Going back after estrangement.

[Clarabel7]

I'm NC but I'm really questioning it now, so I'd like to hear from others in a similar situation to learn more.

How long have you been estranged for?
What lead you to become estranged?
If you reconciled, how did that come about?

For me, I've been estranged over 10yrs, my dm didn't bond well with me, told me my version of reality was wrong. She was badly damaged by her own damaged mother. I am now considering contacting her. She has reached out to me multiple times through the years.

Do you have children?

The only reason I let my mum ‘back’ into our lives was for my DD. I didn’t want DD growing up thinking that’s what you do, and she was too young to be explained the reasons why.

I kept mine at an arm’s lenght. We go and visit her for a week every year. During that time, DD has never been left with my mum. My mum did her Granny thing, stuffing DD eith biscuits and giving in to her every whim.
As for me, I treated my mum as if she was an aquaintance. Polite, took mum out for dinner to say thanks for having us. Talked about the weather, the music, the people on the street, but never anything personal.
Mum tried to talk to me about my ‘wonderful’ childhood. I was calm but ferm, at most I had a slight casual dig, saying it taught me everything I know about how not to be a parent, and that has worked wonders on my DD’s education, making her what she is now.
We had the whole tantrum and re-writing of the history. I didn’t react, I simply made other plans the following year.
She got it.
Insisted that we came again.
By then my DD was entering teenage years, was less interested in granny’s biscuits. Granny then had another temper tantrum because I made her miss on all of my DD’s childhood (DD is an only grandchild), taking away her only chance to be a proper granny, picking her up from school etc.
The following year, again, we made other plans and could not see Granny.

What I am saying is: I have minimal contact for the sake of my DD. She is not aware of any of it. Granny is a total basket case. If it wasn’t for my DD, I wouldn’t see her at all.
HTH

Why now?.

Why do you want to reach out to her at all?. Because she is now old/frail?. Is it due to pressure from other family members?. What would be achieved from doing this?. What you want and what you may well get could be two very different things. One you open that box it is extremely difficult to shut it again.

I would think your mother has not changed at all in all the intervening years. If she is too toxic/difficult/batshit for you to deal with, its the same deal for your kids too.

My dc are grown. I never wanted to dictate to my dc, I explained what had happened and told them they were free to choose whether they wanted contact or not. They chose not also.

What might be achieved? I hope that she might now be able to hear my experience. She is 70, so old but not too old.

What Atilla says.

She wants you back for her own reasons, it’s just as it always was, all for her benefit, on her terms.

We all get that you want the relationship you deserve with your mother. We all want the same ourselves, but it’s never going to happen, you’ll just set yourself up to get hurt again, and probably the dc will get dragged in and hurt too.

She hurt her own child, you, do you think she would stop at hurting your dc?

Experience says she won’t.

Nobody goes NC as you have done without a reason. As sad as it is to give up all hope, that’s what you have to come to terms with

She will never ever want to hear what you have to say.

What you have to say, the truth, will show her And the world what an awful person she is

She in all likelihood will not want to know about your experience Clarabel. Such people like your mother do not change.

Your now adult children also went onto make a decision for their own selves not to contact their grandmother; that is an action that also speaks volumes about your mother too.

I have been NC with my mother for nearly 35 years and have only seen her three times during that time - once at my DB's wedding, once at my DB's 30th birthday party and at my father's funeral.
At the wedding (nc 12 years) she talked to me and I treated her with disinterested detachment; at the party (15 years nc) she was practically screeching at me because I hadn't brought my DS along; at the funeral (27 years nc) I turned my back on her and she was redirected away by my uncle.

My mother was emotionally, mentally and physically abusive. She had affairs and eventually she left the family home when I was 17. I decided at that point that I didn't wish to see her anymore. Her reaction to this was to hold me up against the wall by my throat and scream in my face while calling me every name she could think of. I have never looked back and regretted my decision. Never.

When my DS was two she wrote to me begging for contact with him and I agreed with a list of conditions. Two visits in and she broke virtually every condition and started demanding overnights! I severed all contact at that point as she hadn't changed a bit. She has never met my DD. Predictably I had a letter just before her birth requesting contact and I refused out right pointing out that she'd had her chances and blown it. She replied that if that was decision then that was on me but I would have to justify why to my DC's when they were old enough to ask where their Grandma was.

Anyway, 15 years on from that bitter letter my DC's know the truth and would never want to see her. I have always given them option of contact. They do not want it.

Clarabel - you have to ask yourself why you want to resume contact. If you are looking for confession from your mother, you will not get it.
If you're looking for true regret, you will not get it.
If you're looking for a changed mother (the mother you dream of having) you will not get it.
You have to remember why you went NC in the first place because those circumstances have not changed or gone away. My mother is now mid-seventies and in poor health and I know that she will ask for me eventually when she's dying and I already know that I will ignore the summons. Nothing that she could say or do can change what has happened and nothing can cancel out those childhood years of misery and pain.

Maybe she needs care in her dotage. Tread carefully op.
I am nc with dm. Been 7 years, and previously ten years. I got back in touch afer receiving guilt tripping letters. Regretted it within a fortnight.
Lasted a year then nc again. Will be staying that way now. Regardless of age /health /etc.
You owe her nothing at all op.