Can't get over him

[toffeeapple123]

Fell in love with him the moment I saw him. This had never happened to me before. It's very rare for me to feel this way about anyone.

Dated for a year, it was up and down, as he had mental health problems and going through a bad time personally and professionally.

In the end, I couldn't take it anymore, so the next time he had 'doubts' I just walked away. We didn't talk for a while then I got back in touch to see how he was doing. We had sex, but he later said it was a one night thing and he wanted to move on. That was a month ago and I'm still hurting beyond belief.

I know you'll all say NC etc and I'll do that, but I wasn't in touch with him for close to a year and still couldn't get over him.

I'm scared I'll never meet anyone to feel this way about again. I'm scared of settling so I can have kids in the next few years (I'm mid 30s). I've been in relationships where I've settled and not been in love - it's soul destroying.

It's so hard for me to feel this way about anyone, I'm very miserable. In other parts of my life, it's perfect - good job, great friends, family, lots of hobbies etc. I just can't seem to shake this guy.

Why is it still so painful, why do I still want him? I've had many relationships before and been able to get over those guys in an instant. I know all the tricks on how to get over someone, move on etc. But it's not working to get past this guy. Help?

Hello , I feel I am probably not qualified yo answer this. But I see a lot of positives : good jobs/friends etc .
You absolutely can get over him, but sometimes it just takes a long time. Sometimes we get addicted to the ups downs etc? This might not be you .
Make a promise that next time you won't settle. I think it is good this relationship is over, he seems unstable. Long term , that is not healthy. Best of luck !

It was probably the ups and downs that made you feel obsessed with him. It isn't good or healthy.

I am 70 - been there and done all that. I absolutely promise you that without a shadow of a doubt you will get over this and you will look back on it with a wry shrug. You can speed the process by filling your life with things to do, places to go......

Being in love fulfils all the definitions of madness - this too will pass.

Thank you so much for your replies, it means a lot.

@Highandlow You're right, he is unstable. There were so many downsides, more than positives which I won't go into it. Moving on, I have made a promise I won't settle, for sure. But it means I've been on only one date in a year. I'm on dating websites, but most men on there make my stomach turn. I'm not even fussy! I just want to be attracted to someone, someone I can really fall in love with. This is what I struggle with - I don't fancy most men. But time is running out, I only have a few fertile years left. This is my dilemma and feeds into my toxic thinking - maybe I need to settle/compromise, as the pool of available men shrinks even more.

@Musti Interesting, you're not the first one to make this observation! I felt this for him the instant I laid my eyes on him though. Never felt this way before.

@Mishappening "Being in love fulfils all the definitions of madness' - this made me smile, thank you Logically, I know it will pass, but it's taking such a long, long time. It's been a year already. This is alien to me. And I feel like I'm wasting my prime (fertile years) stuck in the mud. I've taken up new hobbies, been on holidays, things are going well professionally - but he stirs so much intense emotion within me even now. I'd do anything for him, which makes me want to throw up

Hi @toffeeapple123. I think settling will make you feel so bad. I would say be fussy in terms of your standards, morals etc. I feel in the same position as you , met two people I fancy in two years ! However, I think it is luck /chance meetings. You never know who you could meet.
I worry about my fertility, but I am just going to take care of myself etc. so if I do meet someone I am as healthy as I can be. Some may disagree, but I checked my fertility out and found I had pcos, glad I looked into it.
Getting over this man may be more fear, rather than about him?

Highandlow Good point - could be fear. He's the only one I've ever felt this way about. What are the chances I'm going to meet someone else to feel this way about in the next few years which is when I'll need to start having babies? Not very high. Wish we didn't have this biological clock hanging over us! How old are you? I accidentally fell pregnant last year (had an abortion) and I'm very healthy so think I'll be fertile until around 40. But can never be sure! I hardly meet any men through my workplace - those that are there give me attention, but they're all married! That's why I'm on the dating apps/websites but it's all soul destroying. Really at a loss and losing hope. I used to be so optimistic, but now I don't have all the time in the world.

Only one date in a year, is this guy really so special compared to other guys? Or do other men seem unappealing because you're still hung up on the ex? If he is really so special, figure out why.

This isn't love, OP, it's limerance. You cannot possibly "fall in love" the minute you meet someone. You knew nothing about him except you fancied the pants off him!

