To walk away or fight for us

[cariad2019]

I have been seeing a guy for 7 months, things had been going great. We laugh so much, spend a good amount of time together, cook together, spend time with friends and family together, our sex life was out of this world and I really thought we had a future. But he has massive problems expressing emotions and holds back.

Last night he finished things saying he can't commit as we'll both end up getting hurt in the future. His family and friends have told him he is mad to not commit and stupid to let me go. But it seems like he can't move on from the hurt he experienced in previous relationships (he's early 30's and been single over 3 years).

He was upset last night and I basically told him this was a bullshit reason to split up and asked him so many times to look me in the eye and tell me he doesn't want to be with me and then I'll walk away. He couldn't do this and I know that spitting up is not what he wants, he's just scared. He opened up with his emotions last night for the first time and he is scared of us getting hurt further down the line. I got the whole it's not you it's me stuff but I told him he was making a mistake but I'm not going to beg him to stay with me.

He stayed at mine last night (we were out when we had this convo) and we had (great) sex last night and this morning. We were both very sad and when I dropped him of at his and picked my stuff up from there I asked him if this is what he really wants and he didn't answer so I asked him again. He shook his head and said it's better to split up now as it will be easier.

Diving away from him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, I know it's only been 7 months but I am gutted as I really saw a future with him and we've had such a great time. I text him when I got home basically saying if he doesn't want to be with me then I'll walk away but if he's doing this to try and 'protect' us from future hurt then I will fight for us because getting hurt is always a risk in a relationship.

I don't know whether to just walk away (which breaks my heart and the thought of not having him in my life is horrible) or to fight for us and try and get him past the fear of being hurt. I'm not going to beg him, that's not my style but I need him to know that I want us to be together.

I also feel that I need a good talking too because I know that if he asks to meet up, I know I'll go and we'll probably end up sleeping together and I can't let myself be hurt like that if he still won't commit.

I know your head and heart are a mess right now, but he is massively fucking you about. He is not the great guy you think he is. Stop wasting your time.

I agree he’s messing you around. If he genuinely saw the relationship working in the future there would be no issue with worrying about either of you getting hurt. I’d leave it now.

Thank you for your replies. That's exactly what I said to him last night, that if I was the right person for him he wouldn't have these fears. You are both right

Keep that in the front of your mind. He is right... he would be incredibly hard work to get rid of a few years down the line! You don't need to welcome that!

What would "fighting for us" entail exactly, when you are the only one who wants to do so?

At seven months in, it really shouldn't be as hard as fighting for someone to be with you, if all that stands in your way is their attitude.

Who are you going to fight exactly? I don't understand that phrase.

Relationships should not be such hard work honestly.

If he is afraid of commitment then he needs to look at why this is through therapy rather than messing you around so.

Walk away from him altogether, you do not warrant being messed around like this.

I too am wondering what "fighting for the relationship" would look like?

It sounds a bit like refusing to accept that he has split up with you, demanding he give you "reasons" that you agree with, forcing him to go over and over his decision and trying to browbeat him into "admitting" that you guys should actually stay together. It all sounds a bit....coercive.

Head up, walk away. Don't beg, don't negotiate, he has the right to end your relationship, and he is not required to give reasons you agree with.

What would "fighting for us" entail exactly, Without wanting to make OP feel even more crap than she doubtless already does... I have a friend who 'fought for her relationship'. She fought long and hard. Her fight seemed to consist of harrassing him, always being there, wherever he was, sending him cards, leaving him phone messages, telling him she was giving him some space to 'realise'.

He got the police involved! It as all he had left that he could do!

I have no idea what the term means to anyone else, but to me I always think of that one woman and her most determined effort to force a man to love her.

What a shitty way to end things - totally out of the blue like that.

Don't chase him - tbh you really shouldn't have slept with him after his announcement last night, but what's done is done.

An old Mumsnet saying is to LISTEN when someone tells you who they are.

You cannot force/manipulate someone into loving you, so do not compromise yourself again - all you would be doing is prolonging the agony/the situation.

In a couple of months you really will see the relationship for what it really was, and the shitting ending will also tie-in somewhere along the line.

You will be ok - good luck💐💐💐

I ‘fought’ for my ExH several times during our relationship and I wish I’d just left it after the first split.

If I had my time again, I’d have walked out and kept going.

Please be kind to yourself- lick your wounds, but let him go. No good relationship should be this hard.

Someone much better for you is out there.

With people like this, fighting for your relationship usually means laying down the law, spending countless hours explaining your boundaries, whilst he behaves like a wounded dog.
Then watching those boundaries slide off into the distance a few weeks later when he does the same or worse again.

You never see people posting on MN saying they're going to tell, or have told, their BF/GF that they need to split up an otherwise good relationship to prevent them both being hurt in the future.

Well I haven't, anyway.

And I think thats because it's never a genuine reason.

This is why he fries my brain, I've never had anyone break up with me for fear of being hurt in the future!

I'm definitely not a stalker, I meant fighting for us as in keeping lines of communication open and discussing his fears about being hurt etc. I initially told him that he will never see or hear from me again but stupidly I'm hoping he realizes he's made a mistake and will tell me rather than not say anything because I told him not to contact me. I guess I wanted to keep a line of communication open for us to try again.

My behaviour was certainly not coercive, I needed to know if it was because he was genuinely scared or if he no longer wanted to be with me. It would be easier if he'd said that it was because his feelings had changed and didn't want to be with me rather than fear of commitment.

I wasn't expecting to split up this weekend if I'm honest. We're both really laid back (which is why I wanted to make it clear that I didn't want to break up) and we've never argued. If it was going tits up I could understand splitting up.

I guess I'm clinging to hope that he'll miss me and change his mind. Time to get a grip and stop moping!

I guess I'm clinging to hope that he'll miss me and change his mind

Your best chance of this is total radio silence - no messages, emails, calls, nothing. Let him really miss you.

He already knows that you don't want to split up and would be definitely up for getting back together. So you don't need to worry that he will want to get back together but not tell you.