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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I deal with bf and his issues?

8 replies

SeagullPoopOnYourHead · 16/06/2019 11:02

I think perhaps he is depressed. He's suffered from anxiety quite badly in the past but seems to be able to manage it now. I supported him the whole way through it as I've been there and know what it's like. I really have tried my best to be patient and empathetic whilst helping him find tools to be able to manage it himself.
Recently he's become quite withdrawn. His moods can be all over the place. He's snappy and clearly doesn't want to be around me or my kids- I can speak to him on the phone and he'll be in a great mood then the minute he walks through the front door you can feel the pissyness radiating off of him. Even the kids have noticed it.
He has a pretty good relationship with the children and they like us spending time together as a family but its becoming more and more infrequent.
He works nights which puts an incredible amount of strain on the relationship, there is next to no time for intimacy and the Night shifts play a huge role in his mood problems because his sleep is all over the place. He says he can't sleep when he's at my house but doesn't seem to fair much better when he's at his own flat.
We are spending less and less time together. I can't remember the last time we slept in the same bed....let alone had sex.
It just doesn't feel like a relationship any more. It's not all his fault, we've had an incredibly turbulent year as my daughter has had severe mental health problems but that is mostly under control now and I'm able to manage her problems (I don't want to blame it all on him)
I've also just started a new job which is full time and I'm shattered......I feel he could have helped out a bit in the transition to this new job with dinner or the house but he hasn't. I love him very much and I know he loves me but I'm beginning to wonder what I'm actually getting out of this relationship. We've been together 5.5 years.......but I feel like perhaps we want different things. We've spoken about the issues but nothing seems to change. I'm at a loss of what to do. I don't want to throw away what we have, I don't want to mess the kids up by another man vanishing from their lives like their dad did, but equally I don't know where we go from here?
I suggested last night that he see the gp but he doesn't think it warrants that.
It's fathers day and he is nowhere to be seen. The kids got him cards but it feels like they shouldn't have bothered.

I am going to finish doing my housework and take the kids out for ice cream in a bit. Just feeling alone and sad.

OP posts:
LittleDoll · 16/06/2019 13:00

Lack of sleep will definitely exasperate mental health issues. If he is normally better than he is now maybe suggest looking for a new job. My partner is very much the same with his night shifts at the minute. He does 4 on 4 off and you can feel the shift in his mood as he gets to the third or fourth night on it really effects him.

TeaForTheWin · 16/06/2019 13:10

Could you ask for space from eachother for a while and see how you both get on...eg: do you miss one another?

So maybe he could spend nights at his flat and just come visit for a day out with you all on weekends. You might find that that small amount of actual quality time is better than the dribs and drabs. Or you might find that one or both of you make excuses not to even bother meeting that day ect…

Either way the space might help you both figure out what you want...

SeagullPoopOnYourHead · 16/06/2019 13:17

He works mon-thurs nights then we he stays at his on Friday so he can go to the pub with his friends. Saturday night he usually comes to mine. Yesterday I heard nothing from him all day.....Got a call at half 5 to say he didn't want to come to mine and mope about all evening and he'd be over tomorrow. It got to 12.45 today and I went out. I'm sick of waiting for him. I sent him a message to say we'd gone out, wasn't sure when we'd be back and that I'd call him later. He replied that he was on his way over which I don't believe for a second. He's just trying to make me look like the bad guy. I'm so frustrated......I don't want to be around him when I feel like this. I've asked him repeatedly if something I'm doing is causing his behaviour/If he wants me to change anything and he says no. I've been so patient but I've run out.

OP posts:
SeagullPoopOnYourHead · 16/06/2019 13:19

I know he won't move jobs.....He works for a very prestigious company that he's worked hard to get into.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 16/06/2019 13:22

Maybe the train has just come to the end of the tracks for this relationship. It doesnt sound like youre getting anything out of it, and havent for a while.
If someone has MH issues, then thats one thing, but they have to at least be making some sort of effort to deal with that. He seems to be pushing you further away and disengaging which is not fair on you and certainly not your children. SOunds like you have more than enough of your own to deal with, without him

Drum2018 · 16/06/2019 13:34

Leave him be until he makes an effort to sort his MH. Night shift workers can be prone to depression. The sleep pattern is likely to be all over the place given that weekends are turned around to night sleeping, so tiredness will have a huge effect on his MH. Try to remain calm and tell him that you want to be supportive but your family has to come first. Suggest counselling, seeing his gp in case he needs medication, but maybe you need to take a step back for your own sanity. Don't take any shit from him about going out today and not waiting for him to decide when he wants to show up. Enjoy the day you have planned with your kids.

SeagullPoopOnYourHead · 16/06/2019 13:46

My car has just broken down.....I feel like screaming. He's now coming to fix it so this whole issue will get ignored

OP posts:
fuddle · 16/06/2019 21:03

It sounds as if you've got a lot on Yr plate. You're both v busy. Does he go out with his friends every week? He's got enough energy for that! I would have cut down on that as he's probably knackered then seeing his friends of course he will be irritable probably has sleep deprivation which is contributing to all of this. I think you should have a break you don't even have to make a thing out of it just do not be as available. I know you've helped him but you need to think of yourself

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