Large age gaps

[RubaDubMum89]

I'm wondering if people can share their experiences, thoughts and opinions on large age gaps between partners please .

I'm on my way to 'seeing' a man, who is 16 years older than me (I'm 30) and I'm (over) thinking about the long term prospects of a relationship with this man, before I get overly invested.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel, so, if you could share your stories, good or bad, that would be fantastic!

There was a thread a few days ago if you look back.

My DH is 11 years older than me. When we first started seeing each other, I was warned by friends "you'll end up being his nursemaid" etc. We I'm 60 now and he is 71 - I'm not his nursemaid and we're still deliriously happy together.

Don't overthink it - just enjoy his company and see where this goes.

I have dated a man who was 10 years younger than me. It showed.

I have dated a man who was 10 years older than me. It also showed.

Ideally, I'd meet someone within 5 years of my own age.

He's 12 years older. It was fine when I was in my 20s. Now he's in his 60s the gap is really showing. Not helped by the fact that he is not in the greatest health whereas I am the fittest and healthiest I have ever been.

Read the other threads. These come up now and again.
In your and his age it works fine. He is still young and full of energy.
Fast forward 15years.
Have a look at 60yo men around you.
If you find them attractive now (bc at 45 you’ll look at men largely as you look at them at 30) - then you’ll be OK.

I am mid 40s and the oldest men I find attractive is about 5years older then me...
It’s not ageism as someone pointed out. It’s reality. And it’s also relative. As I age - the men I find attractive also age. Just that the age difference stays sort of constant.

However - as is often in these age difference relationships - if he is financially stable can give you a nice life for the next 20years - it’s a different story. And many women trade short term comfort/security that they can enjoy now for unknown future. Because as someone always says - no one knows how life turns out later, so why worry about it now.

My DH was 10 yrs older than me. I was widowed at the age of 42.
I would not recommend a big age gap.

My grandparents have a 12 year age gap. Very happy life together but now he is in his 80s, my nan is a carer for my grandad and it is sadly impacting on her own health.

What I would advice is when the time comes, don't be afraid to ask for help instead of being your partner sole carer.

My DH is 17 years older than me, together 20 years. He is sixty now, and not in the best health. I am facing being widowed at an early age, but then these things can happen regardless of age can't they? I worry for my children in the future, one of whom is still very young. That being said, we have had a wonderful life together so far and I wouldn't change it.

15 year age gap here. Met when he was 40. Married for 16 years this summer. We’ve had to adapt and change over the years as I’m sure is the case in other relationships. Still fancy him. He’s sporty active and is fitter than me!

Large age gaps are pretty much the norm in my family. My grandfather was 10+ years older than my grandmother, my dad was 10+ years older than my mum, I'm 10+ years older than my wife. Neither my mum nor my grandmother ended up as nurse maids.

i couldn't face being with an old man I don't think. I met a 61 year old on Friday - he was very nice (only 12 years older than me) but I could see how old he was compared to me, and I just wouldn't fancy being with that person as they drifted into old age and ill health. And he was fit - a cyclist and still very active. But still in his 60s. I'm not ready for that yet.

So OP while it may work for you now with a 16 year age gap, I think longer term, it wouldn't be brilliant. Most men do start to drift (downwards) in their late 40s . (and I suspect most men in their 50s have some sort of ED too....).

There were 13 years between my grandparents. Considering this was a different time and my granda began his first job when he was 14, I've always thought it really weird, but they were wonderful together. If you both fall in love then there's no problem.

What's he like with you? Will you want kids with him?

DH is 15 years older.

We’re so in love, I fancy the pants off him and if I need to care for him one day, that’s fine. I’m his wife - who else is going to do it?

It would be my privilege. He’s cared for me beautifully every day since I met him. I’ll simply be returning the favour.

12 years between me and my husband. Got together at 26 and 38. I'm now 37 and he 49. One DC and married since. It's working well for us, but he didn't have any significant baggage (no ex wife, no kids) when we met. I sometimes worry about long term health etc - as DC will be still youngish (late teens) when he's hitting classic retirement age. But nobody knows what's going to happen in the future so if it's working there's no reason to over-think.

