Partners mum is hard work

[Wonderland18]

My partners mum is getting increasingly difficult to engage with. Like I’ve encouraged her visits since the little one was born but ever since I started dating her son l any time I’ve seen her she’s had to have a dig here or there. It’s been “oh I don’t like you with all that slap on you look stuck up” and questioning why I meet requirements for intolerances the little one has cause “doctors don’t know” Actively encourages me to give crisps and chocolate as first foods (which I refuse pointblank) and said I looked 5 sizes bigger than I am. But it’s now got to the point where she doesn’t listen to me where the babies concerned, now little one is no longer newborn the no kissing rule has apparently gone out the window even while having an active cold sore (I was livid) cause little one can support themselves better apparently that means they can sit on the edge of your knee with zero support.

I don’t know if I’m being too harsh but it’s making me not want her around and anytime I hear she’s coming or my partners planned for us to go up I dread it.

The only advice I have is to strap on a pair and stand up to her OP. It's easier said than done but for your own child's safety you have to be the one to stand up for them, as they can't. She needs to know she can't dismiss you and if that doesn't work you need to seriously consider limiting contact, she will only get worse.

How often do you see her and can you dial it back a bit? Or does your OH push for more visits since the baby’s birth?

Do not see this woman or subject your child further to her. You would not tolerate this from a friend and yet you are wondering whether you're being too harsh here.

Your man is key here. What does your man think of his mother's behaviour?. Is he really just as afraid of her or wanting her approval too?.

You need higher boundaries; you've basically allowed her to walk all over you out of wanting her approval. Such people see kindness as weakness.

I’ve started making sure to tell her to hold the baby properly and even on a few cases just took LO back. Honestly contacts not often anyway it’s like once a fortnight but it’s really enough to put me off altogether. It’s making things difficult with my partner cause he thinks along the lines of it did him no harm (totally debatable) but she’s forever moaning about the clothes the LO wears and I’ve heard her whisper ooh she’s just a bad mum isn’t she on at least 3 occasions and my partner laughs and says she’s playing is all.
Doubtful

The amount of contact that you're currently having with her needs to be further lowered. She cannot be trusted.

Your man's inertia when it comes to his mother is simply hurting him as well as you. He also seems to be in a FOG state (fear, obligation and guilt) when it comes to his mother. If he cannot or equally won't support you re his mother then you're going to have to impose boundaries yourself. I would also in the long run consider whether its actually worth staying with him.

You do not mention his dad in all this; where is he?.

You have two problems her and him. You need to tell him to back you up. And this bad mum business needs to stop immediately. I would call her out in it. Shame her for such nasty and unsupportive comments. Remind her she had her time to mother and got to do it her way. It's your turn and you will do it your way

His dads never been in the picture as far as I’m aware so I think it’s a obligation he feels he has cause she raised him alone. I’ve heard stories of her parenting and honestly would never trust her with LO alone. I don’t see how my partner can tell me these things and expect me to ever allow her as a babysitter (she will 100% not be looking after LO so no worries there) but he has suggested it before.

I’m thinking of cutting contact and just letting my partner visit his mum alone until he stands OUR ground or she starts to respect my wishes with my child!

Does your partner say anything to her?

He tends to zone out when she’s in, if he notices he will usually say something stupid like oh shut up but still with a smile on his face or he says nothing at all cause he’s not actually listening

Thought he was very much in a FOG state with regards to his mother.

He may well want to continue to have a relationship with his mother but it does not follow that you and your child have to do so.

I’ve no idea how to explain to him I don’t want the LO involved with her?

Surely it just seems petty if, for the most part, her attitude mainly stems around me?

I suppose (easier said than fine) that you need to be more assertive. If she says something rude then ask her why she thinks that's okay. If she jokes it off tell her you found it rude.

If she can't respect your wishes to do with the little one, then tell her straight. I'm sure it's not easy but it is a case of being more assertive and eventually it will stop, if it doesn't then she has to stop coming around or you make yourself less available when she does.

You may need to drag him to a counsellor.

My friend had to with her dh as he really didn’t understand that his mother was pushing boundaries so far. It gave him an outside perspective and the counsellor was able to articulate what was wrong better then my friend could.

But your problem is you partner not getting it more then his mother. She won’t listen to you if she has him on her side.

I really do think he’s aware of what she’s like, he says things like oh she’s just old or she’s not doing it deliberately it’s just her personality..

A big part of the problem is he doesn’t think she’s smart enough to hide her digs but frankly I don’t think they are hidden even slightly. She does tend to act up more when he’s not in the room though.

Counselling might be a good shout as he does need to open up a little more too. Quiet and reserved isn’t working for the relationship anymore.

He doesn't stand up to her and he is making excuses for her. He is so used to her behaviour.

He stands up to her when he’s offended.. just not when it’s aimed at anyone else.
He’s definitely used to it though cause I’m his first relationship in 10 years so he’s not really seen how she acts with a partner.

Have you made it clear to him that you find his mums behaviour out of order and he should stand up for you more.

As you will hear often. You can't change other people's behaviour but you can change your own.

On my high horse over here just be assertive and not aggressive and start telling everybody straight. They'll soon stop messing with you.

I really have made it clear to him but he does just continue to make excuses or offer to take the LO to hers without me but I’m not comfortable with that..
I always stand up for myself and in most cases it sticks but not with her, she just ignores anything she’s no interest in. I just don’t think she’s the kinda person I can be around to be honest

That's a tricky one but you've just said it. You don't want to be around her anymore. My partners ex Mum in law was an evil bitch who she chose to drop contact with.

I would hate it if my partner didn't like my mum but I would also like to think I would be in your corner.

The tricky one is you LO and contact with her. Your partner has to enforce your wishes if he takes the LO to her on his own and you need to be able to trust that he does that.

You need to stand up to her op. Your boyfriend doesn't need to go to counselling for that.

You need a frank discussion with her to outline your boundaries.

I once came back into the kitchen to see my ex milk feeding chocolate to my son from her mouth. She sucked the chocolate first then gave it to him.

That night when we all sat down to dinner I pulled her plate towards me and asked if she wanted a hand. It sort of gave me back control. A couple of days later she tried to tell me that making my son giggle while he was eating would give him a stammer. I said, gosh the advice on bringing up kids forty years ago was batshit. That became my response to most of her antics and she stopped.

Thanks for the advice guys
I definitely think it’s time for a good chat with both my partner and his mum.
Will just be frank with her and state where I stand with stuff and that the undermining and digs have to stop if she wants in the LO’s life.
Hopefully that will be enough for her to see sense