Confused, hurt and considering devorce

[Whyowhy01]

Been with OH 14 years. It was a very happy relationship until we bought our new house, near his older brother. Now it feels like theres 3 of us in the marriage.

His brother rings him everyday to do something for him, jobs on his house or go cut grass, woods, out for a drive etc. In the past whenever my OH has explained to his brother that we already had plans so he would help him later, his brother has shouted out youve never got time for me and put the phone down on him. I have explained to my OH thats its not fair on myself or our child for him to want you everyday. We bought our house as a fixer upper and nothings getting done here.

I had asked him in the week if we could have Saturday doing jobs around our home. Saturday comes his brother text him, to drive to do something for him and off he goes. So i thought im not sitting in waiting for him home to stroll back in expecting food to be ready and the housework to be done, so i took our child out.

When we got back, our child started crying, saying wheres Daddy. Why does xxx want him everyday. Using a plastic bottle, our little one said we are this side, xxx is that side and Daddy choses xxx everyday. I told her we love her very much, and that it makes mummy feel sad too. I asked how she would feel if mummy had a house and then daddy had his house. She cried even more, no mummy no.

His brother is fully aware its causing arguments between us and when ever I try talking to my OH about it. He just goes off on one, saying that Im just trying to come between him and his brother. And that ive got problems with my head. And thats hes just stuck on the middle of me and his brother.

He turned back up and the first set of word he spoke were whats for food? Knowing that he would walk in expecting food ready and fed up of just feeling like a convenience, I told him that we've already had food out and left him to sort him own food for a change.

I dont know what else I can do. He talks about our future, our retirement and places we should go on holiday, but I seriously dont think I can live like this.

Should I see a solicitor for devorce advice first or tell him that Im going to apply for a devorce and then do it? I am also thinking I should take our child away a few week ends. Just so she gets some feel to us living apart if we do devorce.

Devorce is the last thing I want, but really just cant see any other way out. Feeling very confused, sad, worried and lonely. Any advice please?

Please stop involving your child in this. She is far too aware of what is going on and obviously it's extremely distressing for her. You discussed splitting up your marriage with her before your husband? The way she is articulating the situation is very worrying, she should be being protected.
Divorce, marriage counselling, whatever - just stop exposing your child to it.

You could rephrase this & reply, "No, Your brother is deliberately coming between you & I, you need to learn to tell him that you are busy & can't help immediately, you are not his unpaid employee..you have a wife, children & your own house to fix.

I agree with FrankT

A child should not be involved in this to that extent. That is very worrying.

I don’t understand the dynamics here so won’t comment. But you DH is choosing to go to his brother and there must be a reason for that. Either there is a push(he is avoiding you) or a pull (his brother needs him). There should be a healthy balance and the problem is that he can’t find it or you don’t accept it.

If his brother just wants your husband to spend time with him could he invite him over to help work on the jobs that need to be done on your house?

FrankT Actually you are very far from the truth. Our child is old enough to make the observstions herself. I have not said anything to her at all, she made the comment on her own, when we got back and he still wasnt there

FrankT is referring to what you said to the child and rightly so. No matter how old she is that was not something you should talk about unless it is going to happen and certainly not when she is upset anyway.

Your husband is being absolutely pathetic and is unable to say no. You have to lay it on the table. Either he treats his family as his 1st priority or you will be seeking a divorce.
Be blunt and mean it.

Regardless of what you say, your op shows you are involving your child in this and it will cause her serious long term damage. She may pick up on the atmosphere and that's bad enough but it's cruel to ask her to imagine different houses at this stage. Parents separating needs to be handled with extreme sensitivity to minimize its long lasting negative effects it inevitably causes.

I think you should go away for the next few weekends. That might shock your OH into action? Don’t tell him. Just go on a Saturday or fri night when he’s off with his brother again. Don’t come back until after tea time on the Sunday. He’ll be left to fend for himself.

How old is your child? She doesn't really sound old enough to have a say in whether you get a divorce...

Also don't understand why you'd tell her her dads actions make you sad - that's just manipulative.

I do understand your frustrations but think you and your DH need to learn to communicate

Have you spoken directly to the brother?
If the db was a work colleague or fellow hobbyist or someone like that commandeering your dh time, you could tell them, one evening and one afternoon a week.
What does your dh actually say. Is he reliving his childhood or escaping the overwhelming list of things-to-do or supporting some db crisis?
Db does sound a touch immature(phone slamming).Is your dh playing a disney dad role?
Plan nice things to do with your dd, hopefully your dh is just going through a phase and will realize he is missing out on a marriage and his dd is growing up without him.
Best wishes x

Take real action here. Next 2 weekends be away. No discussion just away. At the end of weekend 2 say. I want you to organize marriage counseling. If 2 weeks later there's no appointment booked go and see a solicitor.