Would a man really be interested in...

[BigRedLondonBus]

A woman with 4 children? I am a single parent to 4, I’ve been single since my ex left 2 years ago. Everyone I know keeps saying I should date and try to meet someone’s but I can’t accept that a man would be interested in a woman with 4 children (it’s not the same as having one or two) am I right? Should I just accept I will never meet anyone? I’m only 30 and feel like I will be alone forever.

I was a single mum of 3 when I met my now husband at 35. He had none.

Sounds trite but forge a life that makes you happy and then it doesn’t matter either way x

It's true there's a lady lives In my small town, she had 10 children when she met her now husband and they have gone on to have 2 together 😳 and he's 10 years younger than her. So yes op there is men out there that will.

teaches why on earth would you think it odd? One 3 year old isn't a horribly daunting thing and despite what you read on here there are lots of men who do actually quite like kids. OP I agree with the pp about it being absolutely possible but be prepared for the idea that it might be an arms length relationship for some years. My dp and I have been together 3 years but we have no plans to cohabit, can go a week without seeing each other but it's great. I'm not looking for a stepdad. I have a partner to do fun things with when I'm free but there's no compromises with regards to the kids or my autonomy.

Kris Jenner was divorced with 4 kids and went onto remarry and have two more... and look at her now. You’re young and I’m sure very lovely with lots to offer. You will absolutely meet someone when it’s the right person at the right time x

Well if a middle class woman married to a famous lawyer was able to do it ...

This is a difficult thing for be to say because I don't want to deflect or detract from the OP or even hijack this.

I'm a primary carer, resident parent, 100% custody with court orders to prove it to two DDs 13 & 10, I'm also a 50 yo working lone parent dad.

I've faced the reality that I'll be alone. Mostly people will think I'm after a glorified housekeeper and babysitter with benefits, or I'll just come across as creepy.

By the time my two are out of the house I'll be too old and knackered (I am now tbh). My two have also pointed out that they don't want me dateing anyway and gave said that they'd make anyone's life difficult. Well, that's self pity aired

I feel that If OP had a confidence boost, she see has a lot to offer. A capable, resilient, resourceful, hard working single mum is something special.

Mmmm I'm in a similar situation.

Its frightening isn't it?

I kind of feel your pain OP. I'm in a shared custody situation...not quite 50/50 but close.
I'm in my early 40's with 3 kids and I can't imagine ever meeting someone who can just like me for me. My husband didn't, and he's the father of all mine.

Its a weird feeling. I feel too young to hang up my boots but at the same time I don't trust easily (which should be a good thing)

I work FT and do some voluntary stuff, my life is rich and full. I would make a fab partner, I think.

However I accept (grudgingly) that I just don't have what it takes. I appreciate that my opinion isn't helping me any but am at a loss as to what to do about it.

Disney I wish you well. My kids said flat out they didn't want me to meet anyone. I assured them that they have one dad and that they wouldn't need to worry. DC2 has recently told me I should get a boyfriend, bless him. They might change their minds (I appreciate your circumstances are much different though...)

No real advice OP, just solidarity. Time will tell xx

I met my now fiancé 5 years ago and I had 4 children. He accepted them easily and is a fantastic step father. I definitely wasn’t looking for commitment when I met him. But here we are.

@aufaitaccompli
Really? They said they’d make life difficult? Regardless on if you want to date or not, no way would I tolerate that attitude from my children.

We’re parents, not robots.

I took on a relationship when I was 20, woman had a child. The ex was an alcoholic and abusive. The child was just 18 months old, 20s now. Yet something felt so very right quickly. I've loved every moment of raising the boy, despite attempts by his birth father to drive a wedge between us over the years, and various health issues including ADHD and ASD, I've loved that boy for a very long time. He calls me dad, and has done so for over a decade: likewise I see him as my son. I couldn't love him more if I'd fathered him and been there when he was born. Our bond is unbreakable.

Would it have changed the dynamic if my DP had had 2, 3 or 4 kids? No I don't think so. The major question for me would be the involvement of any ex's, and the relationship between them both.

Sorry for the ramble. Some men won't be interested, yet a fair few will be. Don't ever sell yourself short, and as pps have said, beware cocklodgers who just want to get their feet under the table and consider you an easy target.

I have four and a 50/50 arrangement and expecting a 5th with my new partner, not planned but he’s absolutely thrilled.

My male friend has one of his own and met a woman with five, they’ve just announced a pregnancy.

Ohhh and I know another couple where she has 4 and her partner has none. Their relationship looks great.

All of the children I’ve mentioned are a bit older than yours OP but it’s in no way a deal breaker for a lot of men.

@Auellica

I agree...I think my son was lashing out and panicking a bit.
They'll be the last to know if I do start seeing someone.

The making life difficult was a PP.... I was trying, and failing, to suggest their attitude could change.

I think for me exiting an abusive and toxic marriage, I was wary of upsetting the kids more than I needed to.

