Am I being silly?

[ScarJo]

I don't really know how to start this - I know to some I will sound mad but I'd like to think we all make mistakes

When I was 19 I married my childhood sweetheart, we had been together from 14-16 then he joined the army and moved away, eventually, he came back when I was 18 and when I saw him it was like he never left and we got back together very quickly. After 2 weeks he told me he was going to marry me and 5 months later he proposed. We got married 7 months after that. In the beginning he swept me off my feet, was so romantic and caring (from reading on here I now know he was love bombing me) then the day after we got married I moved 500 miles to be with him at his new posting and it was like a switch had flipped, it started off subtle, digs about my looks, not liking me making new friends or going out without him, eventually he became physically abusive and I decided I'd had enough and left him only a year after marrying him.

Fast forward to now, I'm 23 and with a wonderful man, we have been together 2 and a half years and have an amazing 6 month old DD. He is complete opposite to my ex, he supports me no matter what, encourages me to make friends and socialise, always makes me feel beautiful, pulls more than his weight around the house (we have lived together a year) and with our DD, we have fun, we laugh, my family love him. Don't get me wrong we do bicker but it's always resolved quickly and forgotten about and never over anything major! I'm living the life I never thought I would have after I left my ex.

Anyway I was cleaning our cupboard yesterday while he was at work and pulled out an old bag I haven't used in ages, I could feel something was inside so I looked and it was an engagement ring! I had a feeling this might be coming he has been talking about getting married loads recently and I've told him how I'd love to marry him and do it properly this time and not rush the wedding like I did before. This will be his first wedding.

I'm absolutely over the moon, I can't wait to marry him. My problem is I'm worried about other peoples opinions. I know I shouldn't but I can't get it out of my head that my friends and family will judge me after my last marriage being a disaster and be thinking ''I wonder how long this will last.'' Am I being silly? We wouldn't be getting married anytime soon I'd like at least 3 years to just enjoy being engaged and plan things this time. Guess I'm just looking some outside opinions please?

You are being very silly.

You've been together 2.5 years and have a child. Any 'judging' has already been done!

Yip. Silly. Who cares what others think. As long as your happy and it's what you want.

You're friends and family will be happy you've found someone who you love and loves you! Congratulations x

Thank you for your replies!

I know a big part of this is just me projecting how I feel on myself if that makes sense? Like I'm still ashamed that I was so stupid when I was younger and I judge myself very harshly on it. I'm usually not so daft!

I am very excited about it so I suppose all that's left to say is EEEEEEEEEEEK

OP - you decided to tie ourself to this man with a much stronger ties than marriage already.
You have a child together.

What is silly is to take the ties of parenthood so lightly and obsess over what people would think about a ring/piece of paper.

Just be happy that you are in a good happy place with your bf.

I understand what you are all saying, I know having DD already ties me to him anyway and when I was pregnant I had the same thoughts especially as she was unplanned (coil failure) but I would have had her whether he was with me or not. I'm financially independent etc

I guess it's because being married feels so optional like you are all saying we are already tied together so some might think why am I bothering getting married again?

Anyway, I've asked and been answered and know I am being stupid- I just had to hear it from someone else I guess

Aww bless you. You are absolutely right - everyone makes mistakes.

I think you should try to reframe what happened with your first marriage. Ok so it was fast-ish (though I’ve heard of plenty who go even faster and with clear signs of abuse etc), but you were young. The fact that you had the strength to leave that situation when he became abusive is something to be extremely proud of!!!

You now have a beautiful daughter, what sounds like a lovely relationship, you’re financially independent...

You’ve done brilliantly! There’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not your fault you were abused.

Thank you @CookieDeal that made me well up, other than my mum and my partner you're the only other person to say that to me.

The trauma of my first marriage will stay with me forever, I never spoke to anyone about it other than my mum, partner and therapist so to the rest of my family and friends it looks like I left over nothing especially as my exH painted himself all over social media to be the heartbroken devoted husband.

I think this revelation has brought up a few supressed feelings so sorry for waffling, I just sometimes feel like I don't deserve to be happy

Awww nobody will judge you OP. My DH has been married twice before - he just says " everyone is entitled to a couple of mistakes in life" and he is right. You're happy now - enjoy your life and don't worry about what anyone says.

I'm not surprised it's brought up some suppressed feelings ScarJo. It's hard for anyone who hasn't been through that sort of abuse to understand how long it can impact for, and in how many different ways.

Feeling like you don't deserve to be happy is part of the aftermath - because of the abuse and because of judging yourself for it. But you do deserve to be happy. For me, sometimes when I'm judging myself harshly for something, I think about my child and how I would think about him if he had had a similar experience. How much compassion I would have. Then I try and see if I can feel some of it for myself. Because I would never ever judge my child the way I sometimes harshly judge myself.

I don't know if that will work for you, but it might be worth a go!!