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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My ex, his wife, his arseholery and I

9 replies

TakenForSlanted · 14/06/2019 06:44

Not really a question - just a bit of a vent, I guess:

I've been divorced for 5 years after walking out on my ex husband. He was never physically abusive but did play mindgames with the best of them and was very controlling. Anyway, less than a year after the divorce he re-married and now has two children with wife #2.

He and I work in the same industry, so we'll inevitably cross paths. And we're good for the most part in that we get along, chat, etc. we run into each other.

So I bumped into him at another industry thing yesterday. We went to grab some coffee and engaged in some small talk, including me asking about his family. And then, he decided to go for it:

Essentially, he ranted and whined for some 20 minutes about how desperately unhappy he was and how all his life choices had been bad and how he hates being a dad and kept on bringing up how this "had cost him his marriage" (obviously referring to the one he was in with me). No mention of his poor wife. The whole thing was basically a self-pity fest on the scale of the millenium party.

I left feeling gutted. It's not as though I wish him ill or anything of the sort. But surely the wife and kids deserve better than him ranting and whining to his ex in this way? And, let's be honest, he's just looking for something on the side and probably thought he might be able to manipulate me into it. I feel as though I've wronged his wife just by standing there, looking puzzled and attempting to change the subject.

Gah! What was I thinking when I married this man???

OP posts:
EL2019 · 14/06/2019 06:49

Thank goodness you’re not with him any more. At least you know you made the right decision.

His poor wife though.

justilou1 · 14/06/2019 06:54

Sounds like a giant case of entitled man baby to me! Aren’t you glad it’s over???

TakenForSlanted · 14/06/2019 06:58

Well, yes, good on me, I suppose. Yay me, I win a "no longer married to an irredeemable arsehole for life" medal.

But, oh, I felt dirty for just standing there and listening to him. This poor woman moved to another country for him and gave up on her own career to give birth to and look after his babies.

An he has nothing better to do than whinge to his ex about how he never realised he valued a woman with her own life and her own success and how it had cost poor him his marriage???

Fuck him for being an utter arse towards her - and fuck him for his late insight. Half a decade ago, he was demanding that I resign from my job and focus on making him happy. All because he couldn't bear to see his wife promoted at a faster pace than himself, I suspected then and still suspect now.

Angry
OP posts:
justilou1 · 14/06/2019 07:10

If you’d confronted him at the time it would have made for a shouty, uncomfortable coffee and you would still have to see him at industry “do’s” where these old resentments would definitely come out to play.
Just be you, and feel superior (which you are!) and see him for what he is! Keep him at arm’s distance and don’t get involved. He will no doubt try and get in the pants of anything that lets him, and you really don’t want rumours circulating! Ew!!!

Justbreathing · 14/06/2019 08:28

If his current wife got an amazing job as a ceo, he would probably rant about that.
He’s just one of “those” men. Never happy. Never satisfied. He’s just got a bad heart.

Thank his you’re no longer with him

I’m sure she’ll come to a similar realisation one day

fecketyfeck21 · 14/06/2019 08:51

his current wife will wise up at some point if she isn't already doing so and realising he's a complete tosser.

stucknoue · 14/06/2019 09:04

Unfortunately it just shows how right you were to leave him. Some people (mostly men but let's be fair) just can't do monogamy, the grass is greener basically. He's saying to you that he jumped into another relationship and regrets it but no need for you to feel guilty

mybeebop · 14/06/2019 09:11

He’s never going to be happy and nobody is ever going to be good enough for him. Next time he rants just say that. Say “your poor wife. Are you seriously that self deluded. The problem isn’t any of the women in your life, the problem is you. I suggest if you are that unhappy you seek therapy. I’m not it. Have a good day” then walk away and thank your lucky stars you can. That poor woman can’t. And let that be a lesson to every woman reading to never give up everything for a bloke. It bites you on the bum in the end

TakenForSlanted · 14/06/2019 20:35

no need for you to feel guilty

I get that. Technically. But, hell, I feel as though I've released that monster into the wild by walking out on him.

He's messaged twice today. Still whinging. And asking to meet for drinks. I'm ignoring him.

May ask super nice boss with a sick sense of humour (who knows the story behind my divorce) to message him "back off, her sould belongs to the cult of long hours and obscene boni now". Super nice boss is an industry celebrity, so to speak, so it might shut him up.

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