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Original poster

I broke up with him but he doesnt want to break up and i'm confused

71 replies

SoConfusedSo · 16/06/2019 11:01

So we've been together for quite a few years - 5.
We're both in our mid 20s.
I've posted my story before on this site but basically:
We're in a LDR. Have been for 8 months. He wanted to travel and see the world. I wanted to stay and complete my studies. He gave me one week notice at the end of november he was leaving. I was devastated of course.
We have had a few rough patches since then, broke up a couple of times but always ended up back together.
The plan was to see each other at summer. I was flying out to him. Summer is swiftly approaching and he didnt seem eager to book it - just had the 'we have plenty of time attitude' when there's only a few weeks left and then he started talking about how he wants to go and see some more.places so doesnt know when he'll be free. I am also applying for jobs so in the end I agreed to just leave the booking for now.

Then i didnt hear off him all weekend until Monday morning when i got a message saying 'been on an adventure'

And then he wasnt speaking properly all week.

I became frustrated, broke down in my work which ive never done, and realised this relationship was causing me too much stress.

My friends and parents think i'm being silly continuing to wait.

So i rung him. Told him i was unhappy and that i've broke down in work and i think we both want different things. He agreed at first. And that was that of that conversation.
Then yesterday, we spoke again as the night before was a bit emotional.
He told me that he doesnt want it to end and he will 1000% be home in October, maybe even July, August or September.
That'll be around 9 months of not seeing each other :(

I told him the trust has gone that he'll.actually come home. Plans have changed so much. The original plan was he was coming home during summer not me flying out to him; and he seems to get anxiety everytime things are approaching.

He told me he loves me and no matter what happens, he will be seeing me when he's home.
He said he doesnt understand why we have to break up.
I've told him to give us both a week to really think about this so we can both speak with clear heads. But i feel so confused :(

OP posts:
Original poster
SoConfusedSo · 16/06/2019 11:06

Sorry,
To add to the tale;
I have been going out with my friends more.and have found myself becoming attracted to a friend of a friend who has made it clear he likes me.
He messaged a few months ago but i kindly told him i wasnt looking for a relationship and he was lovely about it, and left me to it.
3.months later, he has sent a message the other day asking how i was and i replied nicely but I dont bring any relationship problems because that's not his business.
This guy is continuing.to.make convetsation over message and as he's friends with my friends I dont just want to blurt out that im not ready for anything more than friends in case he is actually just being friendly but at the same time, I feel like i'm being disrespectful to my relationship but dont know how to say anything

OP posts:
Original poster
SoConfusedSo · 16/06/2019 11:09

I cant tell.whether it's a genuine attraction or a loneliness and substitute attraction :(

OP posts:
MollyButton · 16/06/2019 11:10

Just drop the long distance boyfriend. It sounds like he is having fun but wants the security of having someone waiting at home. But he isn't entitled to have his cake and eat it. He choose to travel, he choose to not make much effort, he has to take the consequences.
With the new guy - don't rush things. Have fun but no need to jump from one relationship to another.

RestingBitchFaced · 16/06/2019 11:13

I think you need a clean break from the LDR. He's not interested in committing to you, and is happy doing his own thing.

WomanLikeMeLM · 16/06/2019 11:16

I remember your other posts, we told you then to end it. Seems he stills wants to have his cake and eat it.

Your being used, set your bar higher, you are worth so much more.

Myheartbelongsto · 16/06/2019 11:17

Ah, so you've had your head turned.

Did you tell your boyfriend that bit?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/06/2019 11:19

He wants to have you waiting for him at home when he gets back; so when his adventures and fun end, he's not coming back to nothing.

That doesn't suit you. You didn't want this; and it's not doing it for you anymore.

Break it off, go no contact for a bit of time to let yourself heal, and then see friend of a friend once you're not on the rebound if you want to.

VodselForDinner · 16/06/2019 11:27

I think you need to have a look at what’s happened in your life that you think being treated like this is acceptable. It’s not normal to let a man treat you like this.

I’d ignore the second guy too.

Work on yourself for a while.

Original poster
SoConfusedSo · 16/06/2019 11:36

It's not that i've had my head turned as i'm not interested in being in another relationship any time soon,
I have a lot of love for my LDR boyfriend but I think the loneliness and sadness of a 7-8 monthish long distance relationship has crept in and my brain is trying to substitute. I am taking ages to reply and have been honest with him in the past that i'm not looking for a relationship

OP posts:
TheSecondMrsAshwell · 16/06/2019 11:39

He wants to have you waiting for him at home when he gets back

When he eventually gets back. He's coming back in October, possibly September, perhaps August, maybe July.

If he loved you so "1000%" much, he'd drop everything and be home before June was over. But no, you have to sit around for more than 3 months in case he deigns to get home sooner. My bet is that he'll be coming home in time for Halloween.

I've spent most of my life waiting for one man or another. Don't do it.

Don't know about the other guy. Someone else will advise you on that.

TooTrueToBeGood · 16/06/2019 11:40

You don't need his permission. Stop letting him play you like a puppet and your emotional wellbeing will have a chance to recover. Continue to let him fuck with your mind and you will remain miserable. Take back control of your life.

burnyburny · 16/06/2019 11:40

People, your are wasting your time.

If this poster is who I think, she's posted so many, many, times about him under various names.

