Friend starting affair - do I say something?

[MustardScreams]

I’m very good friends with friend and her DP.

She moved over to England 4 years ago to be with her current DP. They live together, have a dog, no children. He has paid for the majority of the house and bills in this time.

My friend, I’ll call her Emma, has recently started full time work. She’s met a guy there and became very good friends. Recently she told me she’s falling in love with him. She spends every spare moment with him. They work in a restaurant together, so late night after work drinking and meeting up whenever her DP is at work or busy. The manager man has told her he’s in love with her.

At first I kept my nose out, thought it was good she had a new friend and she seemed happy. Now it’s all kicking up a gear (they’ve kissed on at least 2 occasions I know about) and I just feel so bloody awful for her DP. He is the nicest guy anyone could ever wish to meet, and this would absolutely break his heart. He’s already suspicious about their relationship and has asked ‘Emma’ countless times if something is going on between her and the guy she works with.

Do I say something to her? I honestly don’t think I can stand by and watch her ruin someone’s life for a bit of fun on the side. What would you all do in this position? I’d rather not have known anything about it, but she doesn’t have many friends so I’m really the only person she can talk to.

Lots of people will tell you to keep your nose out but honestly I think there is far too much tacit acceptance of crap behaviour these days because people are scared of 'judging'. I cheated on my lovely ex and 8nly one friend had the balls to stand up and tell me how shitty it was. Everyone else made sympathetic noises and nodded as I spouted bollocks about the OM being so wonderful. (naturally he wasn't in the end and it was all hideous). Being a good friend I think sometimes means saying what they need, not want to hear.
I would suggest asking her if she is planning on leaving her current partner?, if not, how long is she planning on lying to him? Ask her if she's imagined the look on his face when he finds out. I wish more people had said that to me.

“ He’s already suspicious about their relationship and has asked ‘Emma’ countless times if something is going on between her and the guy she works with. ”

That’s the point OP at which the real damage is done. The deception of someone who thinks they are a friend.

Your friend is going to gaslight her DP until she is found out, and who knows how long that will be? In that time, the harm done will be so much worse because of the issues of trust. She is no longer a friend to her DP, she has made him an adversary, and he doesn’t even know it.
If it’s only gone as far as a kiss things might be salvageable-but the lies now have probably ended any hope of s genuine trusting relationship. They aren’t married and she has no reason not to come clean and finish things. He may be heart broken -but he may be far more harmed the longer this goes on.

I’d tell your friend she needs to come clean- and that if she doesn’t, you can’t promise to continue to hide what you know from her DP. I think if you’re close to both of them then it’s like watching someone being slowly poisoned by someone they trust.

Been in this situation. Told friend she either told her DH or I would. Marriage was in trouble anyway. I did day I would be there for her always no matter what the outcome. But I wasn’t happy to deceive her DH.

I would say something too. And if she us not torn with guilt, I'd be worried about why not. Help her do the right thing. Remind her that watching someone lie is not nice and the stain will remain unfortunately.

It depends. Do you want to stand in judgement of your friend, or are you afraid for her that she will make a self-destructive decision.

She has lived with a partner four years. Maybe she is diappointed that despite relocating to be with him, the relationship has not progressed.

Maybe the fling is her way of sorting out in her head whether her ltr is worth giving up her freedom for.

Dont weigh down on her just to shame her. I read such harsh comments on mn about cheaters sometimes. Like 'they are scum' and i think 'really. wow'.

So figure out first if you can help her evaluate what is important. If it is an urge to shame her, sit on it.

At the poster above, ugh a fling is how you sort your head out? Nice,

LoeweHammock, I absolutely agree about some of the comments regarding cheaters on here. Sometimes it really isn't black and white, there can be all sorts of relationship issues that may lead someone to seek comfort or intimacy elsewhere, when children are involved it can make it seem worse, but it also goes some way to explaining why some people stay stuck in relationships they don't want to be in and then cheat.

This particular one going off what we've been told so far just seems more black and white than others, just a case of a straight up selfish affair. Of course we don't know the reality of the relationship or what is going on in her head, but if he really is that nice and they've no kids then she just sounds selfish.

Also the fact that he has asked countless times shows it's already harmed him, did she tell you that he asked countless times? What does she expect you to think of that? We've seen the turmoil people go through on here to even ask a partner one time if something is going on with a particular person?

I personally would need to take a step back from the friendship, especially knowing how paranoid and upset he probably feels, and her telling me about it. That would be far too involved for me.

I'm assuming you are closer friends to her than you are to him if she is telling you all of this info?

