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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH and money, please give me some advice.

35 replies

Witchofthenorth · 15/06/2019 12:55

Hi all,

My ExH messaged me this morning basically saying I had to pay for the kids passports in order for him to take them on holiday in around a month. Not only that, because of the time scale, I would need to go to the local passport office (6 hour round trip) to get them.

Now, I have a couple of issues with this, the first one being that I don't see why I should have to pay for the renewals which would be £100 that I don't have, and the other being that I am self employed and my business is seasonal, therefore, I am now working pretty much everyday now for the next 4/6 weeks.

I told him that I couldn't pay it and I didn't have time to go to the passport office and that he would have to sort it and now he is saying that because of this I won't be receiving any maintenance for the next two weeks for him to be able to pay for the passports. (He pays me £55 per week for 4 children)

When I said that that wouldn't work as I need the child maintenance ( I hate that I am still beholden to him), he had a proper go at me for not helping him take OUR children on a holiday that they would enjoy and basically I am lucky he is only asking for me to pay the passports, I should be thankful that's all he is asking for.

I don't know where to go from here, I basically see no choice but to go two weeks with no money from him because if I say I absolutely need that money now, he told me he would just take it back another time.

What can/should I do?

OP posts:
pikapikachu · 15/06/2019 12:58

Would CMS order him to pay £55pw? It might be time to get them involved so he can't hold you to ransom like this.

gamerchick · 15/06/2019 13:01

Just go through CM services. You know he's left it until now just to stiff you.. because these men are cunts and like to exert control when they can.

category12 · 15/06/2019 13:03

If he's going to muck about with child support, you need to go through CMS instead.

It's not your responsibility, financial or otherwise, to provide the dc with passports in time for the holiday he's planning.

liitlepenguin · 15/06/2019 13:04

Go through CMS. This won't be the last time he will use this against you. Any time he wants you to do something it will stop.

joliejoleen · 15/06/2019 13:05

CMS. Please call them asap. For your own peace of mind xx

RandomMess · 15/06/2019 13:07

Yep CMS all the way, it's his choice to take them away so he needs the passports his problem.

They are very quick to do online anyway!

Mum4Fergus · 15/06/2019 13:08

His unilateral decision making on child maintenance is not acceptable. Pass responsibility for the passports back to him and pass the maintenance on to CMS for them to deal with him on your behalf...best thing I ever did.

burnyburny · 15/06/2019 13:11

£55 a week for 4 kids?! £1.95 per child, per day? Yet can afford to take them all abroad?

He sounds bloody awful and you should absolutely get CMS on his pathetic arse.

LemonSqueezy0 · 15/06/2019 13:14

Echo the calls to go to CMS, you absolutely shouldn't feel beholden to him...

My only other thought is about who 'owns' the passports... Due to pettiness and such my OH had to have it written in the court order that his ex would provide the passport in reasonable time before it was needed to avoid any last minute claims it was lost. She didn't think my OH should have access to it, which obviously the judge disagreed with. I believe its a month or 3 weeks prior to when we need it. If your ex is an arsehole too maybe consider this issue as well.

lunar1 · 15/06/2019 13:17

Message him back that you won't be paying or facilitating collecting the passports and that you will start a CMS claim today.

Gazelda · 15/06/2019 13:20

Passports are part of the cost of having a holiday. He should be covering the cost (obviously).

I agree that you should start a CMS claim right away. You've got nothing to lose.

mybeebop · 15/06/2019 13:21

Is he employed or self employed? Is he deciding how much maintenance to pay? Where has £55 a week (the figure) come from? No you absolutely shouldn’t have to pay their passports and definitely he cannot “order” you to do a six hour round trip. You don’t have to have the reason of working to say no to that. You can say no simply because you don’t want to. You aren’t together any more so you don’t have to do anything he wants you to. That’s the beauty of being separated. No is a complete sentence. Practice saying and writing “No. I don’t want to” that’s your stock sentence from now on. Start getting belligerent. How dare he order you around. Little prick.

Starlight456 · 15/06/2019 13:34

Yes is he self employed?tbh if he is you are probably better off losing the £110.

I would also be telling him as he only gives you £55 a week for 4 children then you cannot afford to pay for his holidays. Tell him this never happens again.

mybeebop · 15/06/2019 13:39

Have you done the online CMS calculator. If he’s employed how much should he be paying?

mybeebop · 15/06/2019 13:40

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Original poster
Witchofthenorth · 15/06/2019 13:42

Thanks all. I wish the CMS would be better but he is self employed and would just work the system.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 15/06/2019 13:44

It is ridiculous it is common knowledge been self employed seems to be an opt out for maintenance yet no one does anything about it

justilou1 · 15/06/2019 14:05

Have you tried the old “Ha ha, No.” answer?

category12 · 15/06/2019 14:12

Ha ha no, is a good one.

You need to not indulge his unreasonable requests, really OP. If he sends you such a ridiculous demand again, take time to think about it, don't engage with it right away, and don't get into message ping-pong about it.

Go for a walk or a bath or something or speak to someone else and try to put what he's saying into perspective before you respond.

  • Is it reasonable to expect you to pay for passports urgently for a holiday he's planning. No.
  • Is it reasonable to expect you to hare round to the passport office on his behalf? No.

Also you're not beholden to him for child support. Child support is something he owes you legally.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 15/06/2019 14:14

It is ridiculous it is common knowledge been self employed seems to be an opt out for maintenance yet no one does anything about it

Being self employed is NOT an opt out for maintenance. Self employed people have to pay maintenance as well as employed people. OP please don't believe the mumsnet myth that self employed people don't have to pay child maintenance.

category12 · 15/06/2019 14:39

He might say he'll work the system, and maybe he would - but is he really as clever as he thinks he is? He's probably relying on you swallowing that line so you don't even try the CMS.

Also, do you have any social leverage? Does he like to appear the family man and provider to relatives?

Olikingcharles · 15/06/2019 14:45

Honestly If you want the children to have the holiday let the maintenance go in order for him to get the passports sorted then lodge a claim though cms. If you don't want them to go on holiday then tell him no. However still lodge the claim either way.

stucknoue · 15/06/2019 15:09

The cost and who should pay (50/50 perhaps as it's for the next 5 years) I cannot help with but online renewals don't take a month, they were running at 2-3 weeks a couple of weeks back when someone here enquired (though check this obviously) kids can't be done on the same day service. Ps do make sure you give him a permission to travel letter and he takes their birth certificates because immigration are getting tighter on lone parents.

Original poster
Witchofthenorth · 15/06/2019 15:17

I am still here. Am working but will read through and reply soon. Thank you all for replying,making me feels so much better Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Witchofthenorth · 15/06/2019 16:49

Unfortunately I can't use the CMS calculator because I don't know what he earns now. We have been split for 6yrs

OP posts:
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