Are these hidden signs he doesn’t want to be with me?

[Rspu3]

Me and my oh have been together for 9 years we are engaged and planning a wedding in the next couple of years.
We need ivf next year as my oh has infertility.
He is a genuinely lovely person and works very hard ( 2 jobs ). I feel like we don’t see each other much because of how much he works but we go to bed together every night and talk before sleep.
I do everything around the house cleaning cooking and washing which I don’t mind, I work part time now.
Sometimes I have a niggling feeling that my oh doesn’t love me I’m not sure if it’s just insecurity but sometimes deep down tell myself he doesn’t.
He has swore at me a few times over silly things for example we were put a few weeks ago after some shopping and we were having lunch he doesn’t like tomatoes so I joked putting it by his plate ( it didn’t touch it) he told me to stop it and I did it once more and just laughed but he told me to “just fuckoff”. He said it quite nastily and I had to hold in my tears. We didn’t speak until a few hours later and he said sorry and that he didn’t mean to say it so nastily. I told him he shouldn’t be saying it at all.
I’ve told him quite a few times I don’t want a relationship where we think it’s ok to swear at each other (his mom and her husband are like this with each other) and it’s awful.
We joke about sometimes and I’ve called him a dickhead but it’s not malicous, the way he told me to fuckoff was.
I think things like that are why I feel like he doesn’t love me, am I right?
I know sometimes the stress of the infertility gets to us both. We’ve wanted children for years. We hardly see his side of the family anymore because his siblings have recently had children and we found it hard to be around them. They also make nasty comments and I genuinely think they are toxic so I kept my distance. What do you think? Am I over thinking it?

I love tomatoes but can't stand fish or seafood, and if someone 'jokingly' played about pretending to put some on my fish I'd not be impressed. Once, ok but twice - not on. Why did you have to push it, especially knowing he doesn't like tomatoes and he'd already told you to stop? It's incredibly disrespectful. You say it was a joke and you were laughing but he wasn't. Why does your desire to laugh beat his desire not to be upset?

Also, why is him telling to you fuck off when provoked not ok but you calling him a dickhead is, especially seeing as you don't want a sweary relationship?

Whether he loves you or not I can't tell, but if he doesn't it's as a result of your own actions.

He is nothing like his family in that respect he has swore at me a few times, which I now k ow is because I pushed the jokes and being annoying which is my fault. My family really like him and not had a bad word to say about him.

It does sound like he's under a lot of pressure. Two jobs, infertility that is his "fault" and a bad relationship with his family. On top of which it's clear that he's having to support you as you're upset about the infertility thing (which, combined with the guilt he's probably feeling probably doesn't help), and you have anxiety and other issues. And then you do something that he finds upsetting and don't stop when he asks you and he tells you to fuck off.

Broadly, I'm not a fan of couples swearing at each other. But I wouldn't say this is break up reasoning. I would ask you what YOU are doing to support him? You say you're dong most of the housework to compensate for his extra work, which is great. But what else are you doing to help ease his pain and stress? I'm not seeing a lot here.

In the kindest possible way OP I think your anxiety is causing you to overthink things.
I think the fact he works two jobs to support you through this difficult time, the fact he wants to go through IVF with you... these all speak louder than silly little altercations that everyone has from time to time.
The tomato thing done once was silly and can see why it’s funny but doing it a second time stretches it into being a bit childish tbh.
I also feel for you with infertility but don’t attack other posters when you didn’t say that his family behaved appallingly to you both in your first post you just said you couldn’t bear to be around them because they have something you want. I’ve had losses and no children yet and it’s a punch to the gut to see happy families so I do get where you’re coming from.
I don’t think these are hidden signs I think they are just incidents where he’s been tired, bored or annoyed by you repeatedly pushing your joke and just snapping.
I wouldn’t dwell on them unless he always makes you feel horrible and upset.

@Aberforthsgoat

Thankyou for your reply. I know I just seem to be angry about everything lately. I know it’s my anxiety aswell I’ve had it a few years and my doctor seems to think the infertility has triggered it and I have changed as a person I know I have. I’m a lot more paranoid emotional and bitter.
I try to support him emotionally, I’ve also had to be quite up front and get him to face reality, he put off going to the doctors for 3-4 years until one day I sat down and told him he needed to go now. He did and I praised and always tell him how proud I am for doing it as I now it was so hard for him. We talk and we open up to each other but it takes him a bit of pushing from me as he is a typical man and shuts me out a bit sometimes. I know now I’m being stupid.

I think you guys need to do some couple counselling.

This whole situation is stressful for both of you and him swearing at you, your high anxiety meaning you can’t work so he works 2 jobs, infertility and toxic families all need to be unraveled.

