Scared I’m wrecking my life

[UnpopularOpinion]

I’m so scared I’m ruining my life. My DP and I have been together for 5 years lived together for four. He is really kind and we enjoy each other’s company, he is also great with my children from my previous marriage.a dream come true in many ways as my marriage was abusive.

Late last year I came to have thoughts which is hard with him that I definitely want to get married again but I’m just not sure it’s with him. I don’t know why I feel this way but I need some space to figure it out. Roll on 8 tense months and I’m no closer to knowing if I want to be with him long term or not.

I should also say that the past ten years of my life has been incredibly stressful...really big life event one after the other relentlessly (mostly due to my ex husband court, high court and so on).

As the last 8 months have been so tense we decided that we should live seperately for a bit to see if that brings things to a head one way or another. We had got the point were we couldn’t relax enough to even sleep and we were getting more and more snappy with each other due to the elephant in the room being my unresolved uncertainties.

So today he moved out..I’m now in panic that I’ve ruined mine and my children’s life. We were happy as a family and had such stability...me and DP never argued etc.

I’m scared that maybe the past ten years of stress has caused me to have some kind of breakdown that is causing me to think the thoughts im having.

We have tried joint counselling and I’ve tried individual counselling but it didn’t help my feeling become any clearer. I just don’t feel emotionally connected even though he is amazing.

Thanks for reading

You’re not wrecking your life by ending it with someone who is not right for you, for whatever reason. If you have been thinking about it for 8 years and you’re still not sure I would say call it a day. It’s ok to be on your own.

Happinessbegins thanks for replying - I think it feels alien to me to end a relationship with someone who is nice, and also who I am not “unhappy” with. I’m
Scared I’ll regret it ☹️

You have been through a lot and sometimes it's not until things have settled that you can actually really reflect on what you actually want. He may well be a wonderful guy but not for you. Take time for you now and be honest about what you want.

knackeredmommy thank you for taking the time to reply. Yes - sometimes when life is so busy you don’t “look for issues” when you are fire fighting. But I also wonder if this is a symptom of having time and space to actually think

I think you need time & space to figure out what you want. For some reason you have doubts about the relationship. Sometimes we're so busy making sure everyone else is sorted we forget about ourselves. Work out what it is YOU want. You don't have to be with someone just because they're nice, that's not fair to either of you.

I've felt similar in a relationship following an abusive marriage. Someone said to me that it can be tempting to feel that you need to stay in a relationship simply because it is non abusive and so it can seem like the right thing in comparison to the chaos of your previous relationship. But a non abusive, supportive relationship should be the norm and just because someone doesn't abuse you, it doesn't mean that they are the right person for you and that's ok. It definitely sounds worth taking time out to examine how you feel and you certainly shouldn't feel bad about that.

FreakforHummous thank you, it’s hard to explain but I’m struggling to separate what bits are because he is a good person and what mean good relationship. I’m terrified of letting go of “a good one” everyone was so pleased for me when we met and ever since actually. I’ll be honest the guiding thought I’m having is that I want to be with someone “stronger” than me. He is really kind but I feel like the “stronger one”. I’m also scared this feeling might be stage one of me reverting to type and ending up with an abuser.

Bump

Just because he's a really nice, good guy doesn't mean he's the right guy for you. And if you have this much tension and anxiety about him being the right one (to the point you can't sleep) that is telling you something, I think?

Don't be guided by everyone else being pleased for you that you have 'met a good one'.

I have also been through abusive relationships and am wary of 'reverting to type' as you say. However, I do feel there is a difference between someone who is domineering and tyrannical, and someone who is really strong (as in, resilient, determined, knows what they want, sticks to their principles, while being able to take on board other peoples' needs.) That's strength, not steam rolling over everyone else.

It sounds like having some time on your own is not a bad idea.

You know, not once have you said you love him.

Marriage is hard even if you are in love.

Don't live your life for your children. There is no conceivable way they will thank you, however happy or unhappy their lives are as a result of your decision, whichever it is.

Choose you.

"Don't live your life for your children. There is no conceivable way they will thank you, however happy or unhappy their lives are as a result of your decision, whichever it is.

Choose you."

Thanks carla and Christmas I do love him although I didn’t say it, all this turmoil feels front centre and the moment rather than that- thank you for the comment re: not being guided by others and also the children. I felt so guilty when me and my husband broke up although one was a baby and the other not much older - all I wanted for them was a “normal” and stable life. I feel like they now and struggle to reconcile that I’m even considering imploding all of that just because of a niggling feeling of doubt I have.makes me feel ridiculous.

I had a 'normal' and 'stable' life. Along with my sisters I became eating disordered and had an abusive relationship. Our brother was an alcoholic heroin addict.

My son's home 'broke' age 5. He has two families he loves and who support him and get on. He felt sorry for children who only have one Christmas Day.

So who should feel guilty?