Ex moved on and I havent

[Drink3litresaday]

He hasn’t done anything wrong, he’s allowed to move on but I’m ashamed to say that I feel jealous and a little bitter.

I can’t meet anyone as I don’t have the time, our ds (8), is non verbal and autistic, I’ve lost all my friends because I can’t just get a babysitter and do things. Ex takes ds for a couple of hours 2 times a week and also stays over regularly so he can do the night shift and I can get some sleep. Ds can’t stay at ex’s as it’s not safe and also ds can’t cope with being away from home. I had to give up work to care for ds and now my world has shrunk so much. I realise that because ex and I are on good terms and he stays over and we do things as a family I’ve kind of got used to it and although we aren’t “together” we have been a family unit. Now he’s moved on and gets to have a life while I’m feeling as though this is it for me, I’m early forties, I’ve got years of this ahead of me (ds will probably never be independent), and it’s brought back feelings of bitterness towards ex that things didn’t work for us (ow involved, which has since ended).
Don’t know what I’m asking really but it has helped to write it down.

That sounds really really rough, the short end of the stick. I can completely understand why you feel bitter about the whole thing.

How would your son be if you asked your ex to be at your house of an evening, possibly even overnight without you there? Could you get away with that (from the perspective of your son being ok with it)?

If your ex left for OW and there's no way to take your son to his house - then frankly I think he owes you

Have you tried carers link. They may be able to help

Would it he possible to do split care where you each live 50% of the time at the house and the other 50% in the other house? That'll give you as much opportunity to work and get a life outside the home. It's not fair that he decides to have an affair and then have his cake and eat it!!

Thanks for your replies.
Unfortunately we cant swap places as ex can’t cope with ds on his own, he doesn’t really understand how to calm him down or work out what’s upset him. If I ever go out (even for - couple of hours) and leave ds with ex then I get phone calls constantly asking what to do and what wrong with ds. Tbh, it was easier in some ways before, when I was on my own and had no contact with ex. Think I’m just having a bad day, I’m anticipating ex being more and more selfish and I’m winding myself up before anything’s even happened, my family tell me to just block him and to arrange to see ds through my sister. It may come to that.

@Drink3litresaday your ex will have to learn!!

Under normal circumstances I would agree but it’s the effect it’s having on ds, if his needs are not met or he can’t express what he wants/how he’s feeling he will meltdown. This does not end when whatever the issue is is sorted, during any meltdown he will injure himself by hitting himself or hitting his head against the wall or floor, he’s very strong and the older he gets the harder it is. Ive given ex a list of all coping mechanisms and what triggers might start a meltdown but ex just doesn’t get it, and once ds starts screaming and hitting, ex can’t calm him.

Hi, i've no experience of dealing with kids with additional needs or what support is out there but if your ex can't handle your son on his own then are there carers available who he could pay to come over and help him?

This situation can't really go on as it will affect you so negatively, and i'm assuming it might get harder as your son gets bigger and stronger so your ex really needs to be doing everything he can right now to learn to effectively care for him.

I would sit your ex down and explain this to him, I mean at the end of the day if your son is probably never going to be independent he's going to need a strong, healthy parent to be there for him. You need to be able to have a life outside of your son or that won't be possible. Your ex needs to realise the seriousness of this.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. You're doing an amazing job and it's not AT ALL unreasonable to feel the way you do. Caring for a child with additional needs is really a feminist issue, I know there are some amazing Dads out there with kids with ASD (I'm married to one!) but all the same the day to day responsibility usually lies with Mums. It's our lives that shrink to care, our employment prospects that get narrowed down etc etc.
I think User148 above is right, if your ex finds he can't cope with your DS he should be willing to pay for professional carers who could. You need to talk to your ex to have some sense of what the future holds, will your DS be at mainstream schooling? Can he live alone?
You sound like you're doing amazingly well coping the way you are but you are not the magic porridge pot. You need respite and to take care of yourself. I have a son with ASD, although he is not as challenged as your DS sounds. Twice a year my parents take my 2 children, (DD is NT), for a few days in the holidays. The few days absence of worry really, really helps. Just to eat what we fancy, go different places and step out of the routine.
Are there respite services in your area? Could you start a referral via your GP? I'm sorry if I'm firing too many questions, I'm worried about you.

