Can you get over cheating?

[telechest]

I'll try to keep this short

OH cheated on me at the beginning of last year, we have been together a fair few years but for various reasons don't live together so we didn't see each other and had NC for maybe a month. I ended up relenting and talking to him, all was 'forgiven' and life carried on

Fast forward to now and I feel like old wounds have been reopened. As far as I know he hasn't cheated again (ignorance is bliss) but the pain of what he did last year has resurfaced and he can't understand why I'm still upset about it

I would love for things to work out between us but can a relationship ever be saved/the same after one of you cheating?? We now have a 2 month old ds so splitting up will be extra painful and hard to get over as I can't just have a 'clean break' (although we still live separately so maybe that'd make things easier?)

Has anyone's relationship genuinely survived cheating - where you're both happy and have truly moved on? Or do I just call it a day?

Why sell yourself short op, he's cheated, what a shit.

You weren’t enough for him then and you’ll never be enough moving forward. Kick this tosser into touch, you deserve more

I could never stay with a cheater, I would be second guessing there every move ☹️

Personally I couldn't. ExH cheated 4 years ago and I'll never get over it I don't think!

It's the lying that goes hand in hand with cheating, and I wouldn't have ever trusted him after that. I gave him 3 chances to go NC with her but he thought he could keep us both so that was that.

I'm with a lovely chap now, but don't know if I will ever live with or marry him due to the damage ExH's cheating did to me.

No, you will never forget! I've taken back cheaters and been the cheater taken back myself. Both were totally awful. Accusations, mistrust, sniping comments, jealousy. Just find someone who sees your worth OP. This guy clearly didn't!

Just seen you have a two month old... OP I'm sorry horrible situation to be in. Maybe hormones / pp is bringing up a lot of old wounds

Personally, I wasn't able to. I spent months going round in my head thinking maybe it was a one off mistake and it won't happen again and other people said that to me too but then I came to the realisation that it didn't matter if he did it again because he'd already done it so the damage was done.

he can't understand why I'm still upset about it This is the reason that you will never get over it, it is just not a big deal to him and he will resent you "going on about it".

Be honest with yourself OP, has he actually done anything to help heal the damage he did to the relationship? When you got back together what did he do to rebuild trust or is it just a case of time passed so get over it? I never got over it, it was always in the back of my mind no matter how much counselling or self help books I read, he never did anything just act like it was all done and dusted, he never engaged with making things right or reassuring me, he acted like he resented me being hurt by his actions, it killed everything stone dead.

My oh betrayed me in a different way. Not cheating but still a secret that I found out about and caused me great pain. It was a very turbulent few months and I kept flitting between upset and anger and disbelief. I would drink and then totally flip out at him and be vile. It was touch and go whether we could get over it....but.....it did give us the opportunity to open up to each other and in some ways brought us closer. He has vowed not to keep secrets and I believe him. So you can get over a betrayal but this wasn't cheating so I'm not sure it's entirely the same.

Some people manage it but I personally couldn’t. I’d be permanently paranoid that they were doing it again and I don’t think I could ever forgive such a betrayal either.

It’s not worth it imo, especially not considering you don’t have children, you’re not married and don’t even live together. You have nothing to lose if you split, I would break up.

I think it takes a certain type of person to be able to cheat and I don’t think cheaters change. I know too many people who took cheaters back only to get cheated on again and again... It’s so degrading.

I couldn't get over it and we'd been together 13 years the first time and 15 years the second time. I should have ended it after the first time, but married, kids, house, life together - the easy option was to stay then although it was 2 years of angst and paranoia between affairs (the ones that I knew about). Now we're separated and I live a life mostly free of anxiety because of exH I think it would be the harder option to stay. It's not an exisitance I'd wish on any betrayed partner. I'm in awe of couples who say it made them stronger, rebooted their relationships etc. It's a betrayal I could never come to terms with. Each to their own though.

I can (sort of). I compartmentalise and block it out as nothing ever happen. I am pretty sure though it will resurface in some sort of odd shape and form (my blocked out emotions).
You could say I don't care that much anymore.

He can't understand why you're still upset? No imagination? My ex's cheating left me depressed and on pretty strong ADs for a couple of years. Took maybe 3-4 years before I stopped actually hating him - and that was 3 years in which I had minimal contact with him. Tell you ex from me that he should be thanking you for being so understanding, not complaining that you're making a fuss.

