Help with ex and baby DD

[RLEOM]

My DD has just turned 8 months. Ex and I had a messy split due to PND.

My ex is very reactive to anything he thinks is criticism. He has bought his own car seat but it faces forward. I informed him in a nice manner that it's dangerous to have her facing forward. He blew up at me saying that he doesn't criticise my parenting so I shouldn't criticise his. I've wanted to say something about it before but have too scared because of how he reacts.

He's due to collect her today and I'm going to offer my car seat. What do I do if he refuses and gets awkward? Do I refuse to let him take her? Do I inform the police? (I really don't want to go down that avenue).

He often has loud music blaring when he drives off with her. Once again, I've been too scared to say anything. 😔

He loves DD to pieces but has no interest in listening to what is best for DD unless it comes from his mum. He owes me money, has withheld some of my things and has lied about having them. I just don't know what to do anymore. Please help.

Is she in the weight bracket for the forward facing seats? I thought "legally" it was around 9 months (18kg), if that isn't the case for her I would probably insist he takes her usual seat as he could be prosecuted for it anyway.

If shes over the weight limit I'm not sure what the options would be, as while I agree (and had my DC rear facing until gone 3 years old) hes not technically doing anything wrong.

@amIstupid22 thank you for replying. I got her weighed 2 days ago and she weighs 8kg. Legally, she has to be 9kg to face forward and even then it's not recommended until 15 months. I dont even know if his car seat is a size up about what she will need when she's 9kg! I know if I ask the make he won't tell me as he's so awkward.

It depends on the type of seat.
If it's a weight-based seat, the child must be rear-facing until they are 9kg as an absolute minimum.
If it's a newer "iSize" seat, the child must be rear-facing until they are 13 months old as an absolute minimum.
www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules

I would send him the link and/or print it off and give it to him. And not hand her over if she won't be in a suitable seat.

He sounds abusive. Have you contacted Women's Aid?

You can refuse to send her. It's not just moronic it's downright dangerous and even a small crash could kill her at 8 months.
I wouldn't even engage.

I'd text him now saying 'DD is not legally old enough to face forward in a car. You are welcome to use my car seat. However she will not be going if you refuse to adequately provide safe transport for her.

@AnotherEmma he's not abusive (at least I don't think so), he just gets his back up to anything I say due to how I was when we split 6 months ago (heartbroken + PND + pregnancy hormones = nightmare). But the dust has settled and he's still hard to talk to.

@Contraceptionismyfriend I've just sent him a text along those lines. Thank you.

I'm not sure what make his car seat is nor the size.

I just want what's best for DD.

He sounds like an arsehole. At the time you needed support the most he makes things so much worse for you. You should definitely seek advice from women's aid and look into the freedom programme.

Not negotiable.
Either DC goes in his car using the correct restraint, correctly fitted or does not go at all.
I would not take a risk like this.

How old is he? Very loud music whilst driving his infant daughter?
He sounds very immature at best.

Put your foot down now. This is an issue of your child's safety which you are not prepared to back down on now matter how 'awkward' he wants to make this.

You say you are scared of how he may react. He is controlling you and will do so forever more if you let him.

You are going to have to have contact with him at least the rest of your DD's childhood and this bullying will be witnessed by your DD. She will also learn to fear him and jump through his hoops to keep him placated. Don't fail her..

Thanks for the replies.

He got awkward about collecting her because it would mean taking his car seat out and putting my one in (I know, pathetic). He told me to take her to his and pick her up, which I can't complain about as he's done most of the driving as of late due to me not having a lot of money for petrol whilst on SMP. We agreed I'd take her to his, he keeps the car seat, he returns her in my car seat.

Phew!

For ongoing issues like this could you seek support of his mum if he listens to her?

Is he paying child maintenance?
Are you claiming all the benefits you're entitled to? (Probably Universal Credit and CTR)

OP there is an interesting thing here about how you split due to your PND which seems to make you feel guilty and feel like you were a nightmare

You didnt you split because he was I assume unsympathetic and unsupportive to you when you had PND

Your PND was probably triggered by him OP. He sounds a dickhead.

Bloody hell, if he does do that I'd be calling the police immediately as its illegal and insanely unsafe. Can you do all the drop offs and pick ups? I know its a hassle but not a chance would i be letting my 1yr old FF let alone such a littly