wasnotwasweregood ah bless you. Some of this is my own fault, I hear scare stories about carers and because ds can’t speak, he can’t tell me if anything happened and I’m terrified something will happen to him. I’ve actually been to the gp today who has told me to self refer for cbt. Also, im starting early menopause. I’m ok more often than I’m not ok, my thoughts just spiral out of control sometimes, then I start feeling jealous of ex and at the same time hurt that he’s moved on - even though we weren’t together when he met new gf. I’ve relied on him so much and don’t get a lot of adult company so, in a sense it feels like the end of a relationship (again!)
Anyway, I’ve found some autism family support groups in my area so am going to go to a few and hopefully meet others who are in my situation and then once I start cbt I’m sure I’ll be feeling fine.

Realistically though your ex NEEDS to be able to look after your ds without your help, for all you know anything could happen, rendering you incapable of looking after him for a few days or longer. I'm not saying that to scare you but it's something that can happen

If you don't trust carers on their own then your ex should pay for one to assist him, he needs to step up.

and I think feeling jealous or hurt is normal, he would 100% feel the same if he was the one in your situation and there didn't seem to be an end to it!

I absolutely feel for you OP. You should be able to have a life! Is there any support out there through online forums?

I don't blame you some of the stories and documentaries about care homes are terrifying.
I'm so glad you've got some things in place for you, sounds like you've got a lot to be getting on with. The parent groups are really helpful and you may well hear about some trustworthy carers that way!
Take care of you - and don't let the ex off the hook!
Lots of love and luck to you.

Meet up groups and find a man with his own place so you can sleep over at his when you ex looks after his ds at yours.
You want to be the best mother and to do that you need to be the best you. You don't need a new man but you need some fun.
Looking after any dc is hard work let alone one that needs additional help and solely relying on you.
Of course your made at your ex, that's normal. Many people in general get jealous of other people's freedom and I think that is what the issue really is.
You dc is only 8, you may have years of supporting him but it isn't always going to be the same and in time you may get respite care.
Not all care situation are bad, I looked after a 34 years old with needs, and non verbal and we had a great relationship. I enjoy helping him and making sure he enjoyed everyday.

Thank you all for your replies. My relationship with ds is fantastic, he’s amazing, he astonishes me every day and he’s such a little cutie .

I would love to meet someone but it’s a lot for someone to take on, for the time being I’m trying to concentrate on meeting people and making new friends. Ex does need to step up but he’s not exactly consistent, I’ve spoken to my family and they’ve said they’ll help out more. They said they see me coping well and think I’m ok so I know I need to let them know if I’m struggling. Mum says she’ll have him overnight once a week during the school hols and I can stay at hers.
I’ll be glad once I start cbt and possibly hrt, really hoping I’ll be able to control my emotions better once I do.

To answer a question posed earlier, my ds goes to a school for children on the spectrum, which is fantastic but he can’t cope with taxis so I do the 1hr 45min round trip twice a day which obviously affects my job prospects as I only have 3 hours a day term time only. I have looked into doing an OU course and I’m working with the school on getting him to use a taxi when he moves up to high school (same school).
I just get stuck in these dark thoughts sometimes, and I’m really hoping the cbt and hrt will help with that.

Could you get a job near his school? Or move closer to his school? You must spend most of your day driving!!

You do need to work on your son being able to cope with a Taxi. And with getting a team of other people who can care for him. The cases of abuse are uncommon, and mainly happen in understaffed, under resourced large scale institutions rather than home based care. You also need to build your support network whether by parent meetings at his school or NAS (or other group) coffee mornings.
If your Ex puts the work in he could be part of this, but if he continues to rely on you this is not good enough.