Friend being abused

[blahblah88]

I think my dear friend is being emotionally abused in his marriage. If I'm right, it's VVVVV subtle, but it's there. I tend to pick up on subtle cues for things like this more than other people, so I think I'm not wrong. I don't want to go into details in case his wife has an account on here as it'd be pretty obvious to her who I am if I go into detail.

I don't know how to bring it up with him. He is happy, but he's constantly made to feel like he's not good enough (which is just the start).

Feels difficult to think how to address this without knowing any examples really.

Would there be a way to express your shock at his wife's behaviour and to steer a conversation round to help him view it if the roles were reversed (often people find DV hard to understand when there's a female pertetrator)?

So "Really? She wouldn't talk to you for 3 days when you asked to spend that weekend with your family? If that happened the other way round then I can imagine people might be worried you were cutting her off from her support network..." etc

Just be very,very sure of your motives. You don’t want him yourself do you?

I considered the same about a friend many years ago. She was a jealous, controlling woman and only I could really see what was going on and could save him.

When in all honesty I was in love with him, wanted to protect and save him. I thought I was so clued up on her behaviour that I saw things other's didn't. But realise I was just hyper aware of her and hyper critical of her behaviour towards him.

The fact is so vvvvv subtle (so practically non-existent you mean?) that only you can possibly notice it makes me fear you're doing the same thing.

We did get together eventually and I realised he was a cheating, workshy, alcoholic, waste of space. I found myself behaving exactly like her: trying to stop him drinking, spending time with women who he'd charmed into believing the same victim status I'd believed.

Be care about your motivation. Do you see yourself as a saviour? Do you want to save others, or is it just him? Are you reading signs to confirm your talent and skill at recognising subtle abuse that other's can't?

I'm not in love with him. When I say vvvv subtle I don't mean that it's non-existent, just that others don't notice because they literally don't spend any time with other people as a couple. So far all I've done is be supportive if he says anything and it's all I'm going to do until I can be sure either way.