16 years between me and DH.

A lot of people including my parents were v unhappy about it when we first got together. I was 24, he was 40.

8 years later We are now married with two DC.

The way my health is I can see him far outliving me

As someone said - these age gap relationships wept well when men are still young’ish... Which is what we see in the comments...

Where are the happy 55yo wives of 70yo men? At that age - i’ll still have a teenager in secondary school. And I still would want a H that has energy for me and the kids.

Forgot to mention - at 55 I’d still want to have lots of sex.
It’s only a few years for me till they age. And I don’t find even 60yos attractive yet.

There's a lot to ponder about here, thank you for your honesty folks!

To the PP that asked, it's still really early stages yet, we've not even slept together. However, we have known each other a good decade now and he's always been lovely. We've got on really well as friends over the years, but, with me being recently single, the dynamic between us has changed.

His children are grown up (teens and early twenties) and my daughter is still a toddler. Neither of us want more children and, even if I did, I ha e secondary infertility, so it's not an option.

I just want to rectify my past mistakes of 'going with the flow' and thinking of the Consequences too late! I don't want to mess either of us around. Like I say, there's lots to consider here! I may have to make a pros and cons list!

Pinkarsedfly yes!!

There's 25 years between DH and I and he's currently 71. I'm definitely not a nursemaid, in fact he's determined to outlive me!!

17 year gap here, with him approaching 53 and me 36. Been together nearly 15 years and married for 11. Still absolutely in love, still fancy him and he is a source of great emotional support for me. In the background we are planning a three phase retirement which is kind of funny because friends my age aren’t even starting to think of it. I’m doing a lot of saving and investing now so that I can retire early. We are thinking pragmatically so that there will be funds for help when DH is old and also toying with the idea of a flat/maisonette that our DC (13 and 11) can live in it whilst finding their feet in young adulthood, then I can move into it if/when the time comes I’ll be alone.

That said DH is in good health, we don’t really notice the age gap.

@RollOnSaturday
Ok - I get what he got out of it...
He was 38yo and met a 21yo, who was a teenager just a couple of years ago.
Not a lot of equality in that sort of a relationship. No matter how mature you’ll say you were at the time...
You had to live your life on his schedule - have kids in early 20s, and start planning for retirement in mid 30s....
And you missed out on fun and carefree 20s people have.
And of course - when he does retire and if he doesn’t need care - you are there....
So - for him - this is perfect.
Maybe the financial security he brought it did it for you.
But you say you are doing savings and investments... so not clear on that...

Of course you find him attractive now. I am ten years older than you and my bf is 51. Men this age are great. Confident and strong. And sexy and everything still functions.
Except that when you are my age - your H will be retired and 63....

I have daughters. If at 20 they are approached by a nearly 40yo - I will seriously question why he can’t manage it with women closer to his age. Is that because he needs someone who’d look up to him? Someone who won’t question him? Someone he’d not have to treat as an equal?

I used to be that mature young girl attracted to much older men. Classic cliche - divorced family, daddy issues, etc. I know it feels nice with older and more confident men. They know how to treat young women, how to make them feel special. Etc.
So - I have been there.
And now - that I am on the other side - I know how men my age look at women. And what drives them when they go for much younger women.
Hopefully - I can relay this to my daughters. Just as something to think about if she ever considers a large age gap relationship.

I think the age of the youngest party determines whether it is an issue. 20 and under with a large gap and I'd think there is something definitely wrong with the older party. Even 21 with a big gap I'd probably wonder what the older one is lacking. I find it quite predatory and the younger would rarely understand that, which I guess is the point.

At 30, I don't really see an issue if you are both happy

DH was 22 years older than me. We were very much in love, we were a great team and he was my best friend. Neither of us looked at anyone else, he was handsome and kind, and so funny. And then he became terminally ill at 59 and died 18 months later. I was a widow before reaching 40. It is really shit. But I miss him every moment of every day, I am glad we had 20 wonderful years together and wouldn't change it for the world. But it does mean I will be alone for the rest of my life and that lonely life will be longer than I had anticipated. But then cancer is no respecter of age, and he could have been my age and still died. You can't really predict what will happen.