I had an abusive childhood. And sadly moved around a bit too on my mum's whim so I lost some amazing friends along the way as was pre-internet. I also got bullied and had some isoling years in new schools. In 20s, I had a few male friends who would routinely make passes at me - I tolerated this. Or women who would just talk for 3 hours straight at me then magically vanish if I ever had a slight problem with my life. Some of my male friends have had to rethink post-me-too as their permanent women/me hating jibes just look wrong now. I feel guilty (then and now) that I've always laughed along. And obviously I was pretty self-hating.
But now I'm in my 40s and I'm different, I like myself alot more these days. My narc female friends have naturally drifted away the more I wanted a more even friendship, I still have a few long-term friendships with males, that I'm trying to figure out how healthy they are.
I guess I'm realising that I don't have that history and naturally even-friendships that people my age have. Because I've always had such low self-esteem. I find it hard to make friends at my age, as everyone generally says. I do join clubs etc but I'm still reticent about getting close. A couple of mum friends suddenly stopped speaking to me a few years back and I don't know why - which has also had an impact on me. And I always feel like I'm playing catch-up. Even people I make friends with always seem to have better closer friends and family members that obviously matter to them, which I don't have.
I'm rambling. I know. I just wish having worked through a certain amount of my childhood now, I wish I could go back to my 20s and start again. Forge those friendships with people who aren't just taking their shit out on me. I'd like to matter to people, as well as them mattering to me. To fall out, make up etc rather than me just doing and being what others want so they don't reject me. It's all a bit of a challenge at my age. I know I need to engage. I just still feel bruised. Anyone else in a similar situation???