He's a total arsehole and she she should have chucked him about 4.5 years ago! He has had his head turned, and more. He's cheated more than once, ignored her, let his friends take the piss out of her, but never let her meet his friends, and there was ridiculous pregnancy/abortion drama (where it changed from twins to triplets and other such inconsistencies - it was planned/unplanned, there was previously a miscarriage etc). Then apparently he pissed off abroad with 4 days notice while she was still bleeding.

If she's real, she's always just been an option that's available to him.

TooTrueToBeGood · 16/06/2019 11:43

Btw, he's talking shite when he says he loves you. If he really loved you he'd be with you now. You've taken second place to a gap year ffs, that is not love.

HollowTalk · 16/06/2019 11:46

You're wasting your time with your boyfriend. You are at different points in your life - he wants to travel and to be free. Let him go. (It'll give him a massive shock.) Tell him to go and enjoy his life and that you will, too, then stop talking to him. See where it goes with the other guy. Have fun. Enjoy being young.

Original poster
SoConfusedSo · 16/06/2019 11:59

Thanks everybody; i completelt agree, too young to be waiting around for him to decide,
When i tell him that he's been away for so many months and I dont understand why he wont come home for summer when i'm.off from.my studies,
He says that he'd feel he'd be wasting his time at home so whilst he's still young he wants to continue seeing the world and that if someone really loved another person, they'd wait just a few.more.months,

OP posts:
MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 16/06/2019 12:13

He's playing mind games with you. Just end it and move on. Why should your whole relationship be on his terms? And while they are why should he change? No way you should see him when he deigns to come back. And definitely don't sleep with him, goodness knows where he's been.

Original poster
SoConfusedSo · 16/06/2019 12:20

He thinks it works both ways though, as in when i say to him
'Why cant you come home for summer?'
He replies
'Well why cant you fly out here?'

But why should i when he left? He said he'd go halves but still.
And i was stupidly willing to fly out there like an idiot. Until this week when I wondered what actually i was getting out of it. Yes it wouldve been lovely to have a holiday but it'd be lovelier to have a boyfriend at home.

I understand his need to travel, if he wants.to travel that's good for him but i'm tired of waiting Confused

OP posts:
RavenLG · 16/06/2019 12:23

You’re the LDR guy’s back burner. He doesn’t want the hassle of an actual relationship right now but expects you to be ready and willing when he decides to come back. Fuck that. Send him an email / message confirming you have ended the relationship and you need some space before speaking to him again, block him on social media / email / phone. Everything is ALL on his terms you’re not getting any say, so change that and let go of this waste of space.

Clutterbugsmum · 16/06/2019 12:39

Tell if when he comes home then you may reconsider but as it stands at the moment you are getting nothing out of this relationship. And you want to start living your life rather then waiting for him to decide if and when he going to return. Then go NC.

TeaForTheWin · 16/06/2019 12:47

You aren't confused, you are being MADE confused by him. You want to break up because this 'relationship' clearly isn't working. And he's guilt tripping you /manipulating your emotions with promises in order for you to not break up. You really should have refused to speak to him again after that break up phonecall. It was done, now he is trying to talk you around again. Sorry but this selfish twat expects you to wait how long?! And even has the audacity to suggest you drop your life to come out and join him.

And do you honestly believe he hasn't being seeing anyone else for 8 months, at the other end of the world?! Lol. Break up by email and then block him on everything. If he comes home in October you can talk then (if you actually want to pursue anything with him again and he can give decent commitments) but until then, use the distance between you as well, distance between you. And don't be talked out of it.

MMmomDD · 16/06/2019 12:55

You again?
The triplets/twins abortion?
And last time you said he decided to settle in another country and wasn’t coming back?

What do you get from posting the same story OVER and OVER???
You get the same comments of well meaning people, then reappear later with the same exact story.

How much longer does it need to go on?????

anothernotherone · 16/06/2019 13:06

Your LDR man is messing with your head and wants you to be his insurance/ back up for when he gets bored. He has no respect for you. He's doing his thing and wants you to be a good, quiet, undemanding little woman and wait faithfully in case he wants you/ a place to stay for a bit at some point when his money runs out.

If you tell him it's over then it's over.

He doesn't get to tell you it isn't because he loves you. So what? Does he think you're obliged to have a relationship with anyone who says he loves you? If someone in the pub tonight tells you he lives you, will you have no choice but to let him move into your home and bed?

Just tell LDR it is over, because you say it's over, then block his number and post any stuff of his you have to his mum.

If you discuss it he'll try to convince you you're unreasonable because you're his backup plan and it costs him nothing to keep you hanging on.

Dump and block. He is the past.

anothernotherone · 16/06/2019 13:07

MMmomDD - ah Blush pbp?

Epona1 · 16/06/2019 14:44

You’re just a puppet and he’s pulling your strings.

Get some self respect and dump him. Don’t YOU think you’re worth more than this?

Sorry to be blunt, but you posted before about this and you were told then to dump him as you’re being used. Don’t keep ignoring positive advice

Original poster
SoConfusedSo · 16/06/2019 15:19

Thanks,
I know I keep falling for his words but his words.dont match his actions,
I've been so stupid, genuinly believing he will change,
But i suppose like many people say - if he loved me, he'd be coming home, not staying 3 months longer

OP posts: