I'm 45. I met a man who is 54 about 7 months ago. He lives around 200 miles away from me and we just kept in touch - chatted most evenings; got on really well. Just so much in common. We met up a couple of times and still got on really well in person so decided that, despite the distance, we'd give it a go.
The distance isn't actually an issue for me. We get together every 3 weeks on average and spend a long weekend together. It's always good.
On paper, it looks perfect for me. He's busy; I'm busy; I get to be Me and mum most of the time and then Me and girlfriend when I'm with him. And in terms of interests, lifestyle, attitudes, hobbies etc we are more compatible than I've ever been with anyone. My friends really like him, his like me.
We met during the winter when we were both less busy and had plenty of time to chat. We'd be in touch every day but chat two or three times a week properly when we'd have proper conversations - probably akin to being on a date.
But I've noticed that over the past 6 weeks, these have really petered off. I send conversation starter messages and will get "sounds like you had a good time" or "ok, I'll speak to you later" in response, which just totally shuts down the conversation.
Over the past week, messages have been little more than "Morning. How did you sleep? What are you up to today?" and "Just got into bed, I'm shattered. Speak in the morning". Now I know that over the past couple of weeks he's had a lot on work wise but I'm not a priority at all am I?
I know that he is in pretty much daily contact with his ex wife. They are divorced - I've met her; she has a partner; I've also met his family so nothing dodgy going on but he still talks about her in terms of "we". I don't think he has feelings for her, but I think he still sees her as part of his life rather than just his children's mother. So if he and I are together and she messages, not anything important, just chit chat - I see the messages - he doesn't hide them, then he'll take time out to reply. Then she'll respond. He'll complain that this is the start of a huge text exchange, I say, "well if it's not important, you can reply later if you want". He responds with, "well she knows that I'm here and will have seen the messages so I don't want to be rude". And then will proceed to have a 15 minute text exchange with his ex wife while I'm sat there and whilst complaining about it. So that he's not being rude...
On the rare occasions, he does message me earlier in the evening, he's also chatting with other people. I've said a couple of times, "I can see you're busy, we can chat another day when you've got more time" because, frankly, I'm not sitting there having a fragmented small talk catch up with my boyfriend whilst he's also chatting to 3 other people and making plans with his mates. I'm worth more than that. He reassures me he can 'flit' between the conversations. I don't want him to 'flit'. I'm not high maintenance. But I don't think one night a week when we can have a cosy chat, or a conversation about something, without him being distracted by conversations with other people, is too much to ask.
I have talked to him about it. He apologised and said he would be more mindful. But he hasn't been. In addition, there have been a couple of incidents of 'thoughtlessness'. Nothing really bad but things that I've definitely registered and these other things just seem to be attaching themselves onto it.
I'm going to have to end it, aren't I? Such a shame because we actually get on really well but this isn't enough for me. The physical distance isn't an issue in the slightest, but the lack of interest and emotional distance is huge.