The effects of alcohol on a person - what to do?

[Ineedhelptocope]

I am hoping someone has had experience of this.
Perfectly reasonable, lovely, kind man who on occasions seems to turn into an absolute arsehole after drinking.
Married 9 years and have had various episodes of this, some worse than others. No actual physical assault aside from when he pushed me over once about 10 years ago. I find myself becoming nervous and a bit stressed if we are out and he is drinking. He will become argumentative, belligerent and just horrible over such stupid things. Latest episode last night.... he blamed it on me and completely lost it. Our family have been dealing with an extremely traumatic event so I am not sure if this made it worse. I have asked him to leave but I am not sure if I am doing the right thing. He used to be sorry and claim ownership of hos shitty behaviour but now it seems it's my fault because I have been a nightmare the last few months [because of the same traumatic event involving my DD] Im scared of being on my own but equally can I keep living like this. It doesn't happen every week but it seems t happen at ;east once a month. I hate the feelings it causes me. I just dont know what to do

He needs some counselling by the sound of it. Why is he drinking so much.

Does he drink lots through the week or binge drink on occasions.

He has to accept his behaviour is not okay and want to do something about it for the sake of your relationship. If he doesn't then it's a bit doomed. You have to spell out how you feel and what needs to change.

People will be on to say he's an alcoholic, I hate throwing that word around but he definetly has a problem with alcohol. Again. How much does he drink a week?

He doesnt really drink that much. Occasionally a glass of wine the week. More at the weekend. Ive tried to talk to him but it just descends into a row. He says it is my fault because I 'push his buttons' although after the first dreadful episode he took full responsibility and has on other occasions. Now it would appear he is blaming me because I am a nightmare to live and I need to move on from the traumatic event. I am trying and am getting counselling etc but I am so low about it all. He gets so angry, it scares me

If he were a genuinely nice person who turned into a total bastard when he drank, then either as a nice person he'd make damn sure he didn't drink, or he'd drink because he had too big a dependence on alcohol not too.

So either he isn't that nice, or he's a problem drinker.

So sorry OP, here is a hand hold.

Alcohol is a depressant, and a disinhibitor. So it really is 'in vino veritas'.

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/317541.php

What is so wrong with being on your own compared to being with someone like this?. You've already wasted too many years of your life with this person. And besides which you are not on your own anyway, you have a child here too.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
He is abusive towards you and has a drink problem. Like practically all abusers as well he is blaming others for his own inherent problems.

You have asked him to leave; I would keep him gone from your lives now and seek legal advice with a view to divorcing him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

This is not just about you, its about your daughter as well. What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning from the two of you here?. Your own recovery from his alcoholism and associated abuses of you will only properly start when you are completely rid of him.

Do contact Al-anon and learn more about your parts being played in this overall dysfunctional relationship. You've been playing the usual roles associated with such spouses; those of enabler, codependent partner and provoker. Its done you no favours at all being with him.

I would also consider contacting Womens Aid also.

This really isn't a good relationship to be in by the sounds of it. Someone who isn't supportive or kind or any fun to be with. Life is too short! Get out and make a better life for yourself. My ex got clean eventually and is now a brilliant dad, al anon helped me through the whole process so definitely worth looking into as he may not have a problem with the amount he drinks but he definitely has a problem with his anger when he drinks so in my eyes he's still a problem drinker, good luck xx

If this is the effect alcohol has on him then he needs to stop drinking. You don't need to drink loads or every day to be a problem drinker - if alcohol makes someone behave in ways that have a negative effect on those around them, then alcohol is a problem. It really is that simple.

So yes, he needs to change. He's already blaming you for 'pushing his buttons' - this blaming others for their own behaviour is typical of problem drinkers.

Listen to Attila on this - seek help from Al-Anon or a similar support organisation for relatives. Think very hard about what you want your DD's life to be. Work on overcoming the fear of being without him. Chances are you will end up living without him, at least if you want to do the right thing by your child.

My DD is 20 and he is her step dad. They are very close now but had a few years where they didnt get on at all. In the past she has witnessed him losing his shit but I am not sure she would remember and she is now angry at me because I have asked him to leave.

OP I grew up with my dad being like this and he is still like this when he is drunk. We all walk on eggshells and know not to challenge him when he's drunk. He goes crazy, and is always right no matter what. I've seen him strangle my mum when I was little, I called the police on him a few years ago when he was drunk and pushed my mum. Not long ago he kicked the stair gate into the wall when drunk. He won't change so you either stay and live on eggshells and fear when he's drunk or you leave. Unfortunately for my mum she doesn't have anything and would never leave my dad.

The whole thing is a fucking mess. I dont know how much of this is trauma that is destroying my family after what happened.

I'm a long time sober alcoholic and while your DH isn't alcohol dependent he definitely has a big problem.

It's not how much you drink, it's how it affects you. So:

If drinking is damaging family relationships or friendships you have a problem.

If drinking is causing problems at work, including absenteeism, you have a problem.

He has a drink problem by definition. I'd be demanding that your husband stops drinking if this is the result.

OP I'm sorry about the truma you've had but I don't believe it's that causing this. You've acknowledged it's happened way before this

It could be that you've been more vulnerable due to the trauma and this has brought out the bully in him, almost like you feeling weaker gave him the chance to behave worse.

Him in the drink is the real him. The so-called nice guy is his public face.

I think this traumatic event has affected us all very very deeply including him. My DD has said if he leaves then she will go with him. That was a body blow. We are both fundamentally flawed. Are incapable of communicating without it descending into a row. I know I am not perfect and I am sure he would have a few things to say about me but I cant just move on from stuff in the way he thinks I should. I am sinking lower and lower into a deep depression while trying to deal with the fall out of this traumatic event and it would appear I am failing everyone.

Him in the drink is the real him. The so-called nice guy is his public face

I agree to an extent. Ive had to act as peace maker when he has on one of two occasions become a twat with other people when we have been out. I suppose I am devastated that my marriage is likely to end, that my DD will blame me and it will destroy our once very close r'ship. Im fucked whatever I do really

I'm sorry OP I can't offer help but I do agree that people show their true personality when they they drink.

Drink removes inhibitions and the need/ability to hide their true personality.

For example, I've never met a nasty drunk who isn't also nasty under pressure, even though they can be completely charming most of the time.

It's sad but your daughter will very quickly see the real him once he starts drinking in front of her. She could be home the first weekend they spend alone together as he's not going to stop drinking once he's apart from you.

Him in the drink is the real him. The so-called nice guy is his public face

No. The in vino veritas thing is a myth. Some people tilt when drunk - if it's really dramatic it's called alcoholic psychosis. And if it happens even once a month he shouldn't be drinking. At all. And he needs to accept that. But who he is in ordinary life is more the "real" him.