I would warn her she is going to detonate her life

She won't listen though

Tell her you don't want to be her sounding board while she acts with such cruelty and withdraw

Your decision if you want to be around to pick up the pieces. I have on some occasions and on others I have completely cut contact and left them to the inevitable shit show

@piggle23, not consciously no, but I believe that it might end up giving her the answer to a question she wasn't previously acknowledging.

This is not the same as recommending having a fling, I hope people understand that.

Don't get involved any further.

Tell her that she's on her own with it, you don't support what she's doing and until the affair ends, you won't lie to her DP.

I've been there, done that, got the T Shirt. My then best friend had an affair with another good friends DH, and once you start going along with their lies, it's a slippery slope.

Yep, time to get out of dodge. Tell her she is on her own and pull away.

I once nearly had an affair. Luckily I came to my senses just in time.

A good friend recently went through similar and I supported her but didn't mince my words. Sometimes a metaphorical bucket of cold water from a friend is what's needed to break the state.

I'd hazard a guess that your friend's marriage isn't as it needs to be (mine wasn't, looking back) but muddying waters with an affair is never the answer.

Well you’ve said you’re friends with both of them so would have to say something. You’ll struggle even if she does put a lid on it now though. And if you withdraw he’ll be suspicious as why you’ve fallen out for no reason which he is aware of.

I’ve just found out about a scandalous relationship between two people I know but at least I don’t know and have ever met the cheated on party. Think they were taken a back by me not being entirely supportive of their new relationship though and probably expected me to be cool. I haven’t been hostile but know it’s a shit show and won’t work out for either of them. And yes I feel sorry for the victim but my loyalty is to the others but refuse to indulge their future happy fantasy as everyone but them knows what’s going to happen and it’s not happy

I would suggest asking her if she is planning on leaving her current partner?, if not, how long is she planning on lying to him? Ask her if she's imagined the look on his face when he finds out.

Absolutely perfect approach.

The trouble with affairs is that they are addictive. Apparently they light up the same reward centres as powerful drugs. So when someone is in it? They don't listen.

I have said 'you are making a huge mistake'. Doesn't work.

But those questions suggested by @Angrybird123 gently get to the point of the wrongness that is an affair.

And ask her if she realises the damage she will cause to her dp if he is already suspicious about this man and she keeps telling him he's imagining things, tell her her behaviour and secret life will only become harder to hide as the affairs heats up, is she planning on just denying everything and making her partner think he's going crazy?

Also ask if she believes he's in love with her, and she's falling in love with him, why would they ruin something that could be lovely by starting it through an affair? Is it like taking him for a test drive first?

I agree to back off from this friendship.

I was put in a similar position a few months ago. Initially, I felt sorry for my friend, and tried to support her but then she quickly started using me as an excuse to cover her tracks.

So I had to tell her how upset I was about that, how I couldn't support her decision and how if she was going to carry on this path, then she should be kind and considerate to her DH and DC as possible, but I didn't want to hear any more about it.

She didn't listen, still believes they are a love story and her DH doesn't know (But more and more people around her are connecting the dots).

Ugh. Our friendship has massively cooled down, and I feel nothing but relief because I hated having to look her DH in the eyes.

It's her secret to keep, and she can't expect you to keep it for her.

I'd say something. Give her 2 options, she tells her dp or you tell her dp (and give her a clear deadline for this). Even if she decides she wants to be with om she owes current dp the truth.

She's put you in an unfair position by telling you, these are the consequences of her actions.

LoeweHammock you ever been cheated on by a long term partner?

I would at the very least make it clear you won't lie for her.
I think it's a dick move for her to start something while in a relationship and her to be ok with lying to her partner.

I'd tell her I'm telling him unless she does. Maybe a dick move but I'd feel sorry for him and couldn't keep the secret

Friends like that you can do without.
Don’t give her the option to tell her DP - she will only give a false account and cause more damage than telling the truth. Tell him yourself and walk away from the friendship for good. If she whines about it, tell her she’s a gutless emotional abuser and to do one.

Life can present you with tough choices in all sorts of respect. This is one such situation. There’s no fluffy, perfect answer here where everyone lives happily ever after. Best you can do is maintain your integrity.

I have to agree with some of the other posters. I would give her the option to either tell her DP or you will. I am afraid you are already caught in the web and removing yourself from the situation will not solve anything. You will still know, she will still cheat and her DP will slowly be going crazy. Your friend has been given many opportunities to come clean but she has decided to continue her cruel behaviour. Her DP will be torturing himself and it will effect any future relationships he has. This is what your friends behaviour will result in.
I would think how upset you would be if you were in his postiion