Talk some sense into me please!

[Nocountryforoldwomen]

NC for this. I am embarrassed as hell about what I’m about to share and nervous because I never usually reach out for advice but I could do with some perspectives to help me out of a weird cycle...

I’m divorced four years (30 year relationship, sexless for last 7), professional job and late 50s. Late in 2017 I awoke from my slumbers and thought I might try online dating. I genuinely never expected to find anyone who would even consider sleeping with me but that has not been the case - far from it. I’ve had five amazing lovers in the time since and basically have been making up for 15 years of lost time, both in terms of sex and emotional connection. I’ve parted company with three of them but continue to see one weekly for regular sex and one sporadically for what I can only call sex holidays.

My head is now telling me to quit just having sex-fuelled relationships and look for a proper one. But I can’t seem to bring myself to really do that, despite constantly telling myself to get a grip, although I have got two lovely respectable men lined up.

I feel like a user and I don’t like myself at all. How do I actually stop?

Do you actually want a committed relationship, perhaps with another marriage in mind?

It sounds like you're enjoying yourself so I'm not sure why you'd stop? You're not hurting anyone (assuming all these partners are single or in open poly relationships) so not sure what the problem is - is is just societal pressure?

Thanks, that’s a good question. Three things. I’m having a ball but I worry that I have hurt these men and will continue to do so. I fear I embarrass my grownup DC. And I fear that I will miss the boat for a long-term relationship so I will never actually love someone again.

Last time I did old, there were plenty of 70+ men on there (I'm in my 40s), so don't worry about missing the boat.

Sounds like you need this time to have fun, feel wanted and feel alive again.

I'm bloody jealous.

I'm sure you aren't falling out of nightclubs with different men all the time. Your kids just want you to be happy, surely?

Likely it's a phase, enjoy!!!

Hi OP. I’m in pretty well the same past as you (age, long shit marriage etc) and also doing OLD now...just haven’t had 5 fabulous lovers as there’s so few I’m attracted to.

I’d say a big well done to you for getting yourself out there and making up for lost time. As for what you continue to do...why do you not like yourself and feel like a user? Are there expectations from the guys you are seeing?

My motto in life is do whatever you want as long as it’s safe and you do not hurt anyone....so safe sex (including testing) and no lying. I think nowadays unless you have the “exclusive” talk you can do pretty well what you want relationship-wise.

Perhaps you’ve done the “sowing your wild oats” sort of thing and part of your brain is saying you now want to “settle down” again? This is your choice and neither is wrong.

HTH....and I am slightly jealous

Just enjoy!! You spent 30 years doing things for others. Just be honest with the guys. They'll understand.

Try to be discreet around your DC and have fun!

As soon as I shift a few kg I'll be right out there doing the same.

I really appreciate the support, thank you. No to the nightclub thing, these are all men I happily spend non-sex time with as well. Certainly no messing around with young men either as I don’t fancy them - all are/have been over 50.

Maybe accept I’m not ready so stop willing myself to stop - just go with the flow? Wait for the day I wake up and think ‘OK, that’s over with?’

Maybe accept I’m not ready so stop willing myself to stop - just go with the flow? Wait for the day I wake up and think ‘OK, that’s over with?’

Yes...exactly this. Enjoy yourself and have a ball

Er... sounds great? If you’re having fun, being honest and not hurting anyone where’s to problem?

Thanks again for the support. Although my sensible, rather hung-up head tells me it’s time to stop I think the gist is I have to wait for the rest of me (as it were 😄) to catch up. Wait until commitment feels more life-enhancing than sexual variety!

But, should I continue to date the respectable man (no sex on the horizon yet) to see where it goes, without telling him about my other activities? I’m far from convinced it will go anywhere with him but it may be worth this shot. If I did tell him, at this stage, he would be deeply hurt and would definitely run a mile. And I wouldn’t blame him.

Gawd it's a tiny amount of time considering you were in a 30-year marriage!!

What do you actually want for your future? You're only two years out of this marriage so is another serious and long term relationship really what you need right now? Or is it that you feel like that's what you 'should' do?

Blimey. If the 'respectable' man would be so shocked and hurt that you are a free agent, enjoying sex - is he really for you anyway? Didn't you just get out of a loooooong marriage with a man where there was no sex....?

You make good points cookie, thank you. To be honest, if my XH hadn’t found a functional LTR I don’t think me finding one would even cross my mind - yes, I’m competing with him, how pathetic is that? AND yes, you’re right, the ‘respectable’ man is too conventional (and vulnerable) for me.

Nah it's not pathetic at all!! It's perfectly natural to do a bit of competitive moving on or comparing etc. But what's best is to think about what makes you happy, rather than what makes you happier than him, IYSWIM?

Plus gawds how badly would it suck if you swapped your ex-husband for Mr Conventional and just ended up with another version of your ex?

Ha ha cookie I’m already happier than XH as I’m not a twat! And if I picture myself settled in front of the TV with any DH I feel queasy. So yes, I’m just going to accept I’m not ready and continue to grow old disgracefully!

I love Mumsnet wisdom.

Exactly what Cookie said. My ExH remarried a few months ago (he was a twat too - neither his kids from his 1st marriage or his 2nd marriage have celebrated today with him.

I’ve realised that it would take someone very very special to make me ever want to “settle down” again. .Messages from guys who say they want someone to share the quieter years make me cringe!

Messages from guys who say they want someone to share the quieter years make me cringe!

I hear you. I got a message off a man in his 60s one time. It said he was looking for someone to spend this final part of his journey with.

I'm 46. Plenty of life left in me, thanks very much 🤣

@Windmillwhirl ...wtf?? Probably Looking for a potential carer - like the 83 year old who thought we’d be suited!

This is why, although ideally we’d all probably like to date someone slightly younger than us, I know I definitely want to date someone younger, the same , or not much older than me!

Am so jealous!!! Just keep enjoying life please

So I’m not the only one feeling queasy, phew! But for every ‘curl up and die’ message I’ve had from men in their 50s I’ve had 10 ‘oh god I’m desperate for sex’ messages. I guess we’ve all had the stuffing knocked out of us by life to different degrees, each to their own.

To the PP who planned to lose weight before putting themselves out there - don’t bother. There are plenty of men who like curvy women (I’m 16-18). Anyway It’s not weight that holds us back, it’s confidence. Work on that in priority to everything

Go girl how lovely to read a post about a lady of your age enjoying herself you deserve it as long as no one gets hurt x

Fill yer boots! We're only here once, might as well enjoy it.

over50andfab I know!!! I had a good laugh over it. Terrible photo as well. It's like he thought any old photo will do and the women will be falling over themselves to be the chosen one.

I have a fwb that I see once a month (different countries) and have for a year now. It's great fun, I enjoy trips away and the sex is great. I'm not giving that up as it absolutely suits me for now. Will it always? I don't know, but I am enjoying it while it lasts. Nothing in life is guaranteed, well ok, death and taxes.

Players looking for future carers are definitely a thing - the sex holiday guy is one of those, but we are clear that fun is the only thing on offer on either side. And protecting against STIs is also really important at this age.

I guess I’m looking for the one, but just having fun during the search. It galls me that XH found the one quickly while it’s taking me much longer, but it doesn’t really matter.

As long as everybody is aware of the expectations you want from them I don't see why it should be a problem.
I've had several moments in my life when all I've wanted is casual hook ups/relationships with men who have wanted the same thing and it works out fine. It has all come to an end when I or them have moved on.
Enjoy it, just because society expects people to be in 'normal' relationships doesn't mean you have to be 🙂