It would be good to get some help
Now, especially as you have IVF yet to come which will only add way more stress to this already stressful situation. Hormones suck and you are about to get a boat load.

Go to counselling as a preventative measure. You can talk about where you are, where you are going and how best to support each other.

I don't see the tomato thing a couple of times anything to tell you fuck off about.

I don't know the context of the dickhead comment so I can't comment on that.

My DH and I were always doing stuff like that and we're a lot older. Nothing to say fuck off about.

Are you getting treatment for your anxiety?

As PP said, he must be under a huge amount of pressure with the infertility being his ‘fault’, which is affecting you so badly you can’t work a full time job - he probably is carrying a lot of guilt over that as well as having to work 2 jobs to support you. On top of that his relationship with his family has broken down as a result.
Some counselling together to deal with all of this before adding the stress of a wedding, IVF attempts and maybe children into the mix - which will all further strain the above issues - would probably be a really good idea. (Presumably you’re already getting all the help available for your mental health).
It sounds like you’re winding him up occasionally and he sometimes snaps but from what you’ve written he seems very committed to you and starting a family.

It does seem like anxiety is your largest issue here OP. Is the relationship actually a positive thing for your both? - it's not very healthy for him to not see his family, or for you to not be able to even hear their names, or to not be able to work whilst he works two jobs- because of it. What are you doing to treat your issue, rather than acquiesce to it and have it affect your life? Panic attacks at the mention of names is very far out of the realm of healthy.

His family may well be dicks or maybe have just made some ignorant comments- have you sat down with them and explained that it's a trying time and the comments are hurtful or have they just been written off so you can avoid doing this? It does come across a bit like you are so sensitive to the issue that you are isolating yourself and are now going to isolate yourself from your partner.

Other people are never going to be perfect or get what you are going through in the same way as you, of they have not experienced it- they don't exist to make you feel comfortable sadly, and the fact they have children and you do not is not bad behaviour on their part sufficient to create a family rift, though it may feel deeply unfair. Surely you see children out of the house? You will need to find the tools to deal with your feelings as your own person Op rather than expect others behaviour to be what you need and want. I'd recommend seeing a counsellor before this becomes even more damaging for you. IVF is very challenging and not guaranteed to work, whether you agree with the former or not, therapy could very well help you manage your emotions in a healthier way during that process.

Re: the tomatoes thing, it sounds ridiculous. After a long day at work that would really annoy me- if you want some attention from your DP or feel you don't get enough ask for it directly rather than resort to things like that. It doesn't sound as though he swears at you often but again- if you can't bear it then perhaps you are with the wrong person OP. Or need to manage your expectations. I wouldn't use 'typical man' to excuse lack of emotional engagement though, plenty manage just fine.

I dont think anyone here thinks struggling to conceive is a small issue, but neither is anxiety .

No they have contributed to me avoiding them because of their nasty comments, I already know people don’t live to make me feel comfortable I don’t in any way think the world revolves around me. But even before I went through this I would never say the things that they say to anybody. They have always been nasty I could take the comments before but not about infertility it’s too raw. Yes I do see kids odviously but I get a massive pang of jealousy when I see babies/pregnant women. I have had counselling for the anxiety.
I’ve asked my oh to see his family more but he doesn’t. I see them at birthdays/Christmas and I’ve said that is all I can do for now.
It is creating a problem underneath I think but my oh hadn’t said anything. You also knew what I meant when I said the typical man thing because a lot of men do hide their feelings. My oh has been brought up to have thick skin and if e shows emotion he’s weak I’ve learnt that through being around his family.

It all sounds a bit too intense. I'm pretty sure my ex would probably have told me to fuck off had I been so irritating. You annoyed him and he asked you stop, you did it again he told you to fuck off, fair do's.
He sounds exhausted, both physically and emotionally and I think a fair thing to do would be for you to return to full time work and allow him to drop his second job.
I've see the severe stress of infertility on a close family member and it did eventually lead to the marriage breaking down. Are you sure your oh wants a child as much as you? Particularly given the hours he's currently having to work

You can't work part time and leave him working two jobs, that's horribly unfair.

I don’t think you’re being stupid, anxiety is the worst and really distorts things the more you think about them. In this instance though I don’t think you need to worry that he doesn’t want to be with you x I hope the anxiety gets better, mine manifested after losses and struggling to cope so I know the way it can mess with your head.

He’s always worked two jobs. He’s very hard working and always has been even when I was full time. We are good for money, think it’s his way of distracting his self. I work part time and cover bills. The job thing is not a problem for us.

Food is a really emotional issue - really emotional for some people. If somebody put food on my plate I really didn't, like tinned tuna for example - I would bin my meal and lose it with the 'joker'. Joking with people's food is just a bad idea. You should apologise to him. He might like you better.