I don't mean this to sound rude - but you mentioned you hardly ever fancy men. Are you sure this is your primary sexual orientation?

Well you will get over him, but you need to want to. You need to be really honest with yourself and what a rotten DP and DF he would be - because from what you've written here he sounds like a nightmare. Plus, for a relationship to work, you've both got to want it and be prepared to work at it - and he isn't. So make a choice now to move on. It will take time for this infatuation to fade (and that's what is - there is no 'love at first sight', it's infatuation). Those people who we have the most intense relationships with are rarely keepers or actually any good for us in the long run. Those people remind you that you're alive and that you can have amazing sex and that you can behave with reckless abandon and at least some of us have that once in our lives, but I'm bloody glad I didn't marry mine!

Your life is good OP, but if you want to meet someone then I'd think more creatively than just OLD. You say you have hobbies, well are there men at these hobbies? And if not, how about trying some new ones where you might meet someone? And if OLD is your only option, how about using a different site - perhaps one you have to pay for?

@FuriousVexation yep I’m straight. But let’s be honest, how many men are there to really fancy? This guy, I could have slept with him every day. All my other ex’s I could have taken or left. I want to fancy my partner. This is what I mean by not settling. I want to have that chemistry, that attraction, otherwise it would be a dull relationship or friendship?

@juneau after we broke up, I was determined to move on and we didn’t talk for close to a year. And in that year, despite trying to, I couldn’t find anyone I fancied / wanted to date. And of course I know a relationship is built on so much more but as a basic minimum you should find your partner or date attractive right? I guess after a year I fell back to my ex. I wanted to have sex and feel that attraction again. I have zero hope for the future. I meet men all the time and get lots of interest usually from men I have no desire for or lots of married men. It’s so depressing. And the pressure is in because my fertile years are in decline now. I guess it’s just not meeting any men of interest that pulls me back to my ex.

Dear toffeeapple123,

There is a purpose in this, and I'm linking to an article that explains it. Ignore the title - any situation that we cannot let go of indicates a buried wound that is calling to us.

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-real-reason-why-the-narcissist-came-into-your-life/

OP

But let’s be honest, how many men are there to really fancy?

All of them? LOL.
It sounds like your primary sexual attraction factor is visual, would that be fair to say?

See for me, I'm not really attracted to someone until I have heard their voice, listened to their views (primarily political) and had sex with them to see how good they are.

To me, the first sex we have together is like a 2nd stage interview aptitude test. If they pass, then I'll keep dating them. If they fail, then it's "sorry I don't think we have chemistry, best of luck in the future".

(Obviously I don't tell potential candidates dates this, nothing like barking "this is an exam!" to pour a bucket of cold water over someone's libido!)

I'm sorry if I sound like a fucking hippy here, but I truly do believe that every human is beautiful and desirable in their own way. I've dated (and had sex with) some people that society would deem as undesirable.

Morbidly obese disabled guy - I had to help him get undressed and dressed, but he gave the most unselfish oral ever and we could have talked for DAYS let alone hours.

Guy with horrific facial scarring - every day he faced "mummy what's wrong with that man?" etc. He chose to be - not confrontational but direct. "Hello! I got burned in a really bad accident. Don't worry, it won't happen to you! I know I look a bit scary but I'm just a normal person." I admired him so fucking much. But that wasn't what attracted me to him primarily - we just had great conversations and our minds ran on similar (sarcastic) tracks.

On the flipside, I've had dates with people who are "conventionally" gorgeous who have left me completely cold.

Woman who was so insecure about her body that she wanted to keep the lights off during sex. I cannot express how sad this made me. Her "external" personality was so confident and gung ho. It was such a surprise to find she was so un-confident in the bedroom. I really wanted her to open up but she simply couldn't.

Numerous guys who have rocked up swinging a larger than average dick and then demonstrated that they have no idea what to do with it. Like they think you're going to see it and go "sploosh".

OP out of interest, how are you meeting men? OLD, meet ups or just randomly through work etc?

FuriousVexation No I don't just focus on looks - it's the whole package, chemistry, similar values etc. Wish I could be shallow or less selective! It's so utterly depressing especially as my pool of eligible men declines. I'm very upset and see no way out.