I'm basically a big old scaredy cat right now.

I'm one of 12 and both my parents re-married to people with no children of their own so it does happen.

I'm with someone now who doesn't have any children whereas I have two and hes amazing with them. I was in the same boat as you, I never thought I'd meet someone but I did. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Thanks it’s so nice to hear all the positive stories. I’m certainly not in a rush to meet anyone but it is nice to know that there may be someone out there for me when I am ready.

My dp has three kids 40% when I met him and now we have one together.
It was a hard decision to date him, I won't lie and I rarely saw the kids for the first 8 mthsr so. But we are together now.
Be open honest and date, date not want a life partner forever and it will be fine. Just accept a need to take things slowly. A lot of people. In their 30's and older have baggage and kids, so it reasonably normal.
I should add if I ever split with dp I wouldn't date anyone with kids again though as I wouldn't want a blended family, that's my choice and I'm honest about it.

My friend's son married a widow with four children two years ago, kids aged 2-8, he is quite a bit younger than she is. They have just had their second baby together so now it's a family of six. Just saying - never say it can't happen!

I'm a single dad of two, and I wouldn't be immediately put off if a woman had 4 children. I'd judge any potential relationship on its merits and pursue it if I thought it was worth pursuing.

OP I think perhaps you need to re-evaluate your stance against 'casual' relationships. You have a 2 year old! It would make much more sense to look for company you enjoy, sex that makes you happy etc

If you can get childcare (do you share custody?) then why not start by enjoying mens company, flirting, having nice chats.

I think a man who would be happy to move straight in to a deep relatinonship with someone with four YOUNG children is truly rare and for good reason - it's a massive emotional and practical commitment.

I would respect a man more who stood a bit back from all that and wanted to just enjoy time with me in a more relaxed way.

Yes there are and they are generally a) paedophile and b) men who really love kids. Just be careful that you know which is which.

I have never had children of my own and after my divorce I was absolutely positive that I would never have a relationship with a woman who had young children. A couple of years later I started to see a woman who was a mother to three children below the age of twelve; sixteen years later and we are still together.

Don't view yourself as an unattractive person, or consider yourself to be in a hopeless situation. Be confident that to someone out there you are the perfect partner.

I couldn’t have a fwb or casual relationship not out of judgement more that I’ve done it in the past and I always ended up developing feelings and getting hurt . Would rather have no sex than go through that again.

Honestly? It's a big ask. Never say never, but I'd certainly be VERY cautious. Some of the things that would influence me, and probably a lot of guys:

1. Can you support yourself and your family, to a good standard of living? Any hint that I would be a meal ticket to provide for you and your kids would see me running for the hills (there's no way I'd allow my kids' lifestyles to suffer, in order to support four of your kids).

1. What's the family dynamic like? I'm from a big family (I'm one of five), so I know that a big family can be awesome. It can also be problematic - professionally, I have seen families where the lone parent is essentially overwhelmed, and the kids are running wild. Again, any hint that it's all too much would see me off in a cloud of dust.

1. Have you got the time and energy for a relationship, or are the kids going to consume every part of your life? If life's just going to be about slumping exhausted on the settee in front of the TV, that's definitely something a guy could pass on!

As others have said, value yourself and know what you bring to the table. Don't sell yourself short. But also make sure that you are strong and independent before considering inviting anybody into your & your kids lives. That maximises your atttactiveness, and ensures you don't develop an unhealthy reliance on a bloke when dating. Do that, and there will be someone out there who is right for you.

I'm going to have to say that there was little need to list short-commings and negative attributes of lone parenting, and how they are viewed. I feel most lone parents are hyper aware of their situations, which helps to damage self esteem and reduce confidence.

From a positive perspective a lone parent is resilient, supportive, nurturing, able to deal with some really difficult shit that has most running a mile., some of the most key attributes required in any relationship whether intimate or personal.

OP you're only 30, that's young, your obviously self aware, caring, intelligent and understanding, things that are much more important. You have a lot of qualities any one who is serious wants. Also having kids will give you a really needy bastard filter.

OP, the thing is, you can't be sure how dating will turn out. I can understand that you wouldn't go out seeking FWB, but you cannot guarantee that any relationship you begin will become serious. You have to be prepared for some false starts and the potential of being very hurt again.

You have to have excellent boundaries if you start dating, and, to my mind, your standards have to be higher because you have dc, not lower because you think you're a less desirable prospect. Cos you've got their best interests to think about and any man you may eventually bring into their lives will have to be pretty bloody special.

So what if people around you think you should be dating? If you're not ready, don't do it.

I seem to remember that you're not that long out of a relationship, although I may have that wrong? I'd only start dating if you feel fully recovered and have worked through things, have built up your self-esteem and feel like a bit of a catch actually, and are looking to have some fun with dating, can take it lightly and see where it goes. (I'm not saying screw around or accept arrangements that aren't good for you, by any means).