Have a listen to some of these podcasts:
www.estherperel.com/podcast
She gives great advice, often about cheating, and also when you're listening to the couples, you can kind of tell which ones are really likely to get over their problems. Good and bad examples of how people treat their partners.

It depends, on many factors, and can be too complicated to explain, and depends on the couple, situation, etc. I'm almost a decade after finding out, and sometimes still have horrific nightmares that rip my heart apart. It's never going to be easy, or the same again.

I couldn't get over it, and I tried for 7 years.

He just wanted me to STFU and move on. The only person he felt sorry for, was himself.

I cannot believe that Ester Perel makes excuses for the patriarchy. She is a right cheater apologist, no wonder millions of people have watched her talk.

Where was my exuberant aliveness? Where were my explosive orgasms as I was being despised (got to justify what you are doing) treated with contempt (compared with glorious OW) and neglected ? I was carrying on doing the hard stuff - kids, gutters, drains and all the rest of it.

Ester Perel, her cheater apologist theories and her arts therapy certificate can F right off as far as I am concerned. It is the worst pain I will ever, ever feel, and I tried so hard to get over it. On my own. While he just carried on. Not wanting to get divorced, of course.

Looking back to when my exh cheated, I can see how my behaviour in parts led to the situation so tend not to focus too much on the hatred of him for doing it. I had become very complacent in the relationship, happy slobbing about in scruffy clothes, little effort with hair/make up etc, putting loads of weight on. Whilst this is no excuse, over a few years I think he just didn’t see me as the same person. It was a wake up call for me in my next relationship. He gave me some subtle hints but I took not notice. What I don’t forgive it’s the deceit. He should have had the bollocks to just walk away if he was as unhappy as he made out. Instead he chose to lie and cheat and test my mental health to the limits.

I don't think I could, no. I think it would turn me into a horrible person. I'd be paranoid and bitter an that's not how i want to live my life.

Yes, it is possible but it entirely depends on both of you.
The person who has cheated and lied needs to come clean about everything and be 110% committed to earning the trust of their partner. That means openness and absolutely no secrets.
The betrayed party also needs to be committed to moving on, you can never forget but it is possible to forgive- but only if the other person earns and tries...hard! To build that trust back up.

I do not believe 'once a cheater always a cheater' that is certainly the case for some, but not for all.

I think that’s sad mrskisses you should be able to relax and be yourself in a relationship and not have to be ‘on’ all the time. I hope you find someone who appreciates you as you are.

Thanks. I agree but I think there is a balance too. When I started dating again I made tons of effort and often wonder why I completely let it slip in my marriage.

Screamingladysutch is right on the money. I was the archetypal boring wife at home enjoying emptying the bins, ironing, helping with homework, working full time and cooking all the meals my OH was not hungry enough to eat as he eaten out at lunch time with his lady friends "just a friend". The scales fell from my eyes when I discovered real life and on-line flirtations, affairs websites - no respect for me whatsoever - such exuberance!!

That's shit that you have to be dressed up or 'on' all the time. That's not right. People cheat because that's their character flaw, not because you wear you pyjama bottoms when you're fucking watching tv.

oh I tried and thought I had (on the surface) but I was so anxious and unhappy and constantly on edge. He blamed my anxiety for finally ending the relationship, but what bullshit. It was his constant infidelity. And once a cheat, always a cheat. he's still up to it.

I'm less trusting these days, and people will only get once chance. I'm worth more.

So no I don't think you can get over it. You just adapt. But ime the trust is gone.

There are varying degrees of cheating too and that can make it hard to decide, in my Hs case it was a huge infatuation/crush over a few years with someone who worked with us, but many years later found longing poems and songs about this very young woman by chance. I really don't think it was an actual affair, more like infatuation on his side, just youthful 'over zealous' friendship on hers (there was a lot of texting on bills from him) -- thing is I actually found this more hurtful to be honest than if he had shagged someone on a night out when pissed, I can live with it but not sure if I will ever feel quite the same, as others have said on here you kind of 'switch off' somewhat and don't in my opinion love as hard. If I had found this at the time 14 years ago in my early 40s I would have left