Hook up sites

[TheTwelve]

Hello. I discovered recently that my partner (we don’t live together but been together years) has over the course of our relationship has contact with someone via a ‘hook up’ kind of site. He said it was a contact made initially before we met and had never got beyond ‘sexting’. They didn’t meet. He said it was extremely sporadic. Once month I’d that.

I’m not looking for relationship advice particularly. However I wondered if anyone had any experience of this kind of thing. I think what I am looking to find out is if that is in any way plausible, or if these things ALWAYS mean sex has happened. Do people use those sites to make contact and then just send texts and pics etc? Thanks in advance.

I think plenty of people just enjoy the wank fodder and never get round to actually meeting up. That doesn't make it right and I could never trust my partner again if he did this.

Yep agree the trust is totally damaged.

There’s a part of me that just wants to attempt to get my head around this. E.g. is it more akin to porn use than an affair? Rhetorical question I think but just mulling it over.

Thanks for the reply by the way.

How long has he has contact with her? I would be questioning what makes them keeping going back to sexting each other.

I say this as I had a similar situation and it was because they were both attracted to each other but felt too guilty to meet up.

feefee he says on and off, very occasionally but spanning about 7 years.

The messages I’ve seen seem to suggest it was really like that, a few messages then nothing for ages. It just seems so completely implausible to me that even if he was just in it for wank fodder/flattery reasons I just cannot imagine a woman being interested in just sharing messages and nothing else. Seems so odd and yet he is totally convincing when he says that’s what it was. Either way I’m absolutely gutted.

Well, i wouldn't be ok with my partner sexting another woman. 🙄 Regardless of frequency and motives.

Mandala I’m absolutely NOT OK with it!

I do think it’s possible they haven’t met and had sex. I found my exh had used these sites for several years on and off. I do believe he never met anyone irl. However for me I couldn’t believe that it wouldn’t happen at some point. What happens when he’s no longer excited by just messages and wants to do something else to get that same feeling?
Totally unacceptable, not akin to porn imho.

Has he shown you the messages on the site?

If it had been random woman I guess that would be easier to understand than it being the same woman for 7 years. That's a long time to be sexting the same person.

Imho if someone is doing that it's because they have thought about cheating but haven't had the guts to do it. Whether they cheated or not wouldn't make much of a difference to me. Thinking about cheating is the same as doing it when there is another person involved

The messages were in his hotmail account so not via the site though he said it was a site he joined.

Her email address was a nickname (so anonymous I suppose) his name is in his Hotmail address.

I am absolutely NOT OK with it

Then why does it matter whether they have met, had sex or if it is likely to happen? Sexting is unacceptable as it is, in my book at least. And it is not the same as watching porn.

Sounds like he's been on a site then moved on to emailing her.

Have you been together the whole time they have been doing it?.

Mandala that’s what’s going around in my mind. None of those things are acceptable, I’m just trying to understand what it was I suppose. I don’t understand the psychology of why it matters to me. I’m just torturing myself with imagining all sorts and probably trying to just get to the truth.