Hi all – I don’t really know what I expect from this post, advice hopefully, maybe some reassurance, may be the cold hard truth, maybe sympathy, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just writing down my feelings to help me come to terms with the pain and I just need to get it out there whether anyone reads it or not.
So my marriage is over and it seems to have deteriorated so quickly. When I hear or read stories of difficulties other couples went through, arguing for years, infidelity, even some that admitted on their wedding day, they knew getting married was wrong, but, they’re still together and not just out of convenience, they’re happy. They sought help, they talked, they worked through their issues and their marriage survived. I just feel like mine has been thrown away.
For a couple of years I was depressed and did nothing about it, didn’t talk to anyone, didn’t even tell my wife how I was feeling. I just pushed my unhappiness deeper and deeper, tried to fake smile my way through it all and tried to put everyone else first. I was stupid. Eventually I broke down and finally saw my doctor who put me on antidepressants, still I didn’t tell anyone, not even my wife.
Life started to improve for me, I started to become happier, I had more energy and confidence but it’s then I found my wife had become emotionally close to another man. She was smack bang in an emotional affair. I was upset, frustrated, angry and we argued a lot. She tried to talk to me about it, I froze her out, not a nice thing to do but I didn’t know how to react. She refused to delete this guy, I became more hurt. Neither of us reacted in the right way.
My wife said I’d checked out of the marriage years ago, that I didn’t pay her enough attention, and that we didn’t do anything together. I hadn’t checked out of the marriage, I’d checked out of me, but I understand why she felt that way. It doesn’t make it right that she sought attention and emotional support from another man but I understand why she did. I must make it clear, I know there was never a physical affair.
Eventually, a few months ago we started marriage counselling and I also reached out to friends and told them everything I’d been going through. It was like a weight had been lifted. I managed to collect my thoughts on what had been happening with my wife and my life, I’d managed to clear my head. For this first time in a long time, I actually had a clear vision of what I wanted but also, the type of person I wanted to be. I wanted to be with my wife, I loved her.
My wife started talking to this guy even more and another female work colleague, my wife is 40 and they’re both 10 years younger than her. She started making these comments about how these friends act in their relationships, going out for coffee whenever they want, meals, drinks. I get that but they’re 10 years younger without children and the responsibilities we have, we have two children. If her friends are in and there’s nothing on the TV, they can pop to the pub or go cinema, we couldn’t just drop off the kids somewhere and go out. But, we should have been better at doing more things together rather than always doing things with the boys.
There we other issue she started to bring up, she said she did everything in the marriage, like all the housework. I didn’t understand, I pointed out I do all the vacuuming, clean the toilets and bathrooms, dust, do the bins, take the dog for walks. But, if she felt overwhelmed, all she had to do was say so and I’d help more. Again, easily fixed. It just seemed for every issue she brought up, there was a simple solution but for every solution she’d find something else that was wrong.
Every time I’d ask her what she wanted from me, the marriage, from life, all I got was I don’t know. Does she want to leave, I don’t know. Does she want to save the marriage, I don’t know. Is there anything else I can do to be a better husband, I don’t know.
She said she wanted to separate, I said how would that work, she said I don’t know. I asked how she wants me to act around her, she said I don’t know.
She’s always had a plan, whether that’s her job or life but now she says she doesn’t know what she wants except it’s for the best we separate.
She says she wants more from a relationship but cannot say what that is.
She seems infatuated with this man, she’s loving the attention and the friendship, like I say, she has definitely had an emotional affair but nothing points to a physical one yet. And I say yet because who knows what she’s capable of at the minute.
It’s like she only sees that bad from our relationship and none of the good, like she’s hoping the grass is greener.
So it seems that our marriage has been thrown away on simple issues that could so easily have been fixed and just as importantly, on I don’t know.
We lasted 5 counselling sessions, only 3 of those were joint, before my wife said it wasn’t working. I said it needs a lot more time but she just gave up. She said she didn’t know how to try anymore, how to fix the marriage.
So that’s it, we’ve started divorce proceedings, we’ve started mediation and it’s all become real. The weird thing is, we’re both acting normal when together in the house, all smiles and having conversations. Why aren’t we hating each other, why aren’t we mad? Why aren’t we sad that everything we’ve achieved and built is going, that everything we can achieve together in the future won’t now happen?
I know I am faking some of the happiness around her simply because I don’t want her to see how much she’s upset me and how much this is hurting. That’s taking a toll on me emotionally. I cant work out if she’s doing the same, it does seem like she’s over compensating on the happiness around me, but then again, who knows. I gave up trying to read her months ago.
Is this normal?
I don’t want the divorce, I want to try and save the marriage but I realise there’s nothing I can do to change her mind at the minute. All I can do is work on me, improve me, take up new hobbies, go out more with friends but this still sucks.
I kinda think she’s going through a midlife crisis, does any of this sound familiar to anyone else?
Am I still in denial that my marriage is over? Is there still a chance she realises what she’s losing (and I don’t mean that in an arrogant way, like I’m the greatest husband, because I’m not, no-one is)?
Has anyone else been through this, how did you cope? What did you do?