stop this behaviour, or the relationship needs to end but neither of those things will happen overnight. In the interrim, while you get strong and decide what you want for your future, can you just leave?

I get if there are kids about then it is difficult. But if he wants an argument and you either sit and take it, or argue back, he's getting his 'fix'. If you were to calmly leave the room, go out on a walk or go to a friends, and ignore all rude text messages, would he get the message (eventually) that you're just not available to be abused in that way any longer?

Feeling like you are walking on eggshells is not a healthy adult relationship. Your DH needs to step up and do anger management and counseling.

You are in an abusive relationship OP.

This is not normal behaviour.

This is not going to get better.

Don't waste your life with a nasty, abusive bully.

Cut your loses.

Get your paperwork and life in order.

And get out.

Best of luck.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You do know that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE?.

Does he behave like this with his work colleagues or people in the outside world; likely not. It is for you alone that he reserves such hatred. You grew up also seeing domestic violence; you learnt a lot of damaging stuff about relationships and it is no coincidence that you found yourself with this man now.

Men like you describe hate women, all of them. What you are describing here is more than simply unhealthy; it is abusive behaviour from him towards you and in turn any children who are also unfortunate enough to be seeing this.

Please contact Womens Aid as they can and will help you here. You do not have to live like this and doing so will simply destroy you from the inside out.

AM courses are no answer to domestic violence. Such men often can control themselves around people in the outside world and can appear to be quite plausible to them also. He feels entitled to treat you like this.

He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out on his unreasonable and abusive behaviours. Such men do not change, this is really who he is.

Counselling for your own self is a must do given your own abusive childhood too. DO not ever enter into any joint counselling session with your abusive husband.

I’m all over the place to be honest and not really sure where to go from here, or what I really want.

If I gave you £100,000 and said 'this is for you, to set you up for the future, what would you do?

People like this are their own worst enemies. Dh comes from a family of people who have never learnt to control themselves or their anger. He sought therapy wheN I gave him an ultimatum. But I see other members still struggle. SIL is in a relationship with a terrible man. But because she has never learnt to control her temper or behaviour, even when he is behaving like a complete twat, she is seen as the person with the problem because her behaviour is so over the top and unacceptable that BIL immediately gets sympathy from everyone.

If you DH can't control himself, you should leave because no one should have to live like this. Next time he starts, tell him you won't be listening to him rant at you and if he wants to discuss the issue calmly, you'll be in the kitchen/bedroom/whatever. Then leave room. But ultimately, unless he addresses his behaviour, nothing will change.

I know you are all right. Of course there are good times and beyond this our relationship is other wise good, but feeling this way is becoming unbearable and to be honest I’m losing respect for him, it’s making me become resentful because I feel like I can’t speak my mind.
I have and do walk away when he starts, but then I get accused of “just walking away”. He becomes confrontational demanding answers to things there aren’t really answers to and in honesty it’s behaving like a giant spoilt brat.
No I doubt he treats anyone else’s like this, tho he is over reactive and dramatic toward other people in his life too - his family and even to situations in work. Honestly it’s just too much, dealing with drama. I feel like screaming at him to get a perspective instead of nit picking over things that aren’t even real problems.
To answer your question, if I was offered £100,000 to leave, and I could do so safely with my pets and child, I’d be gone. In an ideal world.

Okay. He accuses you of walking away. Well, that's true, isn't it? When he behaves abusively, you are walking away from it. Each and every time. You're not engaging with that.

I second what other posters have said about him needing to sort himself out, but the fact is, you are asking for advice, not him. The situation as it is means you can either leave him, or find a way to protect yourself from his behaviour until you do decide to leave him, he leaves you, or he stops doing it.

What is so bad about him accusing you of walking away? He can stew and blame and he angry as much as he wants, and if you aren't in the same room for it, you're not having to deal with his drama and accusations. Just leave him to it.

My prediction is that once he doesn't have an audience, he will attempt to escalate his behaviour. If you don't feel safe, ignore my advice, placate him by whatever means necessary for the next day or two, then get out by whatever means you can. If you don't feel unsafe, then ignore the escalations too. He'll either pack it in because he doesn't get his reward, or he will leave you and find someone who will tolerate it. Either way, you are not being exposed to it any longer.

I feel like screaming at him to get a perspective instead of nit picking over things that aren’t even real problems.
He isn't doing that by mistake. Its part of the gaslighting process.

Start making plans to find a job, get some cash together and leave. Its not going to happen overnight but its possible, especially as your DC's get older and start school.

I told mine a while ago. If he Doesn't stop reacting to me. He won't have anything to react to again. Seems to have worked!

There's an amazing book on Amazon called stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist that really helped me. MIL is a narc and DH has borderline personality disorders. The mood swings, selfishness and utter lack of compassion is staggering. This book made me realise that I would never change their behaviour but I could change mine. I could do things I wanted to do without putting DH first and considering his reaction, I could ignore goady MIL, I could break the rules DH tried to impose on us. It's been amazing. Regardless of what happens with the relationship I know I have a better way of dealing with them.

He never says he’s sorry or takes responsibility either. I know what I need to do, I just don’t know how to do it, safely and with my child and pets.

Please contact Women's Aid, OP.

You won’t ever be able to get it right. If you walk away to try and stop it escalating, you’ll be in the wrong, if you say nothing, you’ll be in the wrong, if you stand up for yourself, you’ll be in the wrong.

He won’t ever say sorry, because of course, you were wrong. Plus men like this don’t apologise because they are always right (in their brain).

I found placating did slightly decrease the longevity of the rant. I’d say ‘I understand what you’re saying’ and ‘I understand why you feel that way’ was useful and then excusing myself from the room to go and do an imaginary household chore.

But in the long term he won’t change without some major long term intervention (ie. counselling) and he won’t do that because in his eyes it’s everyone else’s behaviour that’s the problem. Not him.

Do what you need to do to survive until you can get out and like a previous poster said, call Women’s Aid as